I am so completely emotionally and physically exhausted. My hope is to blog this and then be done with it. Put it all behind me and not worry about it again. I don't know if it will work.
Friday, February 22, 2013: I worked today. Mom has gone to M.D. Anderson with my aunt for pre-op tests. I'd forgotten and tried to call her to no avail. When there is no answer on the second try, I begin to worry about all the crazy what-ifs (I'm like my mother this way). Finally, about the fifth try, she answers. She's always so apologetic to find out that she's worried me. It's my own fault. I'm certain she has informed me and I'd just forgotten. Initially, I was trying to call her to tell her about Candice's wreck (I thought the insurance may have her telephone number in their records and try to reach Aaron by way of her phone); I decided to wait until she was home to tell her because I didn't want her to worry while on the road. I left work about 3:00-3:30 and went to eat with Roy at Grandy's restaurant. As we pulled up to the restaurant, mom calls to remind me to pick up her mail. I'd forgotten but act like I hadn't (anyhow, I'd had an alarm on my cellphone to remind me at 4:45). We eat and then I drop off Roy and run to the post office. Later, I arrive at mom's with her mail. I sit down at the table as I did when mom was there to sort it out, match the receipts with her credit card bills, and arrange personal bills for Erica to pay. Mom has been training me for managing the apartments and other various "work" to do for her while she's in the hospital or after she's "gone". I don't like the thought, but I know this needs to be done so that we are not clueless when the time comes to handle these matters. It's easier to train when I know that "it" is not imminent. With the recurrence of this cancer though, I worry that "it" is closer than what we can deal with. I finish these "chores" and mom and I sit to visit and relax. She goes through each of the surgical procedures. She has been told that this is the first time the doctors at M.D. Anderson have performed this number of procedures during one sitting. Mom says referring to my sisters, "(they) don't understand, this is like a wedding in a way, not a good way though - but this is about me." I agree. We hold hands for a bit and she says, "you have to be my strength, okay." I assure her. Aware that I am worried that Brenda and Erica may want to leave the hospital earlier than I'd like, mom informs me that my Aunt Jeanette (her sister) and husband have offered to provide my transportation home should I stay longer than Brenda and Erica would like. This is a relief for me - no reason to feel rushed now. I have officially asked off of work for Monday through Wednesday, but I can extend this without issue ("my guys" (bosses) are understanding and generous this way). Mom says, "You know, Brenda is wanting to go shopping while I'm in surgery." Wow! I knew this because Erica had already told me, but I was surprised to find out that she'd told mom too. I respond, "I know, Erica told me, but Erica and I are both up there for you and we want to sit in the hospital the entire time so that we can get updates on your status right away." Erica had called the day before, informing me about Brenda's shopping intentions and how uncomfortable she was telling Brenda "no".
This scenario is almost identical to the one that played out for the last trip to M.D. Anderson only a week ago. Erica had called me in the days before leaving for the hospital, nervously notifying me that Brenda had wanted to drop mom off at the hotel, leaving her there, while we went out to eat with Kaitlyn. Erica and I both did not care for the idea. Not because we didn't want to see Kaitlyn - that would be great! But because we didn't want to leave mom alone. The whole reason for the trip is to give mom support and Brenda was clearly not interested in this. Erica states that Brenda was not worried about leaving mom alone because, "she's a big girl, she can take care of herself."
Eventually, as it turned out, the opportunity presented itself for Erica to address the issue with Brenda again and, having thought out her words ahead of time, the conversation went as smoothly as it could and Brenda was informed that we would not be leaving the hospital to shop while mom was in surgery.
This scenario is almost identical to the one that played out for the last trip to M.D. Anderson only a week ago. Erica had called me in the days before leaving for the hospital, nervously notifying me that Brenda had wanted to drop mom off at the hotel, leaving her there, while we went out to eat with Kaitlyn. Erica and I both did not care for the idea. Not because we didn't want to see Kaitlyn - that would be great! But because we didn't want to leave mom alone. The whole reason for the trip is to give mom support and Brenda was clearly not interested in this. Erica states that Brenda was not worried about leaving mom alone because, "she's a big girl, she can take care of herself."
Eventually, as it turned out, the opportunity presented itself for Erica to address the issue with Brenda again and, having thought out her words ahead of time, the conversation went as smoothly as it could and Brenda was informed that we would not be leaving the hospital to shop while mom was in surgery.
Sunday, February 24, 2013: Mom and Aunt Carolyn head for Houston as mom has more pre-op testing Monday morning.
Monday, February 25, 2013: Brenda, Erica, and I meet at Erica's house. Brenda announces that we need to hurry so that we can pick up Kaitlyn and go eat. This is news to me. I didn't dress to run around town. I didn't dress to go out to eat. And Roy and I had just eaten, so I was not hungry at all. It really should not have surprised me. Brenda tried to pull this the last time. As I'm surprised by these plans and don't have the words to address it, I refrain from saying anything. I'm a little torn by it. On the one hand, I would hate to go to a town where my daughter was living and miss an opportunity to see her; and on the other hand, I believe if it were me and Drew, that Drew would likely sit at the hospital with me when she had the opportunity and we would eat there together. 
We head for Houston about 5:30p. Once there, Brenda heads straight for Kaitlyn and we get to see her dorm and then head for a restaurant called Chipolte's. As this was an unexpected dinner and I had already eaten, I get only a drink and Erica surprises me by buying it for me. Kaitlyn is such a beautiful person both inside and out and it's a nice visit.
After dropping Kaitlyn back at her dorm, Aunt Carolyn calls Erica to let us know that mom is at the emergency room. Mom had been drinking the magnesium sulfate to clean her bowls prior to surgery and began bleeding profusely. She states that it appears mom will remain in the hospital overnight and then go straight into surgery in the morn. She further states that mom wants me to stay with her in the hospital overnight, as opposed to my Aunt Carolyn. My Aunt Carolyn has done so much for her sister during this time, running her back and forth to the hospital and staying with her before and after surgery. It's exhausting on both of them and occasionally they bump heads (understandably). I am happy to stay with mom but Brenda seems to be upset by this and begins her ramble, "Why!?" she demands, huffing about how unnecessary it is. She is obviously taking it personally and completely offended (again), but Erica sends me a text; she is secretly relieved as she is worried that Brenda may cause them to be late to the hospital and consequently, miss mom before going into surgery.
After dropping Kaitlyn back at her dorm, Aunt Carolyn calls Erica to let us know that mom is at the emergency room. Mom had been drinking the magnesium sulfate to clean her bowls prior to surgery and began bleeding profusely. She states that it appears mom will remain in the hospital overnight and then go straight into surgery in the morn. She further states that mom wants me to stay with her in the hospital overnight, as opposed to my Aunt Carolyn. My Aunt Carolyn has done so much for her sister during this time, running her back and forth to the hospital and staying with her before and after surgery. It's exhausting on both of them and occasionally they bump heads (understandably). I am happy to stay with mom but Brenda seems to be upset by this and begins her ramble, "Why!?" she demands, huffing about how unnecessary it is. She is obviously taking it personally and completely offended (again), but Erica sends me a text; she is secretly relieved as she is worried that Brenda may cause them to be late to the hospital and consequently, miss mom before going into surgery.
At the hospital, Brenda must stay in the car as there does not seem to be parking nearby. Erica and I go in and find mom. She is doing fine and watching HGtv. We talk for a bit. Erica leaves. Aunt Carolyn leaves. I sit next to mom and she turns to tell me, "They plan to open me up, look at the lymph nodes in her upper body, and if there is cancer in them, they will simply close me up and not doing anything further." She tears up and I quickly grab her hand and reassure her that they will not find anything in them. (Obviously, I am simply trying to stay positive, but I'm worried too. There is no time to process this information and dwell on it now.) She goes on, "Dr. Burke doesn't think he will find anything either..." (Dr. Thomas Burke, M.D is the Executive Vice President of M.D. Anderson and Physician-in-Chief - he is, uh, kinda important to say the least, with an impressive background and very kind, we are all very happy and blessed to have him as mom's physician.) And now ironically, here we are looking forward to the ostomy pouches. If she wakes to bags, she will know it is not the worse case scenario. About 12:05a, mom is moved to a room (P319) and the magnesium sulfate is doing it's job - and how! The room is reeking and I'm trying not to act bothered by the smell and mentally remind myself that my entire family has stunk up the house pretty good in the past too. I don't want to sleep unless mom is sleeping. Mom perches herself on the "throne" and I push a table in front of her with a pillow for her to lay her head and try to rest some. If we slept at all that night, it was for only minutes.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013: 4:30a, my alarm goes off and mom wants me text Erica and Brenda. She does not know how far they are from the hospital and how long they need to get there. Erica responds that it will take only 10 minutes to get to the hospital. I let her know that they should arrive by 6:00a. I send another text at 5:30a to remind them it's getting close. She responds that they are "up and getting ready." By 6:22a they arrive. Mom has been taken to a pre-op room to be prepared for surgery. I run out to the waiting area to get Brenda and Erica who are sitting with Aunt Carolyn. My aunt asks if mom informed me about the lymph node issue and I affirm. I ask if she's told Brenda and Erica and she responds no; so I turn to them and let them know that they will open mom up and before they get started on anything, they will check mom's upper lymph nodes for cancer and, if there is cancer in them, they will simply close her up. I quickly follow with the assurance that the doctor has said that he doesn't believe there will be anything in them. Then I show them the way to mom. I'm in the waiting room with my aunt while they visit as there can only be two people in the room at a time. Erica says that mom cried on and off as she talked to the nurses. Erica goes on to say how quickly mom fell asleep after the anesthesia was administered; she also states that the doctor wanted to give mom an epidural but, afraid of the procedure, mom quickly dismisses it. The surgery is expected to take 10-14 hours to complete. Now we wait. We will receive updates on the surgery every two hours. We will sit and worry until we receive notice that they are proceeding with all of the intended surgeries (this includes removal of the rectum (I think it's medical term is proctectomy), removal of the bladder (I think it's also called a cycstectomy), removal of the uterus (also known as a hysterectomy), removal of three (Squamous Cell Carcinoma) cancer tumors, two stomas (the colostomy (for feces) and the ileostomy (for urine), removal of at least four lymph nodes (which they will inspect for cancer), and then grafting which may be the most sensitive of all the surgeries as it will complicate and extend the healing period if the skin does not take. They are taking a long piece of skin from the stomach area, along the incision area, twisting it around and feeding it through the incision, through her body, somehow out of the body behind the area of tumor removal and the wrapping it up towards the front to cover that area where her vagina and anus would have been. She will have nothing left of that area, it will simply be a smooth piece of skin grafted over the entire area.
Settled in the waiting area, we surprise Aunt Carolyn with the Kindle mom had bought for her as a thank-you gift for all she has done and I spend my time talking to her about how it works and going slowly through all the games and applications I had installed on it. She is surprised and excited with it. Erica and Brenda have brought stuff from work to keep them occupied. Brenda has her headphones on with music playing and she's singing along to them as if she has no care in the world - completely as ease (this kind of baffles me and kind of doesn't. This is how she is - I just don't get it). Erica tries to distract herself with work but is obviously counting the minutes until the next update.
About 10:30a, the first nurse comes out to say that mom has only recently gone in and surgery has barely begun. About 2 1/2 hours later, another nurse comes out to say that, "...Dr. Burke has completed his part and should come out soon to tell us more details." We didn't ask anything further - I suppose because we thought we'd wait for Dr. Burke. Ugh! What did she mean? We were all quite confused and stressed now. Was Dr. Burke finished and other doctors doing there part now? We knew that there were at least four teams in the room with her. Or, are they closing her up? Hours went by and no Dr. Burke. I was quite frustrated now, with the nurse for the confusion, and with myself for not getting more details from her. Approximately 2:30p, another nurse (I believe the anesthesiologist) comes out and lets us know that everything is going really well and expects that the surgery will be completed by about 4:00-ish. She doesn't have details as she doesn't want to incorrectly inform us on parts of the operation that she was not included in. She states that there is one team working on the "top" and another team working on the "bottom". At least now we know that they have continued doing everything intended which means no cancer in the upper lymph nodes. Finally able to relax a little, my aunt takes me to another floor where there is an empty visiting room with couches to lay on. I set my alarm for one hour as I don't want to miss the next update - then conk out.
Shortly after arriving back in the waiting room, the reconstructive surgeon comes out to let us know that everything went well. She will not be allowed to sit in an upright position until she is healed and the grafting has taken. He expects it to be another 45 minutes until we can visit her. About 1 1/2 hours later, Dr. Burke comes out to say that everything went really, really well. He reiterates all the procedures that were performed and reassures us that there is nothing left for the cancer to come back on and for this reason, he did not opt for any radiation. He went on to say the x-rays showed the upper lymph nodes were likely just damaged from previous radiation treatments and didn't feel it was anything to worry about (it seemed that he decided not to look at them at all). All in all, things went well and it's time for healing. He states that, when the time comes, if she can not be transported in my aunts vehicle to the nursing home, the hospital will provide transportation. He states that it should be another 45 minutes until she can be seen. We wait.
Finally in ICU, we visit mom. Her skin is pale and she is still very, very groggy; I doubt she'll remember our visit at all.
*
It's late. My eyes are hurting from headache and lack of sleep. Earlier, I had check my blood pressure at a station there in the hospital - 165/111 (Stage 3 hypertension - I should have brought my meds). Brenda and Erica inform me that they got a hotel room for the night (compliments of mom) and we headed that way leaving my aunt to stay in the hospital again. We offered our shower to her but she declined saying she would wait until mom was in a room. The hotel was a rinky-dink disgusting place. What were they thinking? Erica gags on the way to the room stating that I smell like mom and announces that she will be sleeping with Brenda because of my smell and snoring. I head straight for the bath and soak for a long while trying to de-stress, then shower and get ready for bed. I'll crash as soon as my head hits the pillow.
As they are both sitting on the bed by the window I plop on the other. Brenda heads for the shower and alone with Erica now, she informs me that Brenda cried last night as she talked about her issues with mom. Erica was obviously feeling sympathetic for Brenda, but in my mind I roll my eyes. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted at this point, but I'm tired too, of Brenda's crybaby bullshit as if she were abused all her life.
Out loud I say, "Well, I feel sorry for mom. She's getting older and even though this surgery went really well and she's survived another cancer scare, her days are still numbered. She could live another 10-20 years or whatever, but regardless of how long, she would love to spend more time with her daughters and grandchildren."
I go on to say that she knows how she (Erica) and Brenda feel about her. That you (Erica) are grossed out by her and Brenda is happier when she's not around her, but she knows ya'll love her, but she still has down times too.
Erica responds with, "I'm not grossed out by her, I just have a weak stomach."
As they are both sitting on the bed by the window I plop on the other. Brenda heads for the shower and alone with Erica now, she informs me that Brenda cried last night as she talked about her issues with mom. Erica was obviously feeling sympathetic for Brenda, but in my mind I roll my eyes. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted at this point, but I'm tired too, of Brenda's crybaby bullshit as if she were abused all her life.
Out loud I say, "Well, I feel sorry for mom. She's getting older and even though this surgery went really well and she's survived another cancer scare, her days are still numbered. She could live another 10-20 years or whatever, but regardless of how long, she would love to spend more time with her daughters and grandchildren."
I go on to say that she knows how she (Erica) and Brenda feel about her. That you (Erica) are grossed out by her and Brenda is happier when she's not around her, but she knows ya'll love her, but she still has down times too.
Erica responds with, "I'm not grossed out by her, I just have a weak stomach."
"Well" I smile, trying to say this nicely, "Tomayto - Tomahto, right."
"Don't get me wrong though, I get it Erica. I was there too! Right along with you! I remember sitting behind her in the car and she was scratching her head and I just wanted to move to another seat, but it's easier for me as she gets older."
"See. It's harder for me the older she gets. Do you think she knows? Cause I don't think she knows" Erica says.
"Sure she knows Erica, but you know, she knows ya'll love her. She does. It's just mood swings. Ups and downs. But she wants to spend more time with everyone and I feel bad for her."
Brenda enters the room walking up to the bed as if to get in my face, hands on her hips, and her face is obviously pissy already, "Who do you feel sorry for?" she demands.
Now this is where things get way to dramatic and I'll try to include everything I can recall to remain as factual as possible, but we were all pretty emotional and I can't remember every word for word.
Now this is where things get way to dramatic and I'll try to include everything I can recall to remain as factual as possible, but we were all pretty emotional and I can't remember every word for word.
As I'm responding to Brenda, Erica jumps up to run to the shower. (Chicken shit, I think to myself.)
"Well, I was telling Erica that I feel bad for mom. She wants to spend more time with her daughters and grandchildren. Her days are numbered and I would hate for there to be any regrets."
"Well, I was telling Erica that I feel bad for mom. She wants to spend more time with her daughters and grandchildren. Her days are numbered and I would hate for there to be any regrets."
Brenda goes in to some storm now, "Well what about me! What about how she's treated me!? The telephone goes both ways! And she's never asked me to do anything!"
"Now Brenda, you've been busy with Kaitlyn and her volleyball. No one is faulting you for that. But why would she impose on you when you have been so busy? Besides, it takes two to tango and the only person you can control is..."
"Myself!" Brenda finishes. "I know!" She continues stomping around and adamantly insisting that mom has treated her like shit and that she (Brenda) is fine with the relationship and obviously has no intention of working on anything! Plopping herself on the bed by the window.
I get it. She is not open to this conversation, and that's final; so, I shut the fuck up. Leaning back on the bed, I entertain myself with my phone. I just want a relaxed sleep. Brenda says, "Is that where you're sleeping?"
"Well, ya'll were both sitting on the other bed, so I assumed this one was mine."
"No. That one is ours. But I can move all of my stuff, no big deal." There is nothing on the bed so I glance over to the desk where she and Erica placed their personals. I assume now the desk must go with this bed and jump off to give way.
Erica finishes her shower. All of us sitting on the beds with our electronics. Erica finally turns her phone off and lays down. I follow. We talk a moment about the morning alarm time and I turn off the light. Brenda continues to do her thing on her tablet. I roll over and enjoy my own bed. This isn't so bad. I stretch out and relax.
A short while later, Brenda is sniffing. Allergies? Her sniffing is more and more frequent and I'm not going to get any sleep if she is, in fact, crying. I'll try to make this better. Still uncertain if she is actually crying, I walk around to face her and ask if she is sniffing. Obviously still frustrated she half-asks/half-demands, "What! I can't sniff now?!" I sit down next to her and say, "Of course you can sniff. I just thought you might be crying."
"Yes I'm crying! I can't cry!?"
"I lay over her to hug her and tell her I love her followed by saying, "...but if you're waiting for mom to change..."
"No! I'm not waiting for her to change! She's not!" she screams.
I sit up, "No she's not Brenda. But you've gotta move on. Get over it. Don't let this shit eat at you." She sits up and announces that she doesn't give a shit about that, but she felt like I was attacking her. "How was I attacking you Brenda? What did I say?" She says nothing. I go over the initial conversation with her and how she had stomped over to the bed with a chip on her shoulder. She exclaims that she had no chip on her shoulder. She's angry and I'm exhausted. So, I concede, "Fine. I'll go to bed and just leave it. I don't give a fuck."
I can't remember everything word for word, but at some point she admits that she had responded angrily to my initial conversation. I tell her it doesn't matter and that I love her. Hopefully, this is the end of it and I return to bed.
It's not. She's still crying.
One last try to smooth things over for sleep. I attempt a pillow fight, flinging one in her direction and saying, "stop crying Brenda." She doesn't. I fling another. Still no words, just sniffing. I jump on their bed, climbing over them, trying to laugh and make light of things, "ya'll have my pillows." She sits up and again announces that I was attacking her from the start. Ugh. Erica jumps over to my bed now. Noooo. Erica had been rubbing Brenda's back to comfort her, and somehow Brenda talks me into the same. I joke about it, "this is not exactly what I had in mind. Erica come back over here."
Erica responds, "Ya'll need to sit there until you make up."
I continue to joke about not wanting to rub Brenda's back, "you've got such a small back. Your shoulder's are so narrow, mine are broad."
"I know! I'm so jealous because now she's the little sister" Erica jokes.
"Nah. She deserves it." I respond.
Erica responds, "Ya'll need to sit there until you make up."
I continue to joke about not wanting to rub Brenda's back, "you've got such a small back. Your shoulder's are so narrow, mine are broad."
"I know! I'm so jealous because now she's the little sister" Erica jokes.
"Nah. She deserves it." I respond.
Brenda goes from seeming comfort to crying again, "What do you want Karen! What am I supposed to do?!" I don't know what the fuck she's talking about now but I'm getting seriously exhausted with it, "I don't know Brenda. Stop being so pissy every time you get around mom!"
"I'm not pissy! I'm not good enough for her! I've never been good enough for her! She didn't even know the color of my eyes! And after I showed them to her, they still weren't good enough for her!"
Oh my gawd this is ridiculous, so I say, "Brenda you've taken a small thing that she said and blown it up into something it's not! Mom loves you! She would never intentionally hurt you! No one can say shit around you because we're all afraid to piss you off!"
"Oh really! Since when!?" she demands.
"Since forever Brenda! It's always been like that - until now!"
I think I went on about how mom is who she is, she's not going to change, you'll never get an apology, but your 48 years old - get over it. By now, I'm screaming and crying, "I'm tired of it! I'm tired of both of you going around acting like you've been so victimized by mom! She wasn't perfect. She's pissed us all of before! She's taken us all right to the edge! But she was still a good mother! And she loves both of you! And you were not abused! I've had fights with mom that would put both of ya'lls fights with her to shame! But ya get over it! You move on! Because we're family and that's what we do! Erica has hurt me in the past! And I never got an apology! But ya move on! And I'm allowed to say this! I'm allowed to say what I want too! Ugh!" I plopped into my new sleeping space as it's obvious Erica is now firmly occupying mine.
This is bullshit! I'm exhausted and I am not in any mood to put up with their crybaby shit. They have become quite bonded because of their (imagined) mutual victimization by their mom - but it's all bullshit. They are just as much as fault for their relationship with mom, as mom is. As a matter of fact, they are probably more at fault for it because if anyone rejected anyone over the years, then it was them rejecting mom over and over again (to this day)! They pushed mom away all the time. Neither of them ever were much for cuddling with mom, and mom just made excuses for them (despite begin rejected by both of them). I remember going shopping for school clothes with mom and Erica. Mom would offer to purchase this or buy that - and Erica would refuse outfit after outfit (even those that Erica truly loved). We would end up going home, me with bags and bags of clothes, and Erica not so much - but that was her own fault. Brenda was always permitted to bring friends along for reunions and family vacations so that she could have someone to entertain her while Erica and I played together. Just one example of how mom tried to make allowances for Brenda. But, I suppose that shit doesn't count to them. They are too busy holding on to bullshit that has been manipulated in their own mind so that they can cry "foul!"
Well, now I've brought Erica into this whole shebang and she's offended too. She points out that this was the first year she had distanced herself from mom, and that in previous years she had talked to mom pretty much everyday on the phone. This is true. They have always talked on the phone. They've talked on the phone a lot actually, pretty much almost every day throughout the past years. I can't remember how I responded, whether I concurred or whether I was distracted by another conversation.
I think I went on about how mom is who she is, she's not going to change, you'll never get an apology, but your 48 years old - get over it. By now, I'm screaming and crying, "I'm tired of it! I'm tired of both of you going around acting like you've been so victimized by mom! She wasn't perfect. She's pissed us all of before! She's taken us all right to the edge! But she was still a good mother! And she loves both of you! And you were not abused! I've had fights with mom that would put both of ya'lls fights with her to shame! But ya get over it! You move on! Because we're family and that's what we do! Erica has hurt me in the past! And I never got an apology! But ya move on! And I'm allowed to say this! I'm allowed to say what I want too! Ugh!" I plopped into my new sleeping space as it's obvious Erica is now firmly occupying mine.
This is bullshit! I'm exhausted and I am not in any mood to put up with their crybaby shit. They have become quite bonded because of their (imagined) mutual victimization by their mom - but it's all bullshit. They are just as much as fault for their relationship with mom, as mom is. As a matter of fact, they are probably more at fault for it because if anyone rejected anyone over the years, then it was them rejecting mom over and over again (to this day)! They pushed mom away all the time. Neither of them ever were much for cuddling with mom, and mom just made excuses for them (despite begin rejected by both of them). I remember going shopping for school clothes with mom and Erica. Mom would offer to purchase this or buy that - and Erica would refuse outfit after outfit (even those that Erica truly loved). We would end up going home, me with bags and bags of clothes, and Erica not so much - but that was her own fault. Brenda was always permitted to bring friends along for reunions and family vacations so that she could have someone to entertain her while Erica and I played together. Just one example of how mom tried to make allowances for Brenda. But, I suppose that shit doesn't count to them. They are too busy holding on to bullshit that has been manipulated in their own mind so that they can cry "foul!"
Well, now I've brought Erica into this whole shebang and she's offended too. She points out that this was the first year she had distanced herself from mom, and that in previous years she had talked to mom pretty much everyday on the phone. This is true. They have always talked on the phone. They've talked on the phone a lot actually, pretty much almost every day throughout the past years. I can't remember how I responded, whether I concurred or whether I was distracted by another conversation.
Then Erica calmly asks, "What did I do to you Karen?"
"It doesn't matter Erica. The pain is there when I relive it, but I have no animosity towards you any more. It's over."
"What did I do?"
"I don't want to talk about it Erica. It's over. I'm just saying, I never got an apology and still we forgive each other. We get over it. We forgive and move on because we're family. It's done." I'm trying to make the point that we are family, we get over shit. We let it go, whether we get a formal apology or not.
"I'll tell you when our relationship went south" she says.
"Hmm, that would likely be elementary?" I'm remembering her always being very jealous of me. I was actually a very insecure child, but I tried to act with confidence. I enjoyed playing with Erica - she made me feel good and I enjoyed her company. But it backfired, any confidence I may have appeared to have, only seemed to make her feel that much more insecure. And she was jealous of my relationship with mom and dad. I would climb on their laps and rock. She wouldn't - but she was still jealous.
Evidently not where she was going, confused now she says, "what? because I quit playing Barbie's with you and started watching soap operas?"
"What are you talking about?" I'm confused now too.
She explains, "Our relationship went south in high school because you were hanging out with people that I didn't like, so we quit hanging out."
"You quit hanging out with me, you mean." Another painful scenario.
Brenda says, "You two sound like teenagers now."
"I didn't want to hang around the people you were hanging around."
"Okay" I say shortly, trying to end it. I'm done - spent! I am so seriously exhausted. I don't get what she's talking about now. In high school we both smoked pot for a while. When it was discovered that I was having an allergic reaction to it, I admitted it to mom. Consequently, mom shortened the maternal apron strings - a lot. I ratted out the names of people Erica was hanging with that smoked pot too. Erica was really angry at me for it too. Ever since, our relationship had gone down hill. I was dating Trey and hung with a bunch of "kickers" after that. She hung with a crowd that was much more, uh, "experienced" and seemed to party a lot. She didn't want to hang with me and it had nothing to do with the people I was hanging around. It had to do with - me. I was hurt by her rejection, but what can you do?
I lay there in the dark playing a no-nonsense game (Bejeweled). Brenda was trying to converse about it with me as if she'd never seen the game before, but I suspect she was simply trying to lighten the mood (too late). Erica was trying to talk to me and I tried to joke (dryly) with her by telling her that she had made me lose the game. Brenda chuckled, but Erica was in no mood to joke now. She rolled over and began crying. Here we go again. Earlier, I had tried to make things better with Brenda - I couldn't just ignore Erica now. So, I did the same.
I jumped on top of her and hugged her and told her to stop crying. But her tone was different, and with a very distinctly firm voice, and putting emphasis on each word, she demands, "Get - off - of - me."
I get it and quickly jump off.
Laying there playing the game again, I'm still crying. I don't think I'd ever stopped during this entire time, but my eyes are killing me and if my blood pressure earlier today was 165/111, then I am seriously worried about what it might be now.
Brenda whispers, "I can't stand hearing her cry. Go do something."
I respond firmly, "I already tried. She made it clear that she is tired of tonight's drama. If you are worried about her then you go do something."
She doesn't.
"Tomorrow we can all brush this under the rug too." I say.
"Karen!" Brenda says as if I've crossed the line somehow by saying so.
Whatever. I'm spent.
I put the game away and lay there trying to talk myself into peace. Counting my breaths as if in meditation. Brenda rolls over. Every now and then I feel myself drift off to sleep only to jerk awake again. I really don't want to snore right now.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013: Erica's alarm goes off and I pretend to sleep through it. I'm not ready to get up. I haven't slept long, and I haven't slept well. My head is killing me and I'm certain my blood pressure is still outrageous. Erica gets up and begins getting ready. Brenda follows. I can hear them chatting as if nothing ever happened. Typical. I rise slowly and stretch it out in a downward dog yoga pose.
Brenda sings happily, "Good morning sunshiiiine!" Happy as a lark, she goes in for a hug. I'm seriously not in the mood but accept. She says something like, "We were all just sleepy last night. Don't worry about it. I love you." But I'm calling bullshit. Yes, we were all sleepy and it was certainly not the best timing for all the blathering, but I still stand by everything I said. Was it better left unsaid? Maybe. I don't know. But I don't think I was attacking them, I was simply stating my sympathies for mom, and everything I said was factual. Why can't they accept facts without getting offended? But then again, they never have been very receptive to Karen speaking what Karen feels.
I spent the day following behind them as they chit-chat happily with each other, politely speaking to me only when necessary. I'm still exhausted so I do not initiate any conversation with them either. I think they were both completely self-centered last night, I am in no mood for them.
In recovery, mom's color is returning so much so that I thought at first she was wearing make-up on her rosy cheeks. Entering into mom's room, they both respond to her overly attentively. It's actually quite comical at first. Erica jumps at the first opportunity to sponge mom's mouth with water, but mom chokes and Erica reverts nervously. A monitor beeps loudly in response to mom's sleep apnea, and Brenda jumps at the opportunity to yell out for mom to breath ev-er-y sing-le time that damn thing beeped, and even though it is apparent that mom was, in fact, breathing, she screamed as if mom were deaf, "breath mom - breathe."
A man enters to give mom a breathing treatment for her asthma and, again, Brenda goes on and on and on, "breathe deep mom - goooood guuurl - good girl", "another deep breath - good girl". Ugh. She is not a child - she is your mother. But I suppose this is her way of trying to make an effort to be nice to mom, and although it doesn't seem very genuine - fake it until you make it true, right. So, whatever.
As Erica is now nervous to give mom the water for her dry mouth, I now have the task. I'm not speaking much, but mom opens her eyes. She sees me and knows I'm there. I smile, and she smiles back and mouths, "I love you." I say, "I love you too." It's not necessary for me to go overboard - mom knows.
At one point, as I moisten mom's mouth, she asks me a question. Confused about her words I look up at Erica to see if she understood. She responds, "did you get the shampoo?"
A man enters to give mom a breathing treatment for her asthma and, again, Brenda goes on and on and on, "breathe deep mom - goooood guuurl - good girl", "another deep breath - good girl". Ugh. She is not a child - she is your mother. But I suppose this is her way of trying to make an effort to be nice to mom, and although it doesn't seem very genuine - fake it until you make it true, right. So, whatever.
As Erica is now nervous to give mom the water for her dry mouth, I now have the task. I'm not speaking much, but mom opens her eyes. She sees me and knows I'm there. I smile, and she smiles back and mouths, "I love you." I say, "I love you too." It's not necessary for me to go overboard - mom knows.
At one point, as I moisten mom's mouth, she asks me a question. Confused about her words I look up at Erica to see if she understood. She responds, "did you get the shampoo?"
Still confused I respond to mom, "Yeah, uh I got it" and shrug.
Mom asks, "Where is it?"
I look at Erica again for help in responding. Erica says, "it's in the shower."
I copy her, "it's in the shower mom."
"Okay" mom says.
I laugh quietly and look at Erica who turns her head away as she uncontrollably chuckles too.
At lunch, Brenda, Erica, and I go down to the cafeteria. Maybe we'll talk. Fix things. Maybe, now that we've slept this is our opportunity to calmly apologize to each other. I'm not hungry so I get a drink and sit. They bring their trays and eat as they chat with each other. It's all very unnatural and there are no apologies. We go back to the room to give Aunt Carolyn another break. After she returns, Brenda and Erica want to walk around the hospital and ask me if I'd like to go. I decline. I just need a break from them now and besides, this will give them an opportunity to chat it up about me (the villain, haha).
I use this time to figure out whether I'll go home with them or stay at the hospital. I'm worried about the kids. I'd like to go home and check on them but, I want to stay with mom too. I talk with Aunt Carolyn a while about mom, homeschooling, and granny. I know from mom that Aunt Carolyn enjoys being in control and I don't think she cares to share the job much; maybe she needs a break from us too. I'll go.
I moisten mom's mouth again and she reminds me to "get a receipt."
I look at Aunt Carolyn and laugh, "okay mom. I'll get a receipt. I'll always get a receipt, don't worry."
"Okay" mom says.
I moisten mom's mouth again and she reminds me to "get a receipt."
I look at Aunt Carolyn and laugh, "okay mom. I'll get a receipt. I'll always get a receipt, don't worry."
"Okay" mom says.
On the ride home, I sit in the back of the car and fall asleep for about an hour. I hope I didn't snore. I'm guessing when I get home that as I get my stuff from the back of the car, Brenda will likely get out for a hug (that I didn't really want right now), and Erica will likely stay in the car (shunning me again - she's good at that. I wonder if this will last another 6 years again. Whatever. Her idea of a good relationship with me is one wherein I do not have any personal opinions to express which may oppose her own.)
We pull up to the house and it all goes down just as I had expected. I rush inside and Drew meets me at the door with a small card that she's made for me. Can you spell "relief"? Everything melts away as she hugs me over and over and over again, saying how much she missed me and loves me. I make sure she understands how perfect the card is and how wonderful it made me feel.
She responds, "When I was making it, I knew you'd like it, but I didn't know you were going to like it that much."
I reiterate that I'd had such a long, stressful time away that her card worked like magic!
Home sweet home.
I'm still thinking of mom. I need to see her again and soon. They expect to get her walking around tomorrow. I suggest to Roy that I'd really like to go see mom again this weekend, and maybe he and I, or all of us with kids in tow, can run up just for the day to check in on her real quick. He thinks it's a good idea. Maybe even Aaron and Candice can go! She would be so surprised and I think she'd like it okay as long as she's feeling up to it. I'll call her first.
