que sera sera

Seems the only time I can think life over is in the car going from here to there, and lying in bed at nights with the lights out, in the movie theatre, and especially in the shower - those are the best blogs that usually stay in my head and never make it to black and white.

*

He controls her... and I suppose, she allows it, but she is so unhappy.  He is angry and he takes it out on her.  When he yells, he is a monster.  His words cut.  And I want to save her.  It should be me.  I can handle it.  She can't.  She is weak and afraid.  But I am a monster.  Monster vs. Monster - that's the fair fight.  I have words that cut deep.  I have been trained - and adequately.  I thought I was over it... but now I wonder. Am I?  I think about him and I dream of yelling at him, in ways she never will.  I dream of attacking him the way he attacks her verbally.  An eye for an eye.... leaving everyone blind.  Bastard.  I will see you screaming.

*

You have no idea how hard I've looked

for a gift to bring You.

Nothing seemed right.

What's the point of bringing gold to

the gold mine, or water to the ocean.

...Everything I came up with was like

taking spices to the Orient.

It's no good giving my heart and my

soul because you already have these.

So I've brought you a mirror.

Look at yourself and remember me.

(Jalalud'din Rumi)

Dear loved one,

In your effort to present yourself an adult, you have grossly overshot and, consequently, find yourself back at square one. Try again sweetie.

*

It's no secret, parenting is one of the hardest jobs in existance. I have three biological children and two step-sons. In all actuality, all of these children were easy enough to raise - I do count myself a lucky parent.

My children are treasures that have gifted me a life of beautiful memories which bind us together, and peppered with worry, which did at times consume me.

What is she doing here, in the middle of all this stuff that has nothing to do with her?

(The Photograph, by Penelope Lively)

"Hindsight, I think, is a useless tool.  We, each of us, are at a place in our lives because of innumerable circumstances, and we, each of us, have a responsibility (if we do not like where we are) to move along life's road, to find a better path if this one does not suit, or to walk happily along this one if it is indeed our life's way.  Changing even the bad things that have gone before would fundamentally change who we are, and whether or not that would be a good thing, I believe, it is impossible to predict.  So I take my past experiences... and try to regret nothing..."

— R.A. Salvatore (Sea of Swords)

Bel far niente!

(the beauty of doing nothing)

The Treasure Hunt

 

“I have not yet grown weary of looking at the water, doing nothing, thinking idly in a haphazard sort of way.” Doris Grumbach “Coming into the End Zone”

might get you sad...

Jr. wrote the following to me today:

He titled the message: might get you sad so you may want to read it later

"We lost two more guys on the night of the 28th. They were apart of our Eplosive Ordinance Disposal Team (EOD) so their job was to keep us all alive pretty much. They are the guys who go out with us and disarm the IEDs that we find and either blow them in place or bring back with us to blow up in a safe area. They were missing (sic) with a booby trapped IED that was daisy chained (multiple bombs spread out and they ended up setting the IED off. One was killed instantly and the other survived the explosion but our medics were only able to keep him alive for about 30 minutes. He might of had a chance to live but helicopters can't fly during snow storms so we could not get him air lifted to a hospital. We should not have been out there to begin with because something LIKE THIS could have happened... I have seen dead Iraquis and dead Afghans and have even watched one bleed out in my scope until he died and none of it has affected me. Seeing your friends die a horrible death and be there knowing there is nothing you can do for them is the worse feeling in the world. Seeing all their blood, carrying their lifeless bodies, being told by the medic there is nothing we can do for them and covering them up... these memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.

These guys saved our lives a countless number of times and we will forever be in their debt. Staff Sgt. Chauncy R. Mays, 25, of Cookville, Texas and Spc. Christopher G. Stark, 22, of Monett, Missouri."


I wrote back:

"I couldn't wait until later. I have to know.

Crying and my heart is breaking just sitting here in this office trying to imagine what you've seen and been through, and what your friend was going through as he lay there dying - and, I just can't imagine. I think I would want to scream. Lesser things have haunted people... carry it with you, and don't let yourself become immune to it. I'm going to be praying for their families, friends, and you all. Love you."

*

What else could I have said? Trying to put myself in his shoes, I cry and cry. He is only 3 months into this second tour and he's already seen at least 3 very close friends die in front of him.  My heart breaks.