What death do we deserve?

Yesterday, sobbing over his grandmother's cancer struggle, Jr cried, "she doesn't deserve this..."

"No, she doesn't" I confirmed.

And today, sitting here at work, I think about his words and how they relate to me and my mother as well.

I have a photo of my mother as a little girl that hangs above my computer at work and I gaze at it on a daily basis.  The little girl in the photo looks like my mother but she is so young, happy, and carefree.  At the time it was taken, she had no clue how she would pass away. 

Sometimes, I wonder, "What in the world could she have done in her life to deserve such a tragic and horrible struggle to death?"

Not a thing.

We all die, and we all die differently.  In my heart, I believe that our death is somewhat planned or even chosen by ourselves.  I suppose this belief serves to validate our passing, no matter how tragic; it gives it some degree of purpose, at least for me. 

However, I don't think my MIL would have said that she was ready to leave this world now; and I don't think my mom was ready to leave this world when she did. And I know that my mom did not want the cancer battle that she was dealt - she'd always said that she wanted to go peacefully, in her sleep, without suffering.  In the end, she did go peacefully, but for the battle leading up to it...

I tend to search out the silver linings, and for my MIL, maybe it was good that she was able to continue her day-to-day life without the cloud of cancer or death looming over her until she was so close to the end.

My confession:  I don't want to witness my MIL like this because I don't want the vision of her passing to replace any vision that I have of my mother's passing.  In this way, I'm sort of protecting my memories of that time with my mom no matter how macabre those memories might be.  I'm aware of how silly this sounds, and I can't explain it any better than this.  It just is what it is.