About me

I am in my second marriage now with five children (his, hers, and ours) and, my life, for the past 13+ years has been wrapped up in raising them. Now, the three eldest are either on their own or pretty close to it.

I've heard stories of parents and step-parents who have had such a stressful time raising their children, so I do count myself one of the lucky ones because statistically speaking, with FIVE kids, I'm probably supposed to have at least one that is a complete "lost cause" - but no. We've had our ups and downs but overall it was a wonderful experience.

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I do have my regrets, but they are few - not because I haven't had my share of "crisis" - I have, but because I don't feel one should regret those situations where a valuable lesson was learned - and I've learned so much in my life. I believe that as long as (you) are learning some lesson, then (you) are on the right path.

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While I was raised in the Baptist faith - I'm not a religious person at all, although I do consider myself very spiritual. I have the perfect relationship with my Higher Power - perfect for me and that's all that matters. I remember being about middle school age, and sitting in church with my family, bible in my lap, the preacher was giving his sermon and (this particular time) I was following along, and at one point I wanted to raise my hand and interrupt to ask him to explain. I remember thinking to myself, "dude, you just contradicted yourself... ? What's up with that?" I didn't interrupt, of course. I suppose I felt it would be rude, and maybe I felt that one should never question your preacher. You sit. You listen. You do as he says, believe what he tells you to believe - period.  Maybe this is one of my "defining moments" because maybe it was then that I began to question the unquestionable (thinking for myself, listening to my inner voice).

I was about 21-ish and planning my (first) wedding to be held in that same church. The preacher I had grown-up listening to had retired, and his replacement was to perform our nuptials.  A few months later he (the new preacher) was "relieved" of his position because of some "questionable" material found in his office (rumor is it was something along the lines of nudey magazines).  Today, I'm thinking "big deal, we're all human", but back then, (young, impressionable, and confused) this made me question my religion and faith. 

I began exploring, and the more churches I attended, the more lost I felt.

So, I studied up on many religions (Catholicism, Christianity, Protestantism, Presbyterian, Pentecostal, Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Gnosticism, Scientology, New Age, and more) but nothing felt truly comfortable enough to claim. Years into this search (it was about 1999), I came to realize that I didn't need to claim any specific religion to have a relationship with my Higher Power. I realized religion and relationship were two different aspects that could go hand-in-hand, but it wasn't required. So, I chose to abandon the need to claim an organized religion.

And, as I continued to study religions, faiths, and answers to my spiritual questions, I began to discover my own spiritual self.  Once I came to realize and value my own spirit - recognized "it" and formed a relationship with "it" - and that is where I found God.  In me, in you, in everyone and everything.  Our spirits are all connected, to each other and to God.

In the past, I've witnessed so many people attending churches who seemed to feel they had done their "duty" by attending (even put themselves on a pedestal for it) and then went on with their life without any real intimate relationship with their God. And I recall my dad witnessing the same and it left him unsatisfied with church too, but that's another story.

I don't think I ever truly knew my Higher Power until I looked within myself and discovered and appreciated my own spiritual power. 

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I try to be open minded. I remember being a teenager (high school) and I had just listened to my younger sister declare her position on abortion. After, I stood staring at myself in the mirror and thinking, she's so great. She knows exactly who she is and what she stands for. She's a nice, clean, straight line (I suppose this is the artistic visual side of me). And then there was me - I was more of a big, blurry, hazy blob. I couldn't tell you what I stood for because of all the shades of grey. There are always those ifs, ands, and buts to consider. I could never just stand up and declare a certain side because I would have to hear and consider all the factors, perspectives, and prioritizations that came into play. And then, just because I might lean in one direction, I still wouldn't consider it the only option for everyone. What is right for me is not necessarily right for you. There are all those experiences in our lives that shape us and effect our rational for prioritizing. I could never say that just because "it" is important to me, then "it" should have the same importance to you.

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I'm an artist. An artist with a small "a" though because I don't spend enough time with it, but I do love it. It has been a part of my life since I could pick up a pencil and so I feel it sort of defines my spirit. Growing up my family was encouraging and appreciative of my talent, although I lacked the confidence to pursue it as a career.  I feel a bit sad because I don't spend more time being artistic.  Time for me has been sparse, but it's like I am ignoring me. I enjoy photography and photoshopping, I love drawing and painting, and  assemblage (I love the idea of taking the discarded and giving it new life in art).

A couple of years ago my eldest of my biological children, Aaron, gave me a Nikon camera for Christmas. It was the first time he'd bought me a gift and it was quite expensive for him. But the thought rendered me completely and utterly speechless! Stunned! He knew I'd loved it. You see, I had left him with my mother when he was only 4, to attend photography school. I had high hopes that I would find a career in photography that would enable me to support Aaron with the lifestyle he deserved and without depending on a husband's income to get there. I never completed photography school. I was only 3 months away from finishing the program when I dropped out. I was an A-B student and felt it wasn't good enough. Again, I lacked confidence in myself, but even worse than that, visits with my son were getting harder and harder because I couldn't rationalize leaving him each time to complete a course that I didn't feel I would be able to make a successful career. Going to this school is one of those things I came to regret. That was 16-ish years ago, and I am still paying on the student loans for a program I never did anything with, and I worry about the impression it may have left on my baby boy. And now, he's given me this camera and I can't let his special gift go by the wayside. Hince my etsy shop where I sell some of my photography, my flickr where I showcase, and I've taken up portraiture which I hope to someday be good enough to charge my services. But I'd also like to try my hand at some assemblage art and painting, maybe incorporate the two. I'm just not really sure what's going to manifest but I am so inspired by Michael deMeng's work, dia de los muertos themes, and street graffiti. Obviously, I want my pieces to represent some part of myself, but I want it to be something I'd like on my wall as well.

Consequently,

me ♥