two wrongs don't make a what?

I could say a lot of things. Things that would appear hateful - in actuality they come from that place of my own pains - retaliating the pain. (Don't let anyone see you're pain as they may misinterpret it for weakness, right?)

And then what?

I know that still, I will not receive the response I desire or need to heal my pain. But I also know that, without the retaliation, I will not receive the response I desire and you will walk away without any true knowing of the pain you have caused me.

So, you see a bitch.

writing helps

sort things out

see things as they are

see me as I am and

see you as you are

but now what?

I don't want to be forgiving anymore...

it makes me feel gullible and foolish.

fuck it.

fuck you.

homeschooling Wolfie

Today, as I homeschooled, Wolf and I were discussing his studies and he told me of a tweak in his assignment he felt that he would benefit from...

As I listened to him, my thoughts went a bit to the wayside,
"he's getting so big,
growing up so fast...
will he go through a rebellious stage?
Will he become too difficult to homeschool one day?
He's so respectful and obedient
and tenderhearted...
I can't imagine losing what we have now.
His voice is so deep..."

I appreciated and respected his input, and told him so. I valued that he had put thought into how he could get more from his studies. 

After discussing it, we agreed to the adjustment and I let him know that eventually he would have more and more of the responsibility for his studies. He let me know he wasn't ready for that just yet. 

I'm so proud of him.

a lie by any other name...

I've got a new friend and it's become very apparent that she is a bit "all over the place".  On more than one occasion she has said one thing only to end up doing something completely different.  And I've had others in my life do the same thing.  The frustration I feel over it has instilled in me a growing importance of my words.  If a person can not trust an agreement that was made, no matter how big or small that agreement is, life can easily get chaotic.

dictum meum pactum - it means "the words that I utter are my bond”.

.....utter with honesty.

Your "word" is a bond created sometimes all to easily

but others should be content to depend on them.

If you say you're going to be there - then be there.

If you don't know - then simply reveal your ignorance honestly.

With your words, you train others to either trust you, or distrust you.

A great relationship is based on two things: first, find out the similarities; second, respect the differences.

*

"Remember, the best relationships are the ones on which your love for each other exceeds your needs for each other." (The Dalai Lama)

Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it. (Salvador Dali)

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Video: Why I hate religion, but love Jesus

Eat, Pray, Love

• 

My baby boy, Wolfie, gave me the dvd movie Eat, Pray, Love for Christmas.

I had first watched this movie at the theatre and had no one to go with so my daughter, Drew, not wanting to see me go alone, decided she would go along with me.  It really wasn't her sort of show, but she's just a sweetheart like that (and there wasn't a lot of cursing or any nudity).

I returned home ranting and raving over it.  I loved the movie on so many levels (such as her struggle to embrace her independence and connect with her spirituality).

I suppose my enthusiasm made an impression on Wolfie and his gift could not have been any better.

a quote from the movie:

"....hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it?  The only thing more impossible than staying, was leaving."

Don't Judge

One of my old school friends is now a pastor of a local church he founded (which I do not attend) recently posted this on his Facebook wall: The problem in the church is not that everyone has a "personal preference" but when people confuse their personal preferable with "Biblical Truth".

My initial (un-posted) response was "my belief is that God’s truth rings true in your heart - hence a personal preference.  I believe that there are many truth’s and that it’s not just one particular religious interpretation to be found in Heaven.  And I believe, simply, that God is all things good; (He) is love, (He) is tolerance, (He) is patience, (He) is kindness, etc. - and that a good (or Light-possessing) spirit will have no worries of not reaching Heaven."

In the words of Jack Handey, "I think instead of answers, we should have impressions. If I have a different impression than you on a math test, so what? Can't we all be brothers?"

*

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

As I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp-

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,

So somber - give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

*

JUDGE NOT!!


Remember...
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.


Every saint has a PAST... Every sinner has a FUTURE!

I've got such a headache...

so much stress and prayer and tears
in such a short period of time...
our nephew is coming home soon
from Afghanistan...
bruised but not broken
(thanking God)


and I'm thinking about all of the close calls
our son (Roy Jr) had over there
in Afghanistan...
and how he is home safe now
(thanking God)


and our family has another son
over there still
and we just want him home safe already too


and I'm thinking about how our family
has been spared
from the trauma of a worse case scenerio...
so, I can only imagine
how those mothers and wives
and families feel
who have gone through so much
more hardship than me
and it makes me think
how blessed our family is
that we haven't walked in those shoes


it makes me think,
"don't ever feel I have things so bad,
because they could be so much worse"
and I think, "how sad, that such a stress
has to happen for me to be reminded of that"


and I pray that I never become a parent
who out-lives any of our families children
and my heart and prayers
go out to those parents & families
who have experienced that heartache
and...
I'd rather have this headache
than that heartache anyday

ME

If I were to tell you the stories of my life I would not come out smelling like roses, and you might say to me that I have failed - but in the very least, I will have owned my transgressions with frank honesty and brutal accuracy and I will know that, despite your judgments of me, I am a person of integrity.

Some of my life lessons

A friend sent this to me via email today, and I was only halfway through it when I knew I wanted to share it here. I've heard it before or at least other versions of it, and I always enjoy them. I always have to change these things up so they conform to me too (it's how I do).  So, anyhow, here it is (personalized).

I've learned....

that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....

that when you're in love, it shows - and when you're not, that shows too.

I've learned....

that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....

that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....

that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....

that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....

that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help in some other way.

I've learned....

that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to be silly with.

I've learned....

that sometimes all a person needs is an open ear and a closed mouth.

I've learned....

that some of the simplest conversations with my father or mother still had a big influence on me.

I've learned....

that you can over-think some things.

I've learned....

that sometimes that thing you truly should do, isn't going to be your easiest of options.

I've learned....

that when the argument gets too heated, it's good to take a break and resume the "discussion" again later.

I've learned....

that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....

that life isn't just about being happy or content all the time, it's just as much about the conflicts and crisis and what we learn from those moments and how we use those lessons in our maturity.

I've learned....

that the people calling others "haters" are actually the only ones focusing on the hate.

I've learned....

that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....

that tone, rather than words, can change the direction of the conversation.

I've learned....

that miracles happen all the time, but some people choose to rationalize them away.

I've learned....

that sometimes we say so much more when we say nothing at all.

I've learned....

that under that hard shell is someone who wants to be accepted, appreciated, and loved.

I've learned....

that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....

that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only giving that person the power to continue to hurt you.

I've learned....

that there's nothing sweeter than waking up next to your babies and listening to them breathe.

I've learned....

that life is tough, and crying about it doesn't fix it.

I've learned....

that opportunities are never lost - someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....

that when I harbor bitterness, it's only hurting myself.

I've learned....

that those people who have passed harsh judgments on me, don't really know me at all nor do they know anything of the situation, and so, aren't worth my worry.

I've learned....

that when you make assumptions, you really make an ass out of only you.

I've learned....

that you should keep your words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them, and eating crow is horrible!

I've learned....

that no matter how hard I tried to blame someone else, I still held some of the blame for the drama that surrounded me - and until I accepted that responsibility and changed my actions, it was not going to go away.

I've learned....

that taking the high road, is not about repairing a relationship, but it's the first step in healing myself.

I've learned....

that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....

that no matter the situation, we always have more than one option.

I've learned....

that everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

I've learned....

that you should always represent yourself with frank honesty and brutal accuracy because your truth will come out, and when it does, it's better to be revealed a person of integrity than the alternative.

I've learned....

that I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned....

that while the 'ups' were loads of fun, it was the 'downs' that truly transformed and shaped me - and I still kinda like me.

kiss kiss

My hunny posted this song for me - it hit the spot because he's never given me a song before. LOL, I feel so sixteen again. Silly, isn't it.

"Once you figure out who you are

what you love about yourself, I think it all kinda falls into place."
(Jennifer Aniston)

trick - er - treat

Halloween was quick! Ran out of work a little late (it seems it happens that way every year).  Wolfie has decided he's too big to dress-up.  Myself, I think you're never too old to dress-up. *sigh* Boys will be boys. So, we got him this shirt to celebrate Halloween (he'd been wanting it since he'd spotted it on one of the tv shows they watch).  Drew dressed up as Lagoona Blue from Monster High.  She's always got to be cute - nothing scary for her.

Dia de los Muertos

This theme, this time of year, this is our favorite season!  Roy and I have even talked about decorating the house with this theme.  It's definitely one we both have a sincere appreciation for.  The colors, the skeletons, the make-up, creativity, and music - off of it is exciting!  We visited our local museum which had exhibits and other celebratory events going on in honor of Dia de los Muertos.  I took pictures (below) and my creative juices were flowing again.  It sort of bums me because I've always felt I was supposed to be an artist in my life, but life happened, and I simply had other priorities that distracted me from doing more with my talents. 

fun with phone apps

Today,

I bent the truth to be kind,
and I have no regret,
for I am far surer of what is kind
than I am of what is true.

(Robert Brault)

so much for R&R

Monday, October 3rd, Roy and I were laying down and we hear this voice say, "Hola!" look up and COREY is standing in the middle of the room! That boy was supposed to be in Afghanistan! We were both so dumbfounded and for a split second I wondered if he were actually a hologram, haha. It took us a few awkward seconds to realize that it was, actually, Corey standing there in our room.


Naturally, it was a pleasant surprise. We are always happier when the boys are safe in the good ol’ U.S. of A.  Sadly, he wasn't back for even 12 hours and he was already texting me about how he had caught his wife cheating and he wants a divorce and all that.

Now, I like to be someone the kids can count on coming to me when they need help, but I'm a mom first, and so I've got lessons to teach (even though the three oldest are pretty much on their own now) I'll never pass on an opportunity to "help" them learn something. That's not because I get pleasure out of it. I don't like seeing my kids surrounded by negative drama, but my momma taught me some things the hard way and I got a lot more out of learning things that way. I'm stronger, and more independent for it.

"Tough love", well it sucks all around - for everyone! I'm talking it sucks for the kid, it sucks for the parents, it sucks for the brothers and sisters, it sucks for the grandparents, it sucks for cousins, aunts, and uncles sometimes, it can even suck for friends too! Hence the term "tough" love. But we're shooting for the end result, right! At least, as a parent who gives a shit about these kids and wants them to learn from situations - I do!

So here we are, and he had lied to me in order to arrange to meet Miranda in the very beginning, and he lied again to continue the relationship, and he lied yet again when he snuck around to marry her, and so, at this point I'm pretty much thinking, "ya got yourself into this mess, you need to be the one to get yourself out of it." Now, I haven't said that to him and I'm not one to say, "I told ya so." I don't believe saying something like that helps any situation, and this isn't about who is right and who is wrong. He already told me how stupid he feels. And this is good, ya know, cause he’s learning – and he’s doing it good. So, I just responded, "you can't be blamed for shooting for love and doing all you can to make it work." We live, we learn. I’m very proud of him… proud of all of my kiddos.

(Personally, I don't care if she's gained a little weight to look pregnant, and I don't care what her over-the-counter tests show (she's manipulated those before) - my instincts say the girl isn't pregnant. She's lied about pregnancies before to get attention - I think she's doing it again.)

He spent most of his R&R (rest and relaxation) stressed and upset over the situation.

And then Corey left for Afghanistan this morning.

Hopefully the distraction over there will help him clear his mind, put priorities in order, and help him grow up. Still, stay safe Corey. I'm praying for you always. ♥