my 1st post from my phone..

My stomach's kind of upset today. I think its nerves. So stressed about mom's cancer. Spent last Sunday with her and she ended up back in the hospital because her stitches ripped. I saw more of my mother than I ever thought I'd see. It seems I can handle it, but still I must be somewhat traumatized from seeing so much skin and seeing her so weak, because I can't seem to shake it off. Me, my two sisters, and mom are heading to Houston on Sunday for a meeting with the doctors at MD Anderson on Monday. We are expecting to find out the extint of the cancer and what treatment options are. All this, and working full-time, and homeschooling my two youngest.

Then there's the hub. I just dont feel like I'm getting any support during this ordeal with mom, but that's really no surprise. I mean, it's not like we have ever had a strong relationship. Last weekend, he went out drinking with his guy friends again, but this time he didn't come home until 5:00 a.m. So, first it was 3:00, then 4:00, and now it's 5:00. I don't care. Our marriage has been a complete sham this entire time anyhow. It's just, I wish the reason that I didn't care was because we had so much trust and love; but then, I suppose if that were the case, he wouldn't go out like that anyhow. Blah! Anyway, I made him leave again yesterday. He'll probably be back but I wish that I knew what we were supposed to do. I read somewhere that people stay in your life until you have learned what you were supposed to from the relationship. I wish I knew already what I am supposed to learn from this relationship with Roy. Then it could either end, or improve. (psh! who am I kidding? Fifteen plus years together, this is it - its not going to change.)

So I throw myself into helping care for my mother and work and homeschooling.

My kids are such a relief in my life.