My stepson, Jr., wrote me from Afghanistan (February 2, 2011)
Our letters follow:
Jr: "One of my good friends was killed and 4 others injured on the 31st... Soltero should not have died. I was using HIS sniper rifle watching over the patrol when it should have been him using HIS weapon."
Me: "No Roy - you don't hold that weight - God doesn't give anyone the power to decide the ultimate fate - you know that - there's a higher Power and you've got to trust that.
I know it's still hard dealing with the loss though, especially when you can't justify it. Him holding his weapon wouldn't have shielded him from a bullet.
There are lessons to learn in everything. Obviously, Soltero touched your life in a special way - you think about that. You think about what he would want you to take away from that brotherhood. You get angry about it if you need to - but you still keep your wits about you too. There are alot of others counting on you. There are alot of others feeling the same pain as you about his death - be the example that they can turn to.
I'm so so sorry you have to deal with that.
I know I can't truly relate to the situation becauase of the circumstances I have never been in before - I have dealt with the death of someone close to me - many times.
You get angry.
You get even.
But you remain smart about it.
You be a leader to the others around you. Someone they can lean on.
I wish things were different. I wish Soltero were still here and okay. I didn't get the pleasure of knowing him, but whenever you need to talk about anything - you can talk to me.
Grieving is a process - let it run it's course."
Jr: "It's just so hard to believe. I still expect to see him in the gym, walking around, eating, or at his room but he is not there. Every time I go somewhere I keep thinking he is going to be there with his usual big smile and "sup bro." I can't even sleep. During the last two nights I have had dreams of all the times we spent back at Fort Polk and out here but then I start dreaming about the 31st.
Even in his death he saved lives. It was an Improvised Explosive Device that killed him but his body took most of the blast which saved the lives of everyone around him. I wish you did know him so you would know how much of a good guy he was. I don't know how to go on right now. Is it alright to laugh? smile?
I don't know if you guys are at home or what but my buddies mom just told me that on the national geographic channel there is an awesome show that should be watched by our families. Apparently it is on life in the infantry and I don't know if it is all about the Tangi Valley or just some of it but she said it is a definite eye opener on the situation we are in."
Me: "I do understand how surreal it feels - harder for you though because you are used to seeing Soltero on a daily basis.
What you are experiencing right now is you processing his passing; very slowly. And it could easily take a year or two or even more. Allow yourself plenty of time. One day you will have spent soooo much time thinking about it and reliving it, that it will be easier to handle, easier to talk about. But when you think of him, you will likely always grieve for his presence - and that's ok.
Today, I went to a funeral. Papaw's older brother passed away, and well - death is always going to be difficult to deal with. You have the added trauma of seeing people die around you, and in such a traumatic way, and these people are your brothers. I imagine some people pass so that they can be "there" to greet other loved ones when they pass over. Papaw was there to greet his brother; likely Soltero was greeted by someone close to him and he will be there to greet those that come after him. He is not alone, he is not in pain. He is in complete happiness, small things do not bother him anymore. Just think how minor our problems are here, when we will eventually leave all this behind anyhow.
Right now, you just let your mind do its thing. It's normal to feel all the pain and confusion and disbelief. You may catch yourself laughing one day, and then feeling guilty for it - the guilt is a normal part of processing too - acknowledge the guilt and then process it out.
You are not alone - provide an open ear and comfort words to the other guys that are trying to process this too (it will likely help you to process it too)."
