white trash beautiful

Sometimes, I find myself miserable because I'm focusing on my haters. 

Many of which are in the "family" now. 

It's crazy

how they can be so mean

but

they've never had a genuine interest

in getting to know me really. 

They pass judgment based on loyalties

rather than knowledge

It's okay to quit!

My mom sends me the best emails! Here's one originated by motivational speaker, Veraunda Jackson.

It's okay to quit!

1. Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness! Respect their position and keep it moving!

2. Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them! And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!

3. Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you. Either they believe in you and value you...or they don't!

4. Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!

5. Quit gossiping about other people! Minding our own business should be a full time job!

6. Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter three weeks from now! Talk solutions...and then implement them!

7. Quit eating things you know are not good for you! If you can't quit...eat smaller portions!

8. Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them! If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores! Quit charging things, especially when you don't NEED them!

9. Quit staying in unhealthy relationships! It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself! It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children!

10. Quit letting family members rope you into the drama! -Start telling them you don't want to hear it! Quit spreading the drama! Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your brothers, sisters, cousin, etc.! Go back to #5 minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!

11. Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK! Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are! (or maybe, they are being miserable because of some private life drama that you don't know about)

12. Quit the job you hate! Start pursuing your passion. Find the job that fuels your passion BEFOREyou quit!

13. Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore! Quit volunteering for things and then failing to follow through with your commitment!

14. Quit listening to the nay-sayers! Quit watching the depressing news if you are going to live in the doom and gloom of it all!

15. Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you can't do what you want to do!

16. Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself! If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!

17. Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!- Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! If you want something different than what you have had in the past...you must quit doing what you have done before and DO something different! JUST QUIT IT ...... and START DOING something to create the experience you want!

my 1st post from my phone..

My stomach's kind of upset today. I think its nerves. So stressed about mom's cancer. Spent last Sunday with her and she ended up back in the hospital because her stitches ripped. I saw more of my mother than I ever thought I'd see. It seems I can handle it, but still I must be somewhat traumatized from seeing so much skin and seeing her so weak, because I can't seem to shake it off. Me, my two sisters, and mom are heading to Houston on Sunday for a meeting with the doctors at MD Anderson on Monday. We are expecting to find out the extint of the cancer and what treatment options are. All this, and working full-time, and homeschooling my two youngest.

Then there's the hub. I just dont feel like I'm getting any support during this ordeal with mom, but that's really no surprise. I mean, it's not like we have ever had a strong relationship. Last weekend, he went out drinking with his guy friends again, but this time he didn't come home until 5:00 a.m. So, first it was 3:00, then 4:00, and now it's 5:00. I don't care. Our marriage has been a complete sham this entire time anyhow. It's just, I wish the reason that I didn't care was because we had so much trust and love; but then, I suppose if that were the case, he wouldn't go out like that anyhow. Blah! Anyway, I made him leave again yesterday. He'll probably be back but I wish that I knew what we were supposed to do. I read somewhere that people stay in your life until you have learned what you were supposed to from the relationship. I wish I knew already what I am supposed to learn from this relationship with Roy. Then it could either end, or improve. (psh! who am I kidding? Fifteen plus years together, this is it - its not going to change.)

So I throw myself into helping care for my mother and work and homeschooling.

My kids are such a relief in my life.

Mom (aka Memaw)

When I was little, I always thought my mom the superhero sort.

I was in high school when my mom got cancer. She had a mastectomy and underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I remember coming home from school and she would be laid up in bed, not feeling well. All this, and I was immune to the gravity of the situation – I think, because she was my MOM. She was like a super freakin’ hero. She knew everything and could do anything. (Certainly, she would never die.) And anyway, that sort of drama didn’t happen to our family.

wow - that seems really naive now.

But you know what - she beat that cancer.

My mom has cancer again. We are all just taking it one day at a time. Waiting for and focusing on receiving that next piece of information, and, direction. So, yesterday we received more news that I think, honestly, we were all kind of expecting. But you know when you hear it, when you get that confirmation it suddenly becomes “real”? (They found cancer in her lymph nodes.)

At this point, that’s all I really know.

"When we were children,

we used to think that when we were grown-up

we would no longer be vulnerable.

But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...

To be alive is to be vulnerable."

(Madeleine L'Engle)

Have you seen my puppy?

About 2+ years ago, my youngest, and only daughter out of five, Drew (now 9) goes shopping with her own money (probably birthday money or something).. and we’re in Hobby Lobby and she sees this stuffed schnauzer on the shelf costing pretty much all she had in her pocket.. but she’s hesitant because she’s already picked something else out that she dearly wants. So I’m like, “one or other.. let’s go..” and she’s just torn over the decision.

Now, Drew is the sort that will look into those two shiny beaded eyes of any stuffed animal and connect with it’s… well, not with it’s soul – but connect, nonetheless. So I tell her, “put the pup down and if you can walk away without worrying over it, then you know which item you want.” So she lays the pup on the shelf at her eye level and makes that “connection”. As soon as she walks away from it, tears begin pouring from her eyes. Decision made.

A year later she's still dragging that pup, now named Zoey, everywhere. Eventually she looses it, and my hunch is she laid Zoey down somewhere in WallyWorld and inadvertently left her there (well, this is the last place I recall seeing Zoey.)

End of story?

Nope.

She searches high and low for that pup only to cry herself to sleep night after night. Sympathetic to her misery, and maybe even slightly exhausted by it, we go back to Hobby Lobby in search of a replacement. By this time, it’s been more than a year since we first purchased Zoey, but low and behold a shelf full of Zoey’s remains. This time… we get TWO! Only she doesn’t name it Zoey or even Zoey Jr., no - she names them Chloe and Joey. So… she's STILL missing Zoey!!

It’s been more than a year since purchasing “replacements” Chloe and Joey, and STILL she cries for Zoey! Sometimes it's a rough night with the tears streaming and other nights it's just that quiet, lone tear trickling down her cheek. Just this week she made another one of her “Missing” posters. “Have you seen Zoey?” and “Please come home Zoey, I miss you”. How pathetic is this, I ask you?

Okay. Plan B!

Yesterday, I went to Hobby Lobby – by myself this time, and more than TWO years since purchasing the first Zoey. And, you guessed it, there is ONE more Zoey in the whole dang store. Is this a sign?? So now, I’m going to lug this pup around - secretly, wearing it out and washing and drying it only to dirty it again (how long is this going to take?). Then, I’ll place this pup in that crack between the washer and dryer, so that eventually she’ll miraculously (or... well, maybe somewhat orchestrated by yours truly) be reunited with her long lost Zoey. Ta daaaa!

Pray for me.

Drew and the original, one and only, Zoey!

My letter to my boys

I raised you 

according to my high expectations of you. 

I’m proud of you 

because you have become a respectful 

and independent young man 

(because of me & in spite of me). 

I know it frustrates you 

when I continue to parent you, 

but I do so 

because I’ve enjoyed parenting you 

(good times & bad), 

and because 

I love you 

(even when you thought I didn’t).

I hope, 

in your heart, 

you know how much I love you 

and I hope it makes you feel good 

knowing that I raised you 

like a hard-ass 

because I knew your potential 

and expected nothing less. 

We’ve both made mistakes, 

but I am happy 

that we can 

forgive each other. 

~with all my love ♥

P.O.L.

When you feel completely resolved that your relationship is over,
and then,
something happens,
and its not over.

But nothing has changed.
The problem has not been resolved.
The finances have not improved.
Nothing has been worked out.
Nothing new.
Except that,
you both have decided
its not over,
and you have this rush of relief
come over you, and,
even though the problem is still there,
you are okay now
because the relationship is too.

That rush, that relief - is that one small piece of evidence, or POL (proof of love)? Is it one way that love shows itself? There will always be problems. There will always be financial difficulties. But when you wake up each day and you're still together - isn't it that consistency that creates a sense of stability that trust manifests from? And that is how love shows its face. It's the "for worse" in " for better or for worse". And one day you look at the life of your relationship and you say, "wow, look at everything we've been through."

Well, evidently, for me, it is not worth posting if I have no photo to share with it.  We'll try a little music instead.



So I've been in sort of a funk lately.  I'm neglecting my photography.  I'm neglecting my house cleaning.  I'm neglecting me.  I'm gaining weight, and I feel like shit.  I know what I want to do, I simply have to put the self-discipline behind it.  So, I am documenting here, now, some steps I plan to take in my effort to get myself where I'd like to be emotionally and physically.  And hopefully, by declaring it here in black and white, it will help me to commit to them.

1. Meditate daily for at least 15 minutes.
2. Run/walk for a minimum of 30 minutes, 5 days a week.
3. Declutter the home and re-decorate.
4. Pick a book and read it.
5. Complete at least one major art project every 3 months.

hair envy

I love her hair.  More than that though, I want it! The big messy golden curls - awesomeness.

que sera sera

Seems the only time I can think life over is in the car going from here to there, and lying in bed at nights with the lights out, in the movie theatre, and especially in the shower - those are the best blogs that usually stay in my head and never make it to black and white.

*

He controls her... and I suppose, she allows it, but she is so unhappy.  He is angry and he takes it out on her.  When he yells, he is a monster.  His words cut.  And I want to save her.  It should be me.  I can handle it.  She can't.  She is weak and afraid.  But I am a monster.  Monster vs. Monster - that's the fair fight.  I have words that cut deep.  I have been trained - and adequately.  I thought I was over it... but now I wonder. Am I?  I think about him and I dream of yelling at him, in ways she never will.  I dream of attacking him the way he attacks her verbally.  An eye for an eye.... leaving everyone blind.  Bastard.  I will see you screaming.

*

You have no idea how hard I've looked

for a gift to bring You.

Nothing seemed right.

What's the point of bringing gold to

the gold mine, or water to the ocean.

...Everything I came up with was like

taking spices to the Orient.

It's no good giving my heart and my

soul because you already have these.

So I've brought you a mirror.

Look at yourself and remember me.

(Jalalud'din Rumi)

Dear loved one,

In your effort to present yourself an adult, you have grossly overshot and, consequently, find yourself back at square one. Try again sweetie.

*

It's no secret, parenting is one of the hardest jobs in existance. I have three biological children and two step-sons. In all actuality, all of these children were easy enough to raise - I do count myself a lucky parent.

My children are treasures that have gifted me a life of beautiful memories which bind us together, and peppered with worry, which did at times consume me.

What is she doing here, in the middle of all this stuff that has nothing to do with her?

(The Photograph, by Penelope Lively)

"Hindsight, I think, is a useless tool.  We, each of us, are at a place in our lives because of innumerable circumstances, and we, each of us, have a responsibility (if we do not like where we are) to move along life's road, to find a better path if this one does not suit, or to walk happily along this one if it is indeed our life's way.  Changing even the bad things that have gone before would fundamentally change who we are, and whether or not that would be a good thing, I believe, it is impossible to predict.  So I take my past experiences... and try to regret nothing..."

— R.A. Salvatore (Sea of Swords)

Bel far niente!

(the beauty of doing nothing)

The Treasure Hunt

 

“I have not yet grown weary of looking at the water, doing nothing, thinking idly in a haphazard sort of way.” Doris Grumbach “Coming into the End Zone”

might get you sad...

Jr. wrote the following to me today:

He titled the message: might get you sad so you may want to read it later

"We lost two more guys on the night of the 28th. They were apart of our Eplosive Ordinance Disposal Team (EOD) so their job was to keep us all alive pretty much. They are the guys who go out with us and disarm the IEDs that we find and either blow them in place or bring back with us to blow up in a safe area. They were missing (sic) with a booby trapped IED that was daisy chained (multiple bombs spread out and they ended up setting the IED off. One was killed instantly and the other survived the explosion but our medics were only able to keep him alive for about 30 minutes. He might of had a chance to live but helicopters can't fly during snow storms so we could not get him air lifted to a hospital. We should not have been out there to begin with because something LIKE THIS could have happened... I have seen dead Iraquis and dead Afghans and have even watched one bleed out in my scope until he died and none of it has affected me. Seeing your friends die a horrible death and be there knowing there is nothing you can do for them is the worse feeling in the world. Seeing all their blood, carrying their lifeless bodies, being told by the medic there is nothing we can do for them and covering them up... these memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.

These guys saved our lives a countless number of times and we will forever be in their debt. Staff Sgt. Chauncy R. Mays, 25, of Cookville, Texas and Spc. Christopher G. Stark, 22, of Monett, Missouri."


I wrote back:

"I couldn't wait until later. I have to know.

Crying and my heart is breaking just sitting here in this office trying to imagine what you've seen and been through, and what your friend was going through as he lay there dying - and, I just can't imagine. I think I would want to scream. Lesser things have haunted people... carry it with you, and don't let yourself become immune to it. I'm going to be praying for their families, friends, and you all. Love you."

*

What else could I have said? Trying to put myself in his shoes, I cry and cry. He is only 3 months into this second tour and he's already seen at least 3 very close friends die in front of him.  My heart breaks.