My letter to my boys

I raised you 

according to my high expectations of you. 

I’m proud of you 

because you have become a respectful 

and independent young man 

(because of me & in spite of me). 

I know it frustrates you 

when I continue to parent you, 

but I do so 

because I’ve enjoyed parenting you 

(good times & bad), 

and because 

I love you 

(even when you thought I didn’t).

I hope, 

in your heart, 

you know how much I love you 

and I hope it makes you feel good 

knowing that I raised you 

like a hard-ass 

because I knew your potential 

and expected nothing less. 

We’ve both made mistakes, 

but I am happy 

that we can 

forgive each other. 

~with all my love ♥

P.O.L.

When you feel completely resolved that your relationship is over,
and then,
something happens,
and its not over.

But nothing has changed.
The problem has not been resolved.
The finances have not improved.
Nothing has been worked out.
Nothing new.
Except that,
you both have decided
its not over,
and you have this rush of relief
come over you, and,
even though the problem is still there,
you are okay now
because the relationship is too.

That rush, that relief - is that one small piece of evidence, or POL (proof of love)? Is it one way that love shows itself? There will always be problems. There will always be financial difficulties. But when you wake up each day and you're still together - isn't it that consistency that creates a sense of stability that trust manifests from? And that is how love shows its face. It's the "for worse" in " for better or for worse". And one day you look at the life of your relationship and you say, "wow, look at everything we've been through."

Well, evidently, for me, it is not worth posting if I have no photo to share with it.  We'll try a little music instead.



So I've been in sort of a funk lately.  I'm neglecting my photography.  I'm neglecting my house cleaning.  I'm neglecting me.  I'm gaining weight, and I feel like shit.  I know what I want to do, I simply have to put the self-discipline behind it.  So, I am documenting here, now, some steps I plan to take in my effort to get myself where I'd like to be emotionally and physically.  And hopefully, by declaring it here in black and white, it will help me to commit to them.

1. Meditate daily for at least 15 minutes.
2. Run/walk for a minimum of 30 minutes, 5 days a week.
3. Declutter the home and re-decorate.
4. Pick a book and read it.
5. Complete at least one major art project every 3 months.

hair envy

I love her hair.  More than that though, I want it! The big messy golden curls - awesomeness.

que sera sera

Seems the only time I can think life over is in the car going from here to there, and lying in bed at nights with the lights out, in the movie theatre, and especially in the shower - those are the best blogs that usually stay in my head and never make it to black and white.

*

He controls her... and I suppose, she allows it, but she is so unhappy.  He is angry and he takes it out on her.  When he yells, he is a monster.  His words cut.  And I want to save her.  It should be me.  I can handle it.  She can't.  She is weak and afraid.  But I am a monster.  Monster vs. Monster - that's the fair fight.  I have words that cut deep.  I have been trained - and adequately.  I thought I was over it... but now I wonder. Am I?  I think about him and I dream of yelling at him, in ways she never will.  I dream of attacking him the way he attacks her verbally.  An eye for an eye.... leaving everyone blind.  Bastard.  I will see you screaming.

*

You have no idea how hard I've looked

for a gift to bring You.

Nothing seemed right.

What's the point of bringing gold to

the gold mine, or water to the ocean.

...Everything I came up with was like

taking spices to the Orient.

It's no good giving my heart and my

soul because you already have these.

So I've brought you a mirror.

Look at yourself and remember me.

(Jalalud'din Rumi)

Dear loved one,

In your effort to present yourself an adult, you have grossly overshot and, consequently, find yourself back at square one. Try again sweetie.

*

It's no secret, parenting is one of the hardest jobs in existance. I have three biological children and two step-sons. In all actuality, all of these children were easy enough to raise - I do count myself a lucky parent.

My children are treasures that have gifted me a life of beautiful memories which bind us together, and peppered with worry, which did at times consume me.

What is she doing here, in the middle of all this stuff that has nothing to do with her?

(The Photograph, by Penelope Lively)

"Hindsight, I think, is a useless tool.  We, each of us, are at a place in our lives because of innumerable circumstances, and we, each of us, have a responsibility (if we do not like where we are) to move along life's road, to find a better path if this one does not suit, or to walk happily along this one if it is indeed our life's way.  Changing even the bad things that have gone before would fundamentally change who we are, and whether or not that would be a good thing, I believe, it is impossible to predict.  So I take my past experiences... and try to regret nothing..."

— R.A. Salvatore (Sea of Swords)

Bel far niente!

(the beauty of doing nothing)

The Treasure Hunt

 

“I have not yet grown weary of looking at the water, doing nothing, thinking idly in a haphazard sort of way.” Doris Grumbach “Coming into the End Zone”

might get you sad...

Jr. wrote the following to me today:

He titled the message: might get you sad so you may want to read it later

"We lost two more guys on the night of the 28th. They were apart of our Eplosive Ordinance Disposal Team (EOD) so their job was to keep us all alive pretty much. They are the guys who go out with us and disarm the IEDs that we find and either blow them in place or bring back with us to blow up in a safe area. They were missing (sic) with a booby trapped IED that was daisy chained (multiple bombs spread out and they ended up setting the IED off. One was killed instantly and the other survived the explosion but our medics were only able to keep him alive for about 30 minutes. He might of had a chance to live but helicopters can't fly during snow storms so we could not get him air lifted to a hospital. We should not have been out there to begin with because something LIKE THIS could have happened... I have seen dead Iraquis and dead Afghans and have even watched one bleed out in my scope until he died and none of it has affected me. Seeing your friends die a horrible death and be there knowing there is nothing you can do for them is the worse feeling in the world. Seeing all their blood, carrying their lifeless bodies, being told by the medic there is nothing we can do for them and covering them up... these memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.

These guys saved our lives a countless number of times and we will forever be in their debt. Staff Sgt. Chauncy R. Mays, 25, of Cookville, Texas and Spc. Christopher G. Stark, 22, of Monett, Missouri."


I wrote back:

"I couldn't wait until later. I have to know.

Crying and my heart is breaking just sitting here in this office trying to imagine what you've seen and been through, and what your friend was going through as he lay there dying - and, I just can't imagine. I think I would want to scream. Lesser things have haunted people... carry it with you, and don't let yourself become immune to it. I'm going to be praying for their families, friends, and you all. Love you."

*

What else could I have said? Trying to put myself in his shoes, I cry and cry. He is only 3 months into this second tour and he's already seen at least 3 very close friends die in front of him.  My heart breaks. 

Letters from Jr.

My stepson, Jr., wrote me from Afghanistan (February 2, 2011)

Our letters follow:

Jr:   "One of my good friends was killed and 4 others injured on the 31st... Soltero should not have died. I was using HIS sniper rifle watching over the patrol when it should have been him using HIS weapon."

Me:   "No Roy - you don't hold that weight - God doesn't give anyone the power to decide the ultimate fate - you know that - there's a higher Power and you've got to trust that.

I know it's still hard dealing with the loss though, especially when you can't justify it. Him holding his weapon wouldn't have shielded him from a bullet.

There are lessons to learn in everything. Obviously, Soltero touched your life in a special way - you think about that. You think about what he would want you to take away from that brotherhood. You get angry about it if you need to - but you still keep your wits about you too. There are alot of others counting on you. There are alot of others feeling the same pain as you about his death - be the example that they can turn to.

I'm so so sorry you have to deal with that.

I know I can't truly relate to the situation becauase of the circumstances I have never been in before - I have dealt with the death of someone close to me - many times.

You get angry.
You get even.
But you remain smart about it.
You be a leader to the others around you. Someone they can lean on.

I wish things were different. I wish Soltero were still here and okay. I didn't get the pleasure of knowing him, but whenever you need to talk about anything - you can talk to me.

Grieving is a process - let it run it's course."

Jr:   "It's just so hard to believe. I still expect to see him in the gym, walking around, eating, or at his room but he is not there. Every time I go somewhere I keep thinking he is going to be there with his usual big smile and "sup bro." I can't even sleep. During the last two nights I have had dreams of all the times we spent back at Fort Polk and out here but then I start dreaming about the 31st.

Even in his death he saved lives. It was an Improvised Explosive Device that killed him but his body took most of the blast which saved the lives of everyone around him. I wish you did know him so you would know how much of a good guy he was. I don't know how to go on right now. Is it alright to laugh? smile?

I don't know if you guys are at home or what but my buddies mom just told me that on the national geographic channel there is an awesome show that should be watched by our families. Apparently it is on life in the infantry and I don't know if it is all about the Tangi Valley or just some of it but she said it is a definite eye opener on the situation we are in."

Me:   "I do understand how surreal it feels - harder for you though because you are used to seeing Soltero on a daily basis.

What you are experiencing right now is you processing his passing; very slowly. And it could easily take a year or two or even more. Allow yourself plenty of time. One day you will have spent soooo much time thinking about it and reliving it, that it will be easier to handle, easier to talk about. But when you think of him, you will likely always grieve for his presence - and that's ok.

Today, I went to a funeral. Papaw's older brother passed away, and well - death is always going to be difficult to deal with. You have the added trauma of seeing people die around you, and in such a traumatic way, and these people are your brothers. I imagine some people pass so that they can be "there" to greet other loved ones when they pass over. Papaw was there to greet his brother; likely Soltero was greeted by someone close to him and he will be there to greet those that come after him. He is not alone, he is not in pain. He is in complete happiness, small things do not bother him anymore. Just think how minor our problems are here, when we will eventually leave all this behind anyhow.

Right now, you just let your mind do its thing. It's normal to feel all the pain and confusion and disbelief. You may catch yourself laughing one day, and then feeling guilty for it - the guilt is a normal part of processing too - acknowledge the guilt and then process it out.

You are not alone - provide an open ear and comfort words to the other guys that are trying to process this too (it will likely help you to process it too)."

there's a mosquito in my bedroom

2011 GOALS

1. quality time with kids
2. stay on top of homeschooling
3. carpet house
4. new furniture
5. keep house and yard clean
6. running (loose weight again)
7. bust ass at work
8. lots of photography (on my terms)

Health update

Today I had my second mammogram as well as a pelvic ultrasound. The first was pretty painful this time and I'm still holding a grudge against the nurse over it. The doctor had ordered this second mammo because of some lumps he'd seen on the first mammo. I guess he just wanted a better look, because the second mammo was supposed to be a little more specific to the area of interest. The pelvic ultrasound was ordered, I believe, just to reassure him that there was nothing worrisome there, considering my iron deficiency and problems with my "cycles". He suggested I could either get on birth control (I'm 42 and have all the children I desire to have), except that birth control increases the chances of cancer and considering my history, he prefers I not opt for this; rather, I undergo some sort of burn inside the uterus. With this procedure, I keep my uterus, and hormones are not effected, but I will not be able to have babies nor will I have my "cycle" either (yeah!); just don't know how much cost of this procedure my insurance would cover and how much out of pocket, so still wondering about if it will happen. On the other hand, the doc says the lumps in the leftie are probably not cancerous and, if not, we will simply monitor them every six months. mmmmm, not liking that response. The first lump I ever had (about 20 years ago) was not cancerous either, but because it could become cancerous and because of my mother's cancer, the doc opted to remove it so we wouldn't need to worry over it. That seems more rational to me. Why would we wait until we have cancer to remove the lump? Why would we not do a preventative procedure? If I had my way, I would have both "the girls" removed and have small A-cup implants. No worries then. I suppose I will wait to see the outcome of these tests. I really think he's just getting a better look at the lump and trying to identify them. If it is concerning enough, I would suppose they would do a procedure to identify whether it is cancerous or not. And, I suppose, I might entertain the idea of getting a second opinion too. I seriously want them removed so I have no worries, but I'd like there to be enough cause that insurance would help with the payments.

Additionally, it turns out I am anemic. I've had plenty of people suggest that I was because of my "ice fetish", and I suppose I put the possibility back in my assumptions somewhere. So, I wasn't surprised to find out. Consequently, the doc is putting me on an iron supplement. Actually, I've got perscriptions for several meds now. I also have Inderal (stress), something else for blood pressure, prenatal vitamins, and something for constipations - just in case the iron supplements cause a problem here. *rolling eyes*

My head has been hurting. I know this is because of the blood pressure, but I just haven't had time to get it filled. Hopefully, by the weekend. It's just that there are so many drugs, I'm worried about the cost too.

I'd really like to loose my weight again. It really felt good to run and I loved the results. Problem: time. As it is, I finish my day about 12:00a, so how in the world am I supposed to fit something else in... maybe during lunch or right after work and before I drive home... ? 

barrage of exams

So, I've had my doctor's appointment. It seemed they ran every test they could possibly think of. I hated it, but do feel relieved that they were so thorough. They took blood and urine samples. They took x-rays. They did the "woman" exams and Monday I go for my first mammogram. And they put me on a heart monitor for 24 hours. Plus, testing me for anemia. Considering my crazy "fetish" for ice, I can likely guess those results. I've scheduled a follow-up on the Monday after Thanksgiving, and he wrote me a new prescription for Inderal.

I ordered a couple of books: The Tao of Pooh, and The Te of Piglet. I received The Tao of Pooh the day before yesterday. I can't wait to start reading. Haven't opened it yet because I haven't been feeling well at all. I've taken my blood pressure for the past three days and the readings are running close to 150/107 (pulse 85). Today was worse, suffering from a terrible headache and some nausea. I'll take some Inderal tonite, and tomorrow will be back to "normal".

doodies & duties

So I've been in a funk lately. My husband has (once again) "checked-out" of participating as a family. According to him, he has SO much stress he simply cannot function any further. I understand his stresses. Jr, his eldest, left for Afghanistan last Tuesday. Then there is Corey and all of his drama, plus, he too will be leaving for Afghanistan come May. Then there is the stresses of work (the real love of his life), and now, his lovely wife is not having s-e-x with him.

Well?! What do you expect!?!? Like I really want to do all of my "duties" when he is not following through with his promises and responsibilities, and has all the same excuses (again). Duh!

He no longer helps me with the kids homeschooling either, so I get to handle the education of our children alone (honestly, probably better that way).  But! I have all of those same worries that he does; plus! I get to worry about the threats on my life by his ex-wife (who has promised that if one of her sons dies over in Afghanistan, she will have me "taken care of" as well! I know that this makes no sense at all, but who said she makes any sense at all! Then, let us take into account that should one of the boys come home paralyzed or seriously injured - it will be I who is the lucky one to get to spoon feed him, bathe him, and wipe the poo from his butt for the rest of my life. And, I too, will be the hard ass who insists that he still be as independent as possible (if possible); the hard ass that pushes him to continue to search for his passion, and go for it. Because we all know Roy won't do any of that! He'll be too stressed to function. And Grandma! She is too old and frail! She would never be able to lift either of the boys, nor would she ever push them to strive for independence. Then there's Raquel - I mean their "real mom". Uhhhh, yeah, like she'd finally step up to the plate under those circumstances.

So rather than stepping up and being the husband I need, he simply sleeps the days away, waking only to feed, poop, shower, and go to work. But we've been here before - many times.

The kids notice too, of course; all of them have.  All of them point out how much he sleeps, and Roy has gotten to the point where he practically calls the kids liars about it.  I think he is convincing himself that I have brainwashed the kids into believing he sleeps all the time. 

Seriously, I'd rather be alone, but I can't bring myself to leave him yet. The kids and I have some security from the income he brings. I don't want the kids lifestyle to change. We would need to give up the television, the internet, the cellphones; even then, I'm not sure it would be enough. Then there is my family. They are very unsupportive when it comes to divorce, which only complicates the issue for me.