I am nothing

So, yesterday started wonderful and ended with a miserable explosion of emotions.  Just before leaving work I watched a video wherein a woman asked several men, "Why do men cheat?"  I suppose it just got me thinking about my situation and if we were really moving forward.

So here's my deal:  I want him to love me.  Not just say it - do it.  And when people are talking shit to me (like his brother kicking me out of the house for not drinking enough, or his mother disrespecting me in my own home, or Dottie calling me the whore when she is the one pursuing a married man...), I expect him to jump in and say something like, "Don't be disrespecting my wife!"  I need him to have that automatic desire to protect and defend me.  I need him to be in my corner.  After all, I raised his two sons from another marriage for the last 15 years.  I've sacrificed a lot and put up with a bunch of crap for 15 years and he never defended me.  I put up with a lot of crap from him from the start of this relationship. Still, I get no loyalty.  

So last night I'm walking around and I'm not all goo goo on him like I have been; a little on the solemn side instead.  And he's asks, "What's up? Is something wrong?"  (I'm sure he regretted the words as soon as they left his lips.)  So I tell him that I need to know.  I need to know that he, without thinking it out or a lot of processing, is going to have a quick response in my defense, because he blew it with the whole Dottie thing already.  Is he going to keep blowing it.  Fifteen years and I never got any defense from him.  He always jumped on the other persons bandwagon and then as soon as they were gone he was apologizing to me.  Does he love me in that way? 

He says nothing.

So I'm like, "I need something - like now.  I need to hear you say, 'yeah, of course, I'm in your corner and I'll defend you.  Don't worry, I love you - we are working on things and its going to be great.'  Look, this is my line on the ground because it's a big deal.  You gotta understand, I can't be married to a man that is always going to jump on someone else's bandwagon rather than be on my side, and defend me.  If you can't take care of me, it's a deal-breaker."

Still, he says nothing.

So I'm like, "So I pretty much have your answer then? ...since you can't say anything.  You just stand there, quiet.  And you can't tell me now, without a doubt, that you are going to defend and take care of me."  So I told him he could just go home to his mom's tomorrow after work and I would get his stuff to him.

He walks out of the kitchen, he scowls at me and points his finger at me snarling, "It's always so easy for you. This is the problem!"

"Did you hear me?"

I follow him into the bedroom, and try to clarify, "this isn't easy for me, but you gotta understand this is a deal-breaker - I can't be married to a man that isn't going to defend me.  You understand that, don't you?  For me, I am the one here being rejected - not you.  You don't like the consequences of going to live with your mom so you're going to get ugly with me.  But I wish you could have just taken me in your arms in there and reassured me that everything was going to be okay - but you didn't.  You responded with hate.  I'm the one getting rejected here.  And I feel like shit.  I don't want you to leave, but I can't be married to someone who isn't going to be in my corner.  You would want me in your corner..."

This went on with him pointing fingers at me and blaming me.  I finally left the room.  Eventually he tried to talk it out some more, but in front of the kids and I told him we needed to take it privately.  We did.

He tried to explain that the whole time, in the kitchen, that I was talking, all he was thinking was, 'If I open my mouth, I'll end up getting kicked out again.'  (It's all about him.)  We talked for a while.  And he's staying home - but I don't know for how long because I really got no resolution.  I laid in bed thinking, his only concern is that he doesn't get kicked out.  He likes it here, in a comfy bed with air conditioning.  It has nothing to do with me, or our family.  His initial reaction is always the asshole reaction.  Do I really want a lifetime of that?

I wish I could have recorded everything last night.  Well, all of our arguments and conversations.  Proof.

It really doesn't matter what I say, or what tone of voice I'm using - if my lips move, he's blocking me out.  It seems it's obviously already over.... why is it so hard for me to accept?

"You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep."

(Navajo Saying)

a date and a smoke

Roy and I went to eat at our favorite buffet, and then sat in the jeep parked outside the house and smoked almost an entire pack of these cigarettes. At the moment, they certainly hit the spot. We just sat there and talked and talked, and listened to music... it was nice.

When we finished our smokes, he was thirsty, so we left for HEB to get drinks.  I was not feeling too good as we went inside.  (I don't smoke much.)  Woozy as we walked around I held onto his arm for support.  I'm sure he thought I was just being silly.

We headed home and had only gone a short distance when it was obvious I was not going to "hold down" my dinner.  I've never seen him drive so fast before.  Raced into an empty parking lot and, just in time..... (nuf said).

Still, a good time.  (definitely memorable)

This song popped on the radio and, we're not big Gaga fans, but we enjoyed this one...

Tentatively improved....

So we've been doing really better with the whole communication thing.  And he understands, at least he should understand, that it is a requirement, for me, that he always be in my corner and ready and willing to defend and protect me if and when I am attacked by anyone, including but not limited to Dottie, his brother, his mother, etc.

But then, last weekend, Dottie sends a text to my phone and it goes like this:

10/8 @ 12:31a

Dottie:  "N"

10/8 @ 1:03a

Me: "What the fuck is that??!! Secret code? Bitch we’re working on our marriage and you need to stay the fuck away from my husband!"

10/8/ @ 1:20a

Dottie: "I guess u forgot ur younger days didn’t u? How easily we forget wat we do huh? Wow…do u remember urself in high school…do u? I do… easy lai! :O"

10/8 @ 1:22a

Me: "Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?"

10/8 @ 1:26a

Dottie: "Nvm…blonde moment??"

10/8 @ 1:27a

Me: "Whatever – stay away from my man, bitch!"

10/8 @ 1:28a

Dottie: "Likewise :)"

My take is it's MY marriage, MY husband, MY life! And I have the right to defend!  She sent the first text and she was wrong.

And Roy is like, "I'm not getting involved because you're both wrong!"

WHAT?!?!?! That's bullshit! He made this mess and then he's not going to stick up for me when I am defending my marriage! My family!

Typed this note on my phone last night:

"You've got to seize the moment because I still have my requirements and if you, honestly, can not bring yourself to defend me and be in my corner, then even tho you may not like the consequences, it just is what it is.  And I am virtually ready to leave the past behind and give you the love, trust, and respect a relationship should have (note, I did not say "which you have earned or deserve"), but by "virtually", I mean, only if you are not going to repeat past mistakes, but seize the moment to make conscience effort to treat me as I should.  No excuses.  It starts now.  Am I in-love, again, with just an idea I've created in my mind of how good it can be, or can this be real?  I am not going to wait another 15 years to come to terms that things have not changed, I am not even going to wait 15 days.  You blew the opportunity to prove yourself during the Dottie issue.  Is this what I can expect?  If your answer is still 'I don't know' after we have been doing so good the past few weeks, after I have been doing everything I'm supposed to, and have proven so much to you - we are either ready together, right now, or we are not.  I can not continue to invest in something more than you are willing to invest in it. This is serious Roy.  This is our relationship, our marriage, our family, our future, on the line. If this family is not going to get 100% of your effort right now, today, then it is time to come to terms with that.  You can continue to be stubborn about investing entirely in this family but its at the expense of your family - and frankly, if that's how it is for you today, then you are a disappointment and not worth my time... our time.  And that's too bad, but it is what it is.  It's always everything in your time but this involves my kids, and it involves me, and they are worth the effort and commitment, and so am I.  And if you can't do that without a doubt today, then its your lose because, today you commit now or never.  It's my line in the sand Roy, and one I can't waiver on because I deserve to be with a man who will care for me in that way.  You would want me in your corner...."

Sounds pretty cocky I think.  Am I willing to back up the words with action and then stick to it?? It's always me that breaks down crying and begging him to come back, to make things better.  I really feel like a sorry excuse for a role-model right now.  What a pathetic weakling.  Ugh!  I may not be curling up in a ball on the floor crying like a victim, literally, but it sure feels like it.

So the plan is to talk to him about this again this weekend.  I need commitment.  Hard, real, no excuses, commitment.

take a bow

already gone

"Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry...."

"Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...."

life upsidedown

With mother on the mend, my focus has shifted completely on my marriage.  I suppose, no matter the efforts, we simply are not going to learn some things until it is, simply, the time.  I have learned some things already from this separation about myself.  With all my "big talk" about wanting this marriage to be over, I am, once again, thrust into a situation in which I could seize the moment and, finally, be rid of it. Instead, I am (again) in panic. What's up with that?  Initially, I thought my panic was only my reaction to the idea of bringing up more children of divorce (which is heartbreaking to me).  Now, I don't think I know anything.  It's so frustrating.

The first week or so of this separation, went by fairly easily.  I was focused on mom, the kids, and myself; certain that eventually, he would be returning home hopefully a little more humble.  

However, then I saw the phone records.  

He'd been making calls and an extreme number of text messages (100 in a 3 day span) to an unknown number.  

I called the number.  

A woman's voice message stating, "This is Dottie, leave a message."  

Sickness.  

Just total and nauseating sickness.

I called Roy at work to ask him about her and, initially, he tried to plead ignorance.  

Confirmation then 

of some sort of secret relationship he wanted me to know nothing about.  

The communications between them had occurred even before this separation, but it appeared to escalate after he moved out.  My reaction was to send a text to her in retaliation and turn off his cellphone. Oh! and I acted quickly, obtaining a new cellphone card so that I could start receiving his messages. 

I printed the phone records so that he could see them in black and white for himself, but he refused to look at them.  He only apologized and appeared to have given up on our relationship.  He was resolved to let it go now.  I couldn't blame him.  Our separation was not just about Dottie, nor his recent binge drinking, but a result of 15 years of pain and retaliation.  Neither of us were happy, not really.

The next night I talked to him again.  Begging him to meet me down the road from his parents to talk.  How pathetic am I?  He seemed to hear me.  Finally.  After years of tuning  out everything I've ever said; tonite, he was semi-open to hearing me. Still, it seemed we were over.  I couldn't concentrate.  I was sick to my stomach. Began popping Xanax. I couldn't go on like this in front of the children.  I couldn't eat and I couldn't work.

I should clarify.  After all of our discussions, I honestly believe that there was no sexual relationship between Roy and Dottie.  But I do believe, and he has admitted and apologized for an inappropriate relationship between he and Blah (who, by the way, is supposed to be "happily married").  Still, it is not easy for me to get over this...

We've continued to talk, little by little each day. Spending weekends together with the kids. I could see some effort from him in that he stuck around for our conversations, and even engaged himself some in the conversation. It was so unlike him. Usually, he would walk away without a word. I was left with nothing.  No information, no understanding, no argument, no consolation, no compromise, no agreement, no reconciliation.  Nothing. 

And I was kissing ass like I have never kissed ass before.  Everything he wanted - anything!  So, again, I find myself feeling as if I am giving more than I am getting.

He was very sick last Saturday, and stayed the night. I played nurse-maid. He stayed the night again, and then again. Then, last night, his son (Corey) surprised us with a visit home from Afghanistan.  We had no idea he was coming, and his timing was couldn't have been worse (for us). So, Roy somehow landed at home again.  Otherwise, I'm not so sure he would have stayed because I had spent the day with things on my mind to talk about, but afraid to talk for fear of making him mad.  

As Roy lay beside me, he thanked me for letting him come home.  What?  This was not exactly how I expected this to go down. This was not really great timing.  Confused and scared, I tried to talk to him about the concerns I'd had earlier in the day; he voiced his. 

He was worried more about whether or not I would ever trust him. I confirmed that it was a relevant concern, and that step one would be for me to witness his instant response to protect and defend me to anyone (friends, family, etc.).  Something he has never done in our 15 years of marriage.  Further, I would have to know that when we come to an agreement about something, anything, that he would respect our agreement.  I had to trust that he would follow through in the way that I needed. At this point, he could not make any promises.  He did not know if he would be able to defend me in any situation, and he could not promise to keep our agreements.

I then expressed my fear that he was simply enjoying me kissing his ass, but once a stressful situation comes up, would he still be by my side, or would he abandon "us".  I didn't want to lose myself in my desperation to safe "us". And I wanted him to know me too, and love me for who I am, as opposed to him simply enjoying my kissing his ass.  He had no response.

So, here we are. Corey is home, and we are, once again, faking it for the kids.  So not good.

What am I doing?

Ugh!

Should I just chill the fuck out and let this man go his own way?

*

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings (one of his party places) and we watched the Dallas Cowboys game together last weekend.  I had a wonderful time with him.  We've had a wonderful time together the past week or so.  I'm just so worried that we're being fake.  I'm just so worried that we are still just putting off the inevitable (divorce).  I suppose, we're both really worried.  I know that, as of today, he does want it to work, and he is having a good time with me.  I just wonder if he is willing to do his part as well....

white trash beautiful

Sometimes, I find myself miserable because I'm focusing on my haters. 

Many of which are in the "family" now. 

It's crazy

how they can be so mean

but

they've never had a genuine interest

in getting to know me really. 

They pass judgment based on loyalties

rather than knowledge

It's okay to quit!

My mom sends me the best emails! Here's one originated by motivational speaker, Veraunda Jackson.

It's okay to quit!

1. Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness! Respect their position and keep it moving!

2. Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them! And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!

3. Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you. Either they believe in you and value you...or they don't!

4. Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!

5. Quit gossiping about other people! Minding our own business should be a full time job!

6. Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter three weeks from now! Talk solutions...and then implement them!

7. Quit eating things you know are not good for you! If you can't quit...eat smaller portions!

8. Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them! If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores! Quit charging things, especially when you don't NEED them!

9. Quit staying in unhealthy relationships! It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself! It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children!

10. Quit letting family members rope you into the drama! -Start telling them you don't want to hear it! Quit spreading the drama! Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your brothers, sisters, cousin, etc.! Go back to #5 minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!

11. Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK! Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are! (or maybe, they are being miserable because of some private life drama that you don't know about)

12. Quit the job you hate! Start pursuing your passion. Find the job that fuels your passion BEFOREyou quit!

13. Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore! Quit volunteering for things and then failing to follow through with your commitment!

14. Quit listening to the nay-sayers! Quit watching the depressing news if you are going to live in the doom and gloom of it all!

15. Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you can't do what you want to do!

16. Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself! If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!

17. Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!- Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! If you want something different than what you have had in the past...you must quit doing what you have done before and DO something different! JUST QUIT IT ...... and START DOING something to create the experience you want!

my 1st post from my phone..

My stomach's kind of upset today. I think its nerves. So stressed about mom's cancer. Spent last Sunday with her and she ended up back in the hospital because her stitches ripped. I saw more of my mother than I ever thought I'd see. It seems I can handle it, but still I must be somewhat traumatized from seeing so much skin and seeing her so weak, because I can't seem to shake it off. Me, my two sisters, and mom are heading to Houston on Sunday for a meeting with the doctors at MD Anderson on Monday. We are expecting to find out the extint of the cancer and what treatment options are. All this, and working full-time, and homeschooling my two youngest.

Then there's the hub. I just dont feel like I'm getting any support during this ordeal with mom, but that's really no surprise. I mean, it's not like we have ever had a strong relationship. Last weekend, he went out drinking with his guy friends again, but this time he didn't come home until 5:00 a.m. So, first it was 3:00, then 4:00, and now it's 5:00. I don't care. Our marriage has been a complete sham this entire time anyhow. It's just, I wish the reason that I didn't care was because we had so much trust and love; but then, I suppose if that were the case, he wouldn't go out like that anyhow. Blah! Anyway, I made him leave again yesterday. He'll probably be back but I wish that I knew what we were supposed to do. I read somewhere that people stay in your life until you have learned what you were supposed to from the relationship. I wish I knew already what I am supposed to learn from this relationship with Roy. Then it could either end, or improve. (psh! who am I kidding? Fifteen plus years together, this is it - its not going to change.)

So I throw myself into helping care for my mother and work and homeschooling.

My kids are such a relief in my life.

Mom (aka Memaw)

When I was little, I always thought my mom the superhero sort.

I was in high school when my mom got cancer. She had a mastectomy and underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I remember coming home from school and she would be laid up in bed, not feeling well. All this, and I was immune to the gravity of the situation – I think, because she was my MOM. She was like a super freakin’ hero. She knew everything and could do anything. (Certainly, she would never die.) And anyway, that sort of drama didn’t happen to our family.

wow - that seems really naive now.

But you know what - she beat that cancer.

My mom has cancer again. We are all just taking it one day at a time. Waiting for and focusing on receiving that next piece of information, and, direction. So, yesterday we received more news that I think, honestly, we were all kind of expecting. But you know when you hear it, when you get that confirmation it suddenly becomes “real”? (They found cancer in her lymph nodes.)

At this point, that’s all I really know.

"When we were children,

we used to think that when we were grown-up

we would no longer be vulnerable.

But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...

To be alive is to be vulnerable."

(Madeleine L'Engle)

Have you seen my puppy?

About 2+ years ago, my youngest, and only daughter out of five, Drew (now 9) goes shopping with her own money (probably birthday money or something).. and we’re in Hobby Lobby and she sees this stuffed schnauzer on the shelf costing pretty much all she had in her pocket.. but she’s hesitant because she’s already picked something else out that she dearly wants. So I’m like, “one or other.. let’s go..” and she’s just torn over the decision.

Now, Drew is the sort that will look into those two shiny beaded eyes of any stuffed animal and connect with it’s… well, not with it’s soul – but connect, nonetheless. So I tell her, “put the pup down and if you can walk away without worrying over it, then you know which item you want.” So she lays the pup on the shelf at her eye level and makes that “connection”. As soon as she walks away from it, tears begin pouring from her eyes. Decision made.

A year later she's still dragging that pup, now named Zoey, everywhere. Eventually she looses it, and my hunch is she laid Zoey down somewhere in WallyWorld and inadvertently left her there (well, this is the last place I recall seeing Zoey.)

End of story?

Nope.

She searches high and low for that pup only to cry herself to sleep night after night. Sympathetic to her misery, and maybe even slightly exhausted by it, we go back to Hobby Lobby in search of a replacement. By this time, it’s been more than a year since we first purchased Zoey, but low and behold a shelf full of Zoey’s remains. This time… we get TWO! Only she doesn’t name it Zoey or even Zoey Jr., no - she names them Chloe and Joey. So… she's STILL missing Zoey!!

It’s been more than a year since purchasing “replacements” Chloe and Joey, and STILL she cries for Zoey! Sometimes it's a rough night with the tears streaming and other nights it's just that quiet, lone tear trickling down her cheek. Just this week she made another one of her “Missing” posters. “Have you seen Zoey?” and “Please come home Zoey, I miss you”. How pathetic is this, I ask you?

Okay. Plan B!

Yesterday, I went to Hobby Lobby – by myself this time, and more than TWO years since purchasing the first Zoey. And, you guessed it, there is ONE more Zoey in the whole dang store. Is this a sign?? So now, I’m going to lug this pup around - secretly, wearing it out and washing and drying it only to dirty it again (how long is this going to take?). Then, I’ll place this pup in that crack between the washer and dryer, so that eventually she’ll miraculously (or... well, maybe somewhat orchestrated by yours truly) be reunited with her long lost Zoey. Ta daaaa!

Pray for me.

Drew and the original, one and only, Zoey!

My letter to my boys

I raised you 

according to my high expectations of you. 

I’m proud of you 

because you have become a respectful 

and independent young man 

(because of me & in spite of me). 

I know it frustrates you 

when I continue to parent you, 

but I do so 

because I’ve enjoyed parenting you 

(good times & bad), 

and because 

I love you 

(even when you thought I didn’t).

I hope, 

in your heart, 

you know how much I love you 

and I hope it makes you feel good 

knowing that I raised you 

like a hard-ass 

because I knew your potential 

and expected nothing less. 

We’ve both made mistakes, 

but I am happy 

that we can 

forgive each other. 

~with all my love ♥

P.O.L.

When you feel completely resolved that your relationship is over,
and then,
something happens,
and its not over.

But nothing has changed.
The problem has not been resolved.
The finances have not improved.
Nothing has been worked out.
Nothing new.
Except that,
you both have decided
its not over,
and you have this rush of relief
come over you, and,
even though the problem is still there,
you are okay now
because the relationship is too.

That rush, that relief - is that one small piece of evidence, or POL (proof of love)? Is it one way that love shows itself? There will always be problems. There will always be financial difficulties. But when you wake up each day and you're still together - isn't it that consistency that creates a sense of stability that trust manifests from? And that is how love shows its face. It's the "for worse" in " for better or for worse". And one day you look at the life of your relationship and you say, "wow, look at everything we've been through."

Well, evidently, for me, it is not worth posting if I have no photo to share with it.  We'll try a little music instead.



So I've been in sort of a funk lately.  I'm neglecting my photography.  I'm neglecting my house cleaning.  I'm neglecting me.  I'm gaining weight, and I feel like shit.  I know what I want to do, I simply have to put the self-discipline behind it.  So, I am documenting here, now, some steps I plan to take in my effort to get myself where I'd like to be emotionally and physically.  And hopefully, by declaring it here in black and white, it will help me to commit to them.

1. Meditate daily for at least 15 minutes.
2. Run/walk for a minimum of 30 minutes, 5 days a week.
3. Declutter the home and re-decorate.
4. Pick a book and read it.
5. Complete at least one major art project every 3 months.

hair envy

I love her hair.  More than that though, I want it! The big messy golden curls - awesomeness.