And now, she doesn't...

So, yesterday morning I get a text from Candice asking, "How did you know that you loved dad?"

Uh oh. What is this? Is she having second thoughts?

I responded with a long-winded text but never heard back from her. Hours went by and no response from her. Already my radar is up and I'm aware that something is not right. Finally, at 9:12p she responds with, "I'm not ready to get married."

I hit the roof. 

I mean, I completely lost it. 

I, obviously, am already insecure about her commitment because she'd broken up with Aaron twice recently. But with this last reuniting, she'd accepted an engagement ring, bought the dress, had the ring sized, we're spending money traveling out of town for everything including choosing the venue. She's seemed so excited - on Cloud 9 - and then BAM! What the heck is going through her mind? How can someone walk around seeming so completely happy and excited about the wedding only to call it all off?!

She's started drinking alcohol recently. Is it the alcohol? She's also started hanging out with another girl who is known for her poor influence on Candice. Is it this girl's influence again? And there's suspicion that her boss is pursuing her despite knowing that she's in a relationship with Aaron. Is it this guy? 

I'm Aaron's mother first. I'm not going to sit on this information and just wait for him to be blind-sided by her. I enter his room and show him the texts and he immediately begins attempting "damage control."

Update: All of Aaron's attempts to save the relationship have failed. The wedding is off...

She said, "I will!"

And Aaron did such a beautiful job of picking out an heirloom wedding ring that will stand the test of time!

Then we go dress shopping! She was so beautiful and, of course, tears were already shed. (':

Looking for faith (again)

Since mom's death, I have been re-questioning my beliefs in afterlife.  I recognized that this was the beginning of a new spiritual journey for me. And you see, by thinking of it this way, I already prepare myself for an outcome of assurance in life after death.

I started with this video by Julia Sweeney - Letting Go of God which I believed would actually be a testimony of Julia's "letting go" only to find Him in the end somehow.  I watched the entire thing thinking "any minute now, she's going to have an epiphany of the existence of God!  

She didn't.

While I didn't want to believe in God simply because I was raised that way, or simply because it gave me peace of mind; this video did reveal to me was that I wanted to believe in God.  

Then I began watching Long Island Medium starring Theresa Caputo (and family).  I watched as she gave readings and watched as people reacted to her readings.  These people seemed too "real" to be actors. I watched and cried and cried as Theresa provided a peace and reassurance for these people who were suffering from the loss of a loved one.  How could this possible happen if these loved ones no longer existed in any realm?  For me, this is proof and I felt some peace from watching her.

My husband hears that Hayhouse is having another "I Can Do It" seminar in June in Austin featuring the one and only, amazing Dr. Wayne Dyer.  He knows how I enjoy Wayne and the Hayhouse community.  I have a cd collection of Wayne's lectures and I listen to them over and over.  Roy suggests we go and while it's hard for me to spend the money on it, I do think it's a good idea and I'm in! 

Recently, I saw a book being promoted by several mediums I follow on Facebook - Answers about the Afterlife by Bob Olson.  Looked interesting but who is Bob Olson?  I researched him and found his site: Afterlifetv.com. Apparently, Bob is a private investigator and, after loosing his father, began a journey for proof of an afterlife; hence, the sight.  He has interviewed numerous people including some who have experienced nde's, world-renowned mediums, ect. His website includes skyped interviews with these people.  I watch. I also purchase Bob's book along with Hello From Heaven, and The Book of Knowing and Worth (which is a trilogy and I hope to purchase the other two books eventually: I Am The Word, and The Book of Love and Creation).  I've got lots of reading to do now beginning with Hello From Heaven.  I haven't finished the first chapter when I came across the name Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and had to YouTube her for more information.  This video, To Live Until You Die is what I started with and a little less than halfway through I'm in tears and agree that this woman is an amazing person.  

In the meantime, my son and his girlfriend of six years have been on and off again for the several months.  It's a tough time for him (and the rest of the family as well).  So I've been stressed for him.  Stressed for his mentality, stressed for his future, and frustrated with her for leaving over and over again.  At this time, when our family is healing - trying to heal - from the death of mema and Roy's mother - this drama! This unnecessary drama?  I'm really angry and I really want to have my say but I'm trying so hard to stay out of it and keep my mouth shut. And how do I find peace while I'm feeling so upset with her and defensive of my son?  

This is my challenge.

I finish the To Live Until You Die video and continue reading Hello From Heaven. Half way through the first chapter I read of a woman coping with the death of her daughter.  It strikes me that if I continue this journey, I could become capable to deal with death better. And if God feels that I am capable to deal with it, might I also be bestowed the challenge to deal with my child's death too? I never ever want to be in the position that I am able to deal with the death of one of my children! Of course, I want to die if any of them die and that is all there is to that.  Too deep?  Am I over-complicating? Probably. Likely. Stop journey?

Later: I've discontinued reading Hello From Heaven as it seems ill-written to me and the first chapter was more of an explanation as to how the book was born rather than with an enthusiastic big-bang account of an ADC. But maybe my judgment evolved from a preconceived perception that I may have formed while watching the interview between Bob Olson and the writer, Bill Guggenheim, because in the interview Bill states that he would not allow for any editing of the book.  So, thus far for me, a bore but I haven't given up on it completely; simply looking for more right now.  

I open The Book of Knowing and Worth which is the channeled text through Paul Selig. (I was introduced to Paul Selig in the recorded interview of Bob Olson.) Chapter One is also an introduction which presents a changing time and the importance of self-worth.  It occurs to me (again) that many churches seem focused on teaching their congregation to worship and praise God and God's importance, with little to no focus on our actual connection to God, and how we actually honor Him by honoring ourselves, that in us we can find Him, and in spirit we are all connected as one.