Date with my Babes

Me, Wolfie, and Drew went to pester our hunny, Candice, at her employment.  We ordered some yummy cups of fruit and just relaxed and talked.

Drew couldn't take a bad picture even if she wanted to.

Wolfie is so adorable in my sunglasses. We HAD to take picts.

lazy Sunday...

Sunday!! It's Kardashian day!! (Yes, I'm a fan...)

Today, Roy and I dropped off our laptops for estimates. Turns out, mine needs a new motherboard ($250), and Roy's simply needs a new charger.  I also, purchased two charge plugs last week for Drew's Lenova tablet as well as called the manufacturer on Wolfie's Blackberry tablet.  The Blackberry has been a pain in the butt since day one as it has always had problems charging.  Ultimately, we are sending it in to the manufacturer for repair. In the meantime, we are limping along. 

I got my Sam's card today compliments of Paige and the browsed around.  I'd forgotten something of the yummy groceries you can find there.  Getting bored with the dinners lately, we may be frequenting the store again in search of something new.  I purchased an applewood flavoured porkloin and it was so tasty - with no leftovers. 

Bathing baby girl tonight, her hair has gotten so long, we discussed cutting it eventually and donating to Locks of Love. I explained to her what the program means and she's excited about helping someone.

Spent the evening laying in bed, watching my Kardashian girls and reading blogs.  Lazy is nice.

cest la vie

Today, I am resolved to living together in somewhat harmony with all these (adult) kiddos... 

I asked Roy at lunch today, "a year from now, will I still be bitching about these kids living with us, but never saying anything to them about moving out?" He affirmed...  *sigh*

I just love them - well, especially when they're sweet... but it doesn't take much.  For example, I was walking down the hallway last night, half asleep, and stumbled falling against the wall clumsily. Jr was walking towards me at the time and simply said, "whoa" and reached out to steady me.  (I grin.)  That's it. That's all it took and my heart melts and then, he can stay as long as he likes.  And then, today, I asked Aaron for his part of the phone money (which he is, once again, late with), and he responded with a sort of surprise and urgency, "oh! I forgot! I'll go get it now!"  That's it.  That's all it took was an act of sweet consideration, and he too can stay as long as he likes.  (I grin again.) 

So, as I said, I am resolved to our living situation - for today.  Tomorrow though - we'll see what that holds.

Today was a cooking day!  I don't know why.  It's not usual that I go to work all day and then feel like coming home to cook and clean.  Family dined on Shake-n-Bake pork chops, Stove Top stuffing, macaroni and cheese, and sweet corn.  It was a lot of food and I was happy when there was nothing left to put away.

Squatters

We've had Jr home since December and all he's done is talk, talk, talk about what he might want to do, but he's not moving forward at all.  At first, we were very sympathetic because (a) he'd been through so much during his two tours (the first in Iraq and the second in Afghanistan), and he's had a lot to get his head wrapped around (poor baby, dealing with nightmares and the death of so many friends, as well as his own narrow escape of a bombing on his military base - he literally crawled out from under collapsed walls); and (b) he'd been going back and forth, struggling with his relationship with his girlfriend.  But now, things seem to be calming down for him so Roy and I, both, really feel it's time he make proactive steps forward toward his future.

Then we have Aaron.  Who had been doing absolutely wonderful.  He'd had a good job, making good money in the oil field.  A wonderful, healthy relationship with his girlfriend.  He not only attends church regularly, but he is a youth leader and very active within the church.  He's so tight with his money that he's built up a very nice "nest egg".  But, two weeks ago, he was laid-off.  Okay, well, that sort of comes with the field, and we understood when he wanted to just relax for a while as he was entertaining the idea of returning to college.  But it's been two weeks, and again, Roy and I both, feel it's time he get off his bootay - and off his computer games - and begin moving toward his future - independent of us.

The question I've been contemplating is - how does a parent "encourage" their adult male children to move out on their own without completely pissing them off at the same time? Honestly, I'm not exactly sure it can be done in my situation.

So, I turn to Google...

and I found these links! → eHow link and eHow link and Link and Link and Link and Link and Link

Options! I'm a big fan of recognizing and considering all of our options.  Everybody has options - no matter how destitute you feel, you always have options.

Option 1:  Let them stay as long as they please...... (I break out into uncontrollable laughter)

Option 2: Gentle (almost subliminal) nudges (which we are doing, but to date, have not gotten them any closer to moving out).

Option 3:  Completely and totally pissing them off to the point they leave and go wherever the wind takes them (and then we're all stressed out until it too blows over).

Option 4:  Make them completely uncomfortable.  (Move them out of their individual, private rooms, and into the living area or some other inconvenient space.)

Option 5:  Try some of the ideas on the links above.  (Something like, charging them rent and giving them a "goal" move-out date.... which I suspect, they would simply laugh in my face at the mere mention).

I feel bad - I love these guys and I don't want them feeling rejected or unwanted.  But, all of my life, my goal was to raise them to be strong, self-sufficient, honest, respectful, and independent.  I've seen grown children borrowing money over and over again from their (broke, retired, and aging) parents because these "adults" can't get there shit together.  The last thing I want to happen is for my sons to become moochers!  They are so much better than that!

And then the flip side - I have a friend who, along with her husband and three children, moved in with the parents and never left.  And, as it turns out, it works for them.  Maybe, we could add-on to our home and just live together, shoulder-to-shoulder, happily ever after (but they would help with the bills, of course).  If this is going to be the case, then it's just a matter of getting my head wrapped around the idea; but, honestly, I doubt this is the scenario the boys are shooting for.  So, what am I worried about?  I can barely take two weeks of waiting - much less another year or two more.

All I'm asking is for some semblance of effort to become independent (soon) - a plan, a job, a savings, a wedding date.....

because it's a no-drama zone

Corey came down, I assumed for Jr's birthday, but when I'd told him he could sign the birthday card, he seemed unaware of the occasion.  Either way, everything seemed to be going fine until last night.  I received a text from Candice stating she was pretty upset with Corey.  Evidently Candice had approached Aaron for a ride home and he gave sort of a dramatic sigh in response.  Aaron had been in the middle of one of his computer games and trying to pull him away from that is like trying to pull teeth.  Candice tells Aaron, “Nevermind, I’ll just take the car.”  That would have been the end, except Corey chimes in, “Uh, that was really messed up what she said Aaron.”  This upsets Candice (and I don’t blame her).  It was a conversation that didn’t involve Corey and he’s really got to learn that if he has nothing nice to say, then he shouldn't say anything at all.

Now, shall I remind you of all the drama Corey has created in the past with his lies?  I really feel that he has had his fair share drama at this point and I am on a zero-tolerance  level with him these days. 

While he was stationed in Afghanistan, he would come home on his R&R and he would say things and tell stories that were completely untrue.  He would walk around saying things without any concern for anyone else’s feelings and with sort of a ‘chip on his shoulder’ attitude.  Roy and I would say very little in response to his behavior as we didn’t want a big dramatic fight with him, only to put him back on a plane to Afghanistan.  Normally, a parent seizes the moment to teach a child how to behave appropriately, to be polite, respectful, honest but, when your child is stationed in a war zone and you don’t know whether or not you’ll ever see him alive again, the priority changes to just keep the peace. 

Corey has finished his tour now and my priority has shifted again.  Laying down the house rules again has been a long time coming, and what do ya know – the door has opened.

Another thing I should get clear, I am not looking to get into a situation between Aaron and Candice that is none of my business.  I have in the past, and Aaron and Candice have let me know that I do need to stay out of “it” and honestly, I agree.  Life is so much simpler that way too.  What I do want to do is inform Corey that there will be no more dramatics, lies, instigating fights in the house anymore.  I want him to remember, whether it’s faked or not, he needs to show respect to me and Roy in our home.

So, I go into the room where Corey and Aaron are playing on their computers and ask what happened.  I want to know their version of events before saying anything.  You know, get it clear before I go assuming one side of the story.  Corey turns in his chair to face me and tells me the exact same thing as Candice had said in her text.  Then, I ask Corey why he felt he should have gotten involved or said anything.  I believe this put him off guard and he turned back to his computer saying, "whatever".  I inform him that if the situation doesn't involve him, he needs to stay out of it.  I told him that in my home we are not going to tolerate (anymore) any disrespect or instigating fights or drama.  He responds by saying that I am the one starting shit and accusing me of not being open to any other scenario.  I remind him that I had entered the room asking for their side of the story first - but this doesn’t sway him.  He’s already got his back up and continues to accuse me of starting shit.  I again tell him that in my house he’s going to have to show respect and that I’m very sensitive to his drama and lies because of all of the problems in the past that he had caused (I am referring to his mother threatening to have her family, who is in the Mexican Mafia, do a “hit” on us because of the things Corey had told her – all of which were exaggerations and lies).  If she hadn’t had such a deep hatred for me for the past 15 years, and if she hadn’t had family in the Mexican Mafia (and a cousin currently in prison for murder), I likely would have taken this as a “mother bear” spouting empty threats - but the facts remain.

As the disrespect continued and tensions rise, I tell Corey if he’s not going to show respect to me in my home then he will have to leave, but if he can abide by the no-drama zone rules then he can stay.  He begins gathering his things.

I go to my room to tell Roy what is happening and try to relax, but I don’t want Corey to leave without giving this all I can; so I go back.  He’s headed for the door and I ask him, “does this mean you can’t show me respect?”  He responds that I am just trying to start shit again.  I tell him again that he can stay if he can show respect and not instigate fights.  He leaves.

*

Hence the texts below,

Me (8/5/2012 @ 1:01a):

“As I said Corey, you are welcome as long as you can be respectful and not instigate. 

But you were being disrespectful to me in my home - and you were extremely ugly to me and your dad about the car before leaving for Afghanistan too.

It was unnecessary the way you talked to us/me. You need to be able to talk without being disrespectful.

You need to acknowledge that you put your 2 cents in a conversation between Aaron and Candice that you should have stayed out of. Maybe you realize that now.

Your dad and I have walked on eggshells around you because we wanted to avoid a fight, but this is our home and we are not going to allow you to come here and start problems and be rude again.”

COREY (8/5/2012 @ 1:15a):

“Nah it's koo I got my own crib. Yeah lying to me about not driving my car then complaining because I wouldn't let y'all drive my car when im gone damn right I'm going to be disrespectful, I said one thing as a joke only think I realize is people cant take a joke. I don't give a flying fuck if it's your house or not a little something I learned growing up, treat others the way you want to be treated. U want to be  disrespectful then expect me to bite my tongue? Hah! Treated how u treated me and now you don't like it. Hahaha. Maybe ull think twice before u make stupid ass comments. Maybe u realize that now.”

ME (8/5/2012 @ 1:32a):

“Corey, you've got a lot of growing up to do..... I'm disappointed.

But I can't have you in the house until you can communicate with me in a respectful and honest way because you've caused a lot of problems with your lies. 

You'll be in my prayers.”

COREY (8/5/2012 @ 1:36a):

“Yep obviously growing up in your house isn't good enough it takes me getting out on my own to pick up the slack. Lmao with my Lies? Ahahaha I got nothing to lie about. Do yourself a favor a pray for yourself. You need it.”

*

So, I really feel the texts speak for themselves.  It's sad really because he obviously has not made it to that mindset or maturity where he can accept responsibility for his actions.  He's always played the "victim card" and he seems to enjoy the attention and sympathy he gets from it.  Personally, that's a weakness in my eyes - maybe because I have been there in my life too.  And just as I learned to take responsibility and experienced the negativity melt away, I don't believe that he will truly be free of the negative drama until he can take responsibility for it.  I don't know if he ever will.

one door closes - another opens

Rumor at the beginning of the week was the company Aaron works for was in lay-off mode.  Today, Aaron was informed he was one of the "unfortunate".  That being said the company states that business is simply slowing down and they had to let go of the last hires but would look for another position for him with the company.  That's nice.

Aaron, however, is doing wonderful.  He had been interested in leaving this company but had not followed through with it for fear of loosing the stability.

Forced into it now, he is embracing his hearts desire and is looking into college computer classes.  I am relieved and proud for him.  His attitude is to be admired.  And computer technology is right up his alley.  He'll do well no doubt.

God that kid makes me proud! ♥

Conquering Orlando!

Went in to the bank today at lunch and signed papers to dispute the Orlando charges.

The bank manager states that they've seen this a lot and mine looks typical - promises all monies in my bank account today!!

Very pleased. =)

Orlando's Invasion - part II

Well, I went in to the bank today during my lunch hour and spoke with a bank officer there who reassures me again that this will all get worked out and I will be taken care of.  This is day 3 and today I was given a new debt/credit card. 

I realize that I may never fully understand exactly how this was able to happen, but I am told that the perpetrator made his/her own card using my number.  My account with the bank, however, is secure and has not been hacked - it's more of a fake credit card scheme.

The charges on the account were all described as "pre-authorized" and this is how it appears on the online statement.  Once the transaction has "hard lined" or processed through the account, the description changes to show that the debit has been officially withdrawn from the account.  As I discovered this fraud the very next day of the occurrence, I was hoping that we would have stopped the transactions before they processed out of the account.  We didn't.

So now, my next step is to meet with our personal account manager and let her know that we are disputing those charges.  I am supposing it's at this step that my paperwork starts and I understand it may take 10 business days for the bank to credit my account.  The good news is the bank covered the two bills I had paid out of the account prior to this incident and they will refund any NSF charges I receive.

The bank officer also informed me that this is actually a common occurrence and she states it is often out of Orlando, Florida with charges that appear to be transferring money onto gift cards or store bought credit cards.  It is up to the credit card company to pursue criminal charges and I will likely never know the outcome of that.

Biting my Nails

I'm sitting up in bed - still.

Nerves are kicking in now about my meeting at the bank this afternoon.

please let there be good news - please let there be good news - please let there be good news

I haven't posted anything to Facebook about my stolen money as I find this a bit embarrassing that this happened to us... although, I'm not sure why.

Well, Roy and I are (somewhat) pretty private people anyway.

Swelly Belly

Post-op update, I'm experiencing what's been referred to as "swelly belly". It's awful. It seems to hit me most after a meal - even a very small meal.  My tummy gets very hard and bloated.  It can be very painful and I will feel as if I'm 8 months pregnant. I pop Phazyme and GasX but relief is still slow to come. Almost makes me want to stop eating all together except that too is miserable. But the incisions are healing nicely and I massage Mederma into each one daily.

An article > about it here < on Hystersisters.

On another note - my God my marriage is so wonderful!!! I just can't express how completely happy we are.  He is so attentive and sweet. He's always had a difficult time expressing himself but he's working on that and it's going really well.  He tells me he loves me all throughout the day and out of no where.  We are just so happy and inlove.

Orlando's Invasion

I deposited my paycheck and by that very afternoon someone in Orlando, Florida had cleaned out my account.

Discovered this the following day and spoke with a bank officer.  It seems they intend to take care of me one way or the other.

Waiting patiently for Thursday when I am scheduled to go in to the bank to pick up new cards and find out if the businesses (Seven-11 and CVS) are going to reimburse me.

Rounding Another Corner

Okay, so I'm going to have to get my head wrapped around this new phase in our lives.  We have three older boys - "adults": Jr (24), Aaron (22), and Corey (20)

Jr and Corey are back from Afghanistan and we can finally revel in the relief that they are both safe and sound... at least physically.  Jr had a really tough time over there and he has a lot to get his head wrapped around as well - but otherwise, he is okay.  He and his girlfriend, Paige, are now working on a new phase - life after Army.  They are staying with us until they have everything in place to move out.

Aaron though!! Aaron is so wonderful!! Finally! All those years of drama and anxiety have finally come to an end. He is the epitome of what we hope for all the boys.  He's got a fantastic job, making lots of money, building up his savings quite nicely, attends church regularly, has a beautiful, sweet, sweet girlfriend - things really couldn't be better for him.  And once he and his girlfriend finally tie the knot - it's going to be the occasion of the century - they are doing it RIGHT! It's SO nice not to worry about him for a change.

Corey.... uhhh, Corey.... well, he's still as immature as they come.  His mentality is just "out there" - appearing to be a bit on the angry thuggish side - sigh... his mother's side.  He talks so much smack and there is no reasoning with him.  He only wants to hear what he wants to hear - say anything else and he'll snap your head off.  We've walked on eggshells around him because he'd come home for a short time only to turn around and go back to Afghanistan.  We didn't want to argue and then send him back into a war zone.  But there was the one occasion, when Corey had fussed at us for using his car.  It seems his "friends" had informed him that they had seen us driving all over town in it.  - Not true. - For the record, I had only been in that car once - at most.  We have our vehicle we drive it on a regular basis - not Corey's.  His daddy did drive Corey's car to and from work, but only to keep the motor running and he'd thought that was the understanding between them.  Corey waited to approach us about it until just before getting on the plane, berating us with a complete disrespect.  He didn't even try to talk rationally and maturely about it.  We didn't say much - walking on glass to avoid any further unnecessary argument before sending him back into a war zone.  He hid the keys to ensure himself that we wouldn't use it again.  Then got on the plane - everyone walking away upset.  His dad took it so hard (I've rarely seen him get so choked up before - shame on you Corey *smh*).  

Ultimately, his dad didn't touch the damn car after that.  And I wish I would have taken a picture of all the pollen built up on that vehicle while Corey was gone.  

And then Corey comes home from Afghanistan, for good. And! He wants a favor! He wants us to drive his car up to the base and leave it there for him! Well, the car did not start. (Surprise! Surprise!) So, dad puts it on the charger until it does.  (Candice later informs me that Corey thought we were lying to him about his car not starting. He is so ridiculous sometimes! *rolls eyes*)  Still, he didn't get to learn his lesson. I wish - I WISH - his dad had not put the car to charge so Corey could have seen for himself! Regardless, we didn't take the car to Corey as Roy and I both had to work (and Corey had given us only a moments notice, literally - he just called and said come now!). I just keep hoping one day Corey will grow up - but if he is anything like his mother (and he is), then it's a crap shoot.

Anyway, the real meat of this post - when Corey posted some "tough" talk about getting a speeding ticket and dealing with the police officer, his daddy responded with some very light guidance which Corey responded to somewhat disrespectfully.  Here, I'll put it specifically so that it will speak for itself:

7/16/12, 2:52p

Corey:  "i swear if i get pulled over one more fuckin time and the sheriffs are a smartass to me again im goin to lose it."

Dad: "Corey thats one thing when u have a car like tht it comes with the territory there doing job its just some people with cars like urs put a bad rapp fof everyone and i know u got a heavy foot so take it easy u dnt need to lose it and make things worse cuz u wont win o cooperate with laws!! Ive seen friends lose everything in snap!! So easy and enjoy ur Rad Ride!!!"

Corey: "before the work zone the speed limit was 70, the work zone was 60, so i figure ok after the work zone is over the speed limit would go back to what it was before wouldnt it? but no i guess not, so it would help if they fuckin posted a speed limit sign after the work zone. i dont speed i set my cruise control to whatever the fuck the sign says for jackasses like that. ive seen people rollover from speeding in afghanistan and we even lost a guy due to speeding so i dont need a reminder of how you can lose everything because of speeding but thanks."

Corey: "but hey if they are goin to take me down ill be sure to take one down with me."

* 

So, what does that meeean?? It's obvious to me that Corey only wants to hear what Corey wants to hear. 

I sit and think about this and I come to realize that the boys aren't asking for our opinions.  So, unless they ask for it - don't give it. I mean, I remember when I was their age,  getting my mother's (unwelcome) input (and I already knew what to expect from her). Her input simply put me off as well. We've got to trust that we've taught them and they know what's right and what's wrong. They're just stupid shits sometimes, that's all - we all were.  

So, this new phase, we've got to disconnect enough to let them do their thing. They'll learn the hard way too - same way we did.  

Then, if and when they come crying to us for help, we deal with it accordingly.  "Accordingly" being key...   the ol' give a man a fish or teach a man to fish thing.

self-inflicting emotional distress

What makes me put that which pains me in front of me to stare at? ...wallow in it?

I recently heard that Rielle Hunter states in her book What Really Happened, that Elizabeth Edwards had found a photo of her husband, John, staring lovingly at Rielle (John's slut-mistress).  And while this photo caused Elizabeth such great pain - she saved it as her computer screen saver so that she could see it over and over and over...

Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT a Rielle Hunter fan nor do I put much merit on what she states - I simply relate to the accounting because I see myself doing the same sort of things.  Things that stress me or cause me great pain - I keep.

Why? ¯\_(ʘ_ʘ)_/¯

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note:

For those of you who do not know who the above stated people are; John Edwards ran for president in 2008.  It was later discovered that he had an affair with Rielle Hunter (who became pregnant and eventually had John Edwards' baby).  John Edwards was married to Elizabeth Edwards at the time (who passed away from cancer in December 2010). 

4th of July

For the past couple of years, we have begun celebrating the 4th of July at my sister's home.  I think I've already told you that she has quite a bit of property and nice home layout for entertaining large groups.  This year was no different. A buffet of yummy snacks with friends and family made for a very nice time.  This year, however, I am still healing from my hysterectomy and while I am certainly not suffering much at all, I do tire quickly, so I planned to make this a short celebration.  This year, Candice, who in past years was unable to make these parties, was escorted in by Aaron! I was excited to see her there (I do enjoy showing her off).  Roy, however, had to work and Wolfie was more interested in his computer games and stayed home - so it was just me and my baby girl this year. 

I'm a picky eater. I have been since I was in diapers.  And I'm not very interested in trying new foods - my theory is that if I find something new to love, it will only be one more thing I have to try to avoid eating too much of  - cest la vie.  My sister, Brenda, who loves to cook and very creatively too, was attempting to coax me into trying one of her weird concoctions which I adamantly declined leading us into a conversation about whether or not it's a good idea to force children to eat foods that they don't care for.  

I was telling the story of my mother (who was also sitting with us at this time) and how she had gone through a period of trying to "force" me into eating things I didn't want. I remember sitting in front of the television watching cartoons with the biggest glass of Kool-aid and a dreaded peanut butter sandwich.  Take a bite - wash it down like a pill.  Take a bite  -don't chew - and just wash it down.  This went on until the sandwich was just about gone.  I recall another time, sitting at the family table, my father insisting that I eat the mashed potatoes.  I sat there talking myself into it - "Karen, it's only mashed potatoes!!"  Nope.  One swallow and then up they came.  Dad was so frustrated.  My mother visited with the doctor about my eating habits, and he reassured her that I was getting all the nutrients I needed - I was healthy, so no worries.  And so mom came to the mindset that it simply wasn't a battle she wanted to pick anymore, and that children should not grow up experiencing the act of eating as upsetting and traumatic.  Thereafter, she would cook for the family and, if it was something I didn't care for, I would get a plate of meatballs with ketchup (or whatever).  I've always been a pretty good meat-eater, so usually I would have the meats without all the sides.  No big deal.  Right?  

So, my sister, Brenda, states that I "should have been forced to eat everything", and my son, Aaron, agrees.  I, however, defend my mother's choice (thanking her again), letting her know that I was in agreement with her decision and have obliged my own children in the same fashion.  Then I brought up that I was known for going to FIVE different places to pick up fast food so that everyone in my home could eat exactly what they were craving that day - and they were happy for it too! And my son, who at this moment was siding with my sis,  had also been happy that I had obliged him. Candice comes to my rescue with confirmation that I had in fact bent over backwards at times to appease everyone's cravings - and that she too was thankful for it.  (I telepathically squeeze and kiss her.)  

All this isn't to say one way is right and the other is wrong - I suppose it's just to say I don't think I was wrong in the way I handled it.  It's the way our family ran and it worked.  I suppose if it had been too inconvenient for me, I made everyone choose one place to eat from or I made dinner and they ate what they wanted from it or found something else.  

I turned to Aaron and ask him how he might have felt had I forced him to eat those things that he didn't care for and I'm sure he mulled it over quietly, despite his response.  But later, Aaron was eating one of my sister's creative appetizers, leaving the bread as he didn't care for that part.  Opportunity presents itself!  And I chide (as I grin from ear to ear), "No. It doesn't matter if you like it or not, you need to eat it all." (As if to "force" him into eating something he did not like.)  He grinned too - "getting it" - and he ate it all, in spite of himself.  Funny.

back to work

Yesterday was my first day back at work since the hysterectomy! I was wide awake then and feeling great! Today, uhmmm, not so much. Seems I'll tire quickly through the week.  Tomorrow is holiday - so that's nice.  Still popping pain meds, not so much for pain but the distracting tenderness.  I only pop them for work as I must have my head in the game at work.