I do again

This evening I received a text from Candice's mom, Estella.

Estella: "U busy"

Me (Curious...): "No. Just chilling. What's up?"

Estella: "Did Aaron text you"

Me (Stressed now. Something is amiss!): "No. What's going on?" 

I sit on the couch with the kids while I wait for her response. I know that something is going on, I just don't know if it's good, or bad. I mention my stress to the kids and then bust out in prayer! "Surround my family with the White Light of the Holy Spirit! Bless us! Bless us! Bless us!"

Estella: "He said they want a marriage license like to get married quick. They want nobody to know what's up but us."

Me (Stunned. I thought they were going to go slow. "Baby steps" he said! This is not slow! What do I feel? What should I feel? I have no damn clue! I can't even think.): "Where is Aaron?"

Estella: "They're out together."

Me: "Can I come over?" (I've already grabbed my purse and I'm sitting in the car with the motor running before I ever get a response from her!)

She was out on an errand and said that she'd let me know when she got home again.

This is good. I can't react. I'll just sit in the car here and process for a minute. Tears are welling up. Happy tears. Aaron and Candice pull up behind me and Aaron is already inside when I exit the car.  Candice is sitting in their car waiting. I knock on the window and she rolls it down. "Whatcha doing?" I ask. We make a little small talk and she informs me that Aaron had gone in to get me. I act as if I don't know what's going on. 

"Where were you going?" she asks. 

"Ohhhh. Just... over... to... your... parents'." I say ever so slowly. And a grin creeps across her face as she realizes that I know.

Aaron is walking towards the car now and Candice is grinning at him from ear to ear and shaking her head as if to signal to him. She tells him, "Ask your mom where she was going."

Secrets out.

I talk to them about it. Ask if they are really ready now. They both seem pretty good. I tell Aaron, "You know I love you." and I look at Candice, "but do you know that I love you?" I open the door as she looks away wiping a tear away. I lean in and hug her saying, "I love you Candice. Listen I get mad at my own kids but I still love them. And you're my baby too. I love you. I can't believe that I could love someone else's baby as much as I love you." We're both crying and hugging. 

I do love her. I love her so much. I really do want to keep her - for-ev-er!!

So wedding is on again.

Whatever she wants...

Saturday, July 19th. It's obvious that something has happened. It's good - at least Aaron seems to think so. I don't know what it is, I only know that Aaron seems to be elated and super excited for church tomorrow. I'm guessing he's talked to Candice. He asks me to wake him early on Sunday but as it turned out, he never went to sleep.

Sunday, July 20. Aaron returns home after church. Things are quiet. He seems solemn. I'm guessing the day didn't go quite as he'd hoped. 

Monday, July 21. I received several calls and texts from Aaron around 5p. I return his call and he informs me that his truck broke down about an hour outside of town and he's got a wrecker on the way but wants me to come get him. In his firm, authorative voice he says, "Candice is with me so be nice!" 

I chuckle. 

Of course, I'll be nice. I love her. I'm not pleased with her right now, but I do love her. So, obviously, they went out of town together. They've spent the day talking. (I'm a pretty clever detective, right! *wink*) Possibly, working things out. I'm sure the truck breaking down couldn't have stressed Aaron more. It's the worst timing ever.

Halfway there, Aaron calls to tell me that they are going to ride back home in the wrecker. I figured.

Once they arrive home, I walk outside and hug Candice. Hold it in Karen! Hold it in! NO TEARS DAMN IT!

I give her a smile and there's a little small talk with the wrecker dude.  I go inside to give Aaron and Candice their space.

Tuesday, July 22. Aaron spent the night with Candice at her family's home. 

She's still friends with her boss on Facebook. Today he posted a collage photo of the two of them together. And she "liked" on the post. I think about how she is sitting in the same room with Aaron while "liking" on this guy's photo of her with him. 

If the shoe were on the other foot. 

Wednesday, July 23. Aaron has not spent one second without Candice. 

She whispers to me, "Obviously, he's afraid to let me out of his sight." 

I respond, "Well I suppose he'll have to let you out of his sight sooner or later."

She whispers, "No. He doesn't have to."

It's obvious by Aaron's voice that he's just so thrilled and thankful to be in her company again. But I'm worried that he's walking on eggshells too for fear of making her mad and having her leave again.  I love her but I'm afraid she'll leave again too. And he'll be heartbroken all over again. 

I don't understand what's going on in her head.

Is this the depression? Or is this just relationship confusion? Is this fear of commitment? Or what the fuck is this?

She seems to be depressed all the time. She seems to be unsatisfied all the time. She seems to spend all of her time on the internet searching out depressing mimis that will support her depression.

As Aaron bounces around trying to please her, I'm certain that he must still be scared to death of losing her again. Why can't she see how much he loves her? And if she can see it, why doesn't it count? Why doesn't it matter? Why doesn't it encourage her? Why does she simply insist on being depressed?

She used to bounce around the house. Laughing out loud with her mouth wide open. Was she faking it all along? Maybe. But maybe that's the best way to deal with depression. Ignoring it. Push it aside. Distract yourself. It's okay to acknowledge it, but then refuse to feed it.

Obviously, I just don't get it. 

Thursday, July 24. Aaron mentions that he and Candice plan to move in to our empty apartment. I asked how things are going between them and he responds quietly, "so far, so good." He doesn't sound very sure of himself though. I ask how her parents are doing. "Better now that she's home." He takes a roll of toilet paper into his room. I'm guessing maybe she's crying. 

I remember the last break-up and she came back to Aaron with a "shopping list" of conditions. He was hesitant but agreed to everything she wanted. Stupid shit like moving away and drinking alcohol, etc. When she asked him what he wanted, he said, "just you." 

Pathetic, right! 

I wished Aaron would let ME do his negotiating!

My stomach is in knots this morning. I'm stressed for Aaron's sake. Candice's internet posts are all negative and sad. I have a horrible feeling that she's still not going to stick around. 

I hope I'm wrong but feeling sick.

Gone fishing!

Relief! As it's always a good day for Aaron when he's invited to go fishing with the Partida family. He'll be back tomorrow afternoon, but I can relax a little knowing that he's happy to be with them when he can't be with her.

I think there is part of them that feels closer to her when they spend time with him as well.

Thanking God for the sweet way they try to lift his spirits.

Update: my sweet boy managed to lose another phone in the Gulf. I know it adds to his feeling of loss not having his phone to look her up. It might be a good thing though, and it's only for a couple of days until the replacement arrives.