I feel that if we're doing it right, then we're always working on ourselves, learning, and trying to improve, trying to be better, nicer, more gracious, more forgiving, more Christ-like, more Buddha-like, more Krishna-like.
Lately, I'm all over the place and I don't mean physically, but emotionally.
I spend my days
appearing
as if
everything
is fine
being strong.
No.
Appearing strong.
Thinking of mom
all the time.
How is she gone?
Confused and...
spiraling.
I recently posted the following on my FB - but privately as I wanted to keep this hidden of course. Not a cry for attention but an outlet nonetheless. You know, sort of a write it down and then burn it kind of therapy.
...this pretty much sums up most of my days lately. *sighs*
Today as I sit here at work, closing files, and pondering how it's seems to be quite the phenomenon for people to search out sympathy, as if it provides a long lost support system. Facebook seems to encourage it and has become just another depressing media center for me.
I re-read my Facebook post... this is probably part of a very normal process of mourning, right? First comes this, followed with that, then anger ensues, then whatever comes after that...
She pops into my head out of nowhere and I'll call out to her in my thought "mom." Sometimes it's sighed in acknowledgement that I know she's close by but it's always followed with a sinking feeling as I realize that I can't just run over to her house after work today to sit and talk to her. Other times it's calling for her, as if I've walked into her house and I'm calling for her to see if she's home...
Choking up.
"Just one more day with her would be nice."
I've heard other people say the same thing about their deceased love ones. Hmmmm, no wonder...
I think about how we rush through our days with thoughts or FB posts exclaiming, "I can't wait for this day to be over!" or "I can't wait for this weekend!" But we are also actually rushing towards that day when everything changes in some way that we wish it wouldn't like losing a job, an argument with a loved one, a car accident or house fire, an injury or a death...
If we knew that we were actually rushing towards this sort of circumstance - we wouldn't care so much to hurry for the day's end, would we.
And if only we could all manage to remind ourselves to think this way all of the time, it would be easier to simply enjoy being in the moment. Finding the spirit, the good, in each and every transaction of the day; whether you're doing a chore at home, an assignment at work, or picking up groceries at store.
I think about those last couple of weeks in the hospital when my sisters and I were so anxious and stressed. We were putting off responsibilities like work and errands, and putting off our loved ones, not doing homework with our children or eating supper with our families. Our children missed their mommies. It was such a weight on our shoulders to not be all things at all times to everybody. If we could only know the deadline so that we could manage it all, organize it all, prepare. One week? Two? Another month? And, in a way, in some God awful way, we kind of longed for it to be over already and to get back to normal... and then,
it was...
but it wasn't.
Nothing was normal again. There was just grief.
Please. Do not feel sorry for me. I do not want to be pitied - or consoled. I just want...
to be.
