I do again

This evening I received a text from Candice's mom, Estella.

Estella: "U busy"

Me (Curious...): "No. Just chilling. What's up?"

Estella: "Did Aaron text you"

Me (Stressed now. Something is amiss!): "No. What's going on?" 

I sit on the couch with the kids while I wait for her response. I know that something is going on, I just don't know if it's good, or bad. I mention my stress to the kids and then bust out in prayer! "Surround my family with the White Light of the Holy Spirit! Bless us! Bless us! Bless us!"

Estella: "He said they want a marriage license like to get married quick. They want nobody to know what's up but us."

Me (Stunned. I thought they were going to go slow. "Baby steps" he said! This is not slow! What do I feel? What should I feel? I have no damn clue! I can't even think.): "Where is Aaron?"

Estella: "They're out together."

Me: "Can I come over?" (I've already grabbed my purse and I'm sitting in the car with the motor running before I ever get a response from her!)

She was out on an errand and said that she'd let me know when she got home again.

This is good. I can't react. I'll just sit in the car here and process for a minute. Tears are welling up. Happy tears. Aaron and Candice pull up behind me and Aaron is already inside when I exit the car.  Candice is sitting in their car waiting. I knock on the window and she rolls it down. "Whatcha doing?" I ask. We make a little small talk and she informs me that Aaron had gone in to get me. I act as if I don't know what's going on. 

"Where were you going?" she asks. 

"Ohhhh. Just... over... to... your... parents'." I say ever so slowly. And a grin creeps across her face as she realizes that I know.

Aaron is walking towards the car now and Candice is grinning at him from ear to ear and shaking her head as if to signal to him. She tells him, "Ask your mom where she was going."

Secrets out.

I talk to them about it. Ask if they are really ready now. They both seem pretty good. I tell Aaron, "You know I love you." and I look at Candice, "but do you know that I love you?" I open the door as she looks away wiping a tear away. I lean in and hug her saying, "I love you Candice. Listen I get mad at my own kids but I still love them. And you're my baby too. I love you. I can't believe that I could love someone else's baby as much as I love you." We're both crying and hugging. 

I do love her. I love her so much. I really do want to keep her - for-ev-er!!

So wedding is on again.

Whatever she wants...

Saturday, July 19th. It's obvious that something has happened. It's good - at least Aaron seems to think so. I don't know what it is, I only know that Aaron seems to be elated and super excited for church tomorrow. I'm guessing he's talked to Candice. He asks me to wake him early on Sunday but as it turned out, he never went to sleep.

Sunday, July 20. Aaron returns home after church. Things are quiet. He seems solemn. I'm guessing the day didn't go quite as he'd hoped. 

Monday, July 21. I received several calls and texts from Aaron around 5p. I return his call and he informs me that his truck broke down about an hour outside of town and he's got a wrecker on the way but wants me to come get him. In his firm, authorative voice he says, "Candice is with me so be nice!" 

I chuckle. 

Of course, I'll be nice. I love her. I'm not pleased with her right now, but I do love her. So, obviously, they went out of town together. They've spent the day talking. (I'm a pretty clever detective, right! *wink*) Possibly, working things out. I'm sure the truck breaking down couldn't have stressed Aaron more. It's the worst timing ever.

Halfway there, Aaron calls to tell me that they are going to ride back home in the wrecker. I figured.

Once they arrive home, I walk outside and hug Candice. Hold it in Karen! Hold it in! NO TEARS DAMN IT!

I give her a smile and there's a little small talk with the wrecker dude.  I go inside to give Aaron and Candice their space.

Tuesday, July 22. Aaron spent the night with Candice at her family's home. 

She's still friends with her boss on Facebook. Today he posted a collage photo of the two of them together. And she "liked" on the post. I think about how she is sitting in the same room with Aaron while "liking" on this guy's photo of her with him. 

If the shoe were on the other foot. 

Wednesday, July 23. Aaron has not spent one second without Candice. 

She whispers to me, "Obviously, he's afraid to let me out of his sight." 

I respond, "Well I suppose he'll have to let you out of his sight sooner or later."

She whispers, "No. He doesn't have to."

It's obvious by Aaron's voice that he's just so thrilled and thankful to be in her company again. But I'm worried that he's walking on eggshells too for fear of making her mad and having her leave again.  I love her but I'm afraid she'll leave again too. And he'll be heartbroken all over again. 

I don't understand what's going on in her head.

Is this the depression? Or is this just relationship confusion? Is this fear of commitment? Or what the fuck is this?

She seems to be depressed all the time. She seems to be unsatisfied all the time. She seems to spend all of her time on the internet searching out depressing mimis that will support her depression.

As Aaron bounces around trying to please her, I'm certain that he must still be scared to death of losing her again. Why can't she see how much he loves her? And if she can see it, why doesn't it count? Why doesn't it matter? Why doesn't it encourage her? Why does she simply insist on being depressed?

She used to bounce around the house. Laughing out loud with her mouth wide open. Was she faking it all along? Maybe. But maybe that's the best way to deal with depression. Ignoring it. Push it aside. Distract yourself. It's okay to acknowledge it, but then refuse to feed it.

Obviously, I just don't get it. 

Thursday, July 24. Aaron mentions that he and Candice plan to move in to our empty apartment. I asked how things are going between them and he responds quietly, "so far, so good." He doesn't sound very sure of himself though. I ask how her parents are doing. "Better now that she's home." He takes a roll of toilet paper into his room. I'm guessing maybe she's crying. 

I remember the last break-up and she came back to Aaron with a "shopping list" of conditions. He was hesitant but agreed to everything she wanted. Stupid shit like moving away and drinking alcohol, etc. When she asked him what he wanted, he said, "just you." 

Pathetic, right! 

I wished Aaron would let ME do his negotiating!

My stomach is in knots this morning. I'm stressed for Aaron's sake. Candice's internet posts are all negative and sad. I have a horrible feeling that she's still not going to stick around. 

I hope I'm wrong but feeling sick.

Gone fishing!

Relief! As it's always a good day for Aaron when he's invited to go fishing with the Partida family. He'll be back tomorrow afternoon, but I can relax a little knowing that he's happy to be with them when he can't be with her.

I think there is part of them that feels closer to her when they spend time with him as well.

Thanking God for the sweet way they try to lift his spirits.

Update: my sweet boy managed to lose another phone in the Gulf. I know it adds to his feeling of loss not having his phone to look her up. It might be a good thing though, and it's only for a couple of days until the replacement arrives.

Happy 16th Wolfie!

On the way home from the Hayhouse seminar, Roy and I were talking about Wolfie's 16th birthday. Wolf is such a good kid and he really took care of everything on the homefront while we were gone. I'm well aware that he wants the new Playstation and it's so expensive that he's not expecting it.  I came into a little extra money, compliments of my mom (maybe it was her way of saying, "get the boy a Playstation!"). So, Roy and I decide to surprise Wolfie with this PS4 thingy. Additionally, I'm spicing things up a little by organizing a scavenger hunt for his gift! He'll probably think he's too old for this game and I'm expecting him to resist, but I'm doing it! 

On the day, the kids wake and we dive right into the hunt! It begins with him opening his card and reading the first clue which I had to explain was a game. Drew, just as surprised, began bouncing off the walls with excitement as she helped him with the clues leading them from room to room. 

CARD	WHERE TO PUT THIS CARD
1. Don't you worry don't you fear this is not your gift this year. Clues will lead to something good. Now go look for a clue where we store the food. (pantry)	Inside birthday card
2. Sometimes you'll find me hard and cold, other times I'm hard to hold, always present in the air, if I'm ever gone, beware. What am I? (water jug)	Inside pantry
3. Are you hungry yet? Some food I'll nuke but don't eat so much that it makes you puke. (Microwave)	On the water jug
4. What has a ring but no finger? (telephone)	Inside the microwave
5. You're getting hot if you retire beside a nice and cozy fire. (fireplace)	By the telephone
6. I have a face that doesn't frown, I have hands that do not wave, I have no mouth, just a familiar sound, I don't walk but I move around, what am I? (clock)	On the fireplace
7. The more I dry the wetter I become. What am I? (towel)	On the clock
8. Some take me in the morning, others take me in the evening, but one thing you should know - that when I'm 'taken', I don't really go anywhere. (shower)	In the towel pantry
9. I'll store your clothes and so much more but instead you prefer to use the floor. What am I? (closet)	In the shower
10. You've never used me for a good scrub-a-dub-dub but for new babies home you might look in mom's _ _ _ !	In Wolf’s closet
11. If you ever find yourself drifting swim for this island.	In mom’s tub
We love you spy boy. Hip hip hooray! You found all the presents for your birthday!	On the gift Placed on the kitchen island

(Let me explain number 10.  We have a new litter of puppies and we're keeping them in my bathtub because no one ever uses it.)

In the end, Wolfie said that he totally enjoyed hunt! (As did Drew, of course.) And they both want to continue the game as a birthday tradition. They said it made the gift giving not so awkward and boring. Success!

Wolfie sporting the awesome tattoo he found inside his birthday card.

Emotionally exhausted

I'm texting Estella (Candice's mom) regarding Grandma Montez' passing and funeral arrangements, or rather the lack thereof.

I arrive home and Aaron, who is usually sitting outside on the tailgate of his truck listening to music, is now sitting inside the truck (the motor is off). 

Something's weird. 

Why is he inside the truck with the motor off? 

As I approach, he rolls down the window and I notice that there is no music playing either. 

I ask him what he's doing and he stares at me pleadingly. His eyes are so thick with tears that never reach his cheeks because he's struggling so hard to hold them back. His chin is quivering as he chokes out, "I just miss her."

And, I die.

This moment is now embedded in my mind forever! 

I wish I had words that would heal his soul but everything that comes out just seems to exhaust him more. 

This man should be crying over the death of his Mema, not the loss of a girlfriend. 

He should have been able to be comfortable and secure in his relationship - for better or worse - knowing that he could take the time he needed to mourn Mema without worrying that his long-time girlfriend would leave him to date her boss! What the fuck is she thinking?! 

I'm sick 

as I hang my head 
and leave him 
in the truck 
to cry.

Agony.

Grandma Montez has passed

"Grandma Montez" is Aaron's grandmother on his biological dad's side. His biological dad, Mark, passed many years ago from a brain aneurism. Prior to Mark's death Aaron had only met his "dad" and I attempted to encourage a relationship between them but things got complicated and we all drifted apart. Now that Aaron is older, he does his best to keep some communication with that side of the family, especially his step-brother, Matthew. 

I don't know any details about her passing.

Aaron is making a trip to be with that side of his family.

Emotional breakdown

STEP ONE: I'm angry. For SIX YEARS they've dated and for at least the last three, she's been begging for him to marry her. He was in school and after he'd started a new job. He wanted to build his savings before starting a family. He didn't want to be on welfare or asking the parents for help. He had a plan. But everyone - including Candice - knew those plans were all about Candice! He's mourning Mema's passing and she decides to call it off. Call off the engagement and date her BOSS!? WTF! Of course I'm angry! Who does that? And she is not that type of girl but here she is acting like she is! How do I defend that? How do I explain that? How does this sweet woman of God treat Aaron, who she loves, who loves her, who's in the middle of mourning his Mema's death, so horribly?? Kick him while he's down? How on earth does she rationalize that that behavior is okay? 

STEP TWO: I'm frustrated. I want to go find her. I want to put that girl in my car and drive off someplace alone and force her to explain what the hell she's thinking. I want to make her talk until we figure it all out! But this isn't about me. And I have to stay out of it. I have to behave the way Aaron would want me to behave. I have to take the high road and keep my mouth shut when really I just want to tell her things that will make her hurt the way that she has made me and Aaron hurt. The high road sucks sometimes.

STEP THREE: I'm confused. She's not like this. She's not! Something is going on with her. It must be. Because this is not who she is. She loves Aaron. I know that she does. She wanted to marry him. She seemed so happy when we went shopping for the dress and the venue. I knew she was emotionally up and down but she seemed to be handling it okay. I can't stop shaking my head because things just don't make sense. Everyone wants answers and I don't know what to say. And I've pushed her away now, so she's not talking to me at all. 

STEP FOUR: I'm grief-stricken.  Because the word "sad" just doesn't cover how completely devastated we are! I sit in the shower and bawl like a baby. I hate that she's gone. I hate that she's rejected us. I hate seeing my son so heartbroken. I hate seeing the tears well-up in his eyes. I want to hold him. I want to cry with him. He's so completely sad. He doesn't eat. He doesn't sleep. He's having chest pains. He went to the doctor and they ran tests, then put him on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medicine. I didn't know they'd put you on both! Googled it and now I realize that they are two very different things with different symptoms and different meds to treat each. 

STEP FIVE: I'm understanding. I have a daughter too! I love Candice like a daughter! I can't blame her for realizing that she's not ready to marry. I mean, I can but I can't. It's circumstances, ya know. It's good that she's able to recognize that she's not ready to marry. I just wish she'd handled things differently. I just wish she hadn't run into a relationship with her boss right after breaking up with Aaron. I wish she'd taken this time to be alone with herself. I wish she hadn't rejected her parents. Eventually, she admitted to Aaron that there was flirting between her and her boss. I knew she'd had a crush on her boss a long time ago. I also know that there were text messages between them that she didn't want Aaron to see. Hey, if she doesn't love Aaron then the LAST thing I want is for her to marry him. She can go. But don't continue to hurt him over and over again. 

STEP SIX: I'm rejected. I know this isn't about me but it's hard to not feel completely rejected too. She posts things like, "I left when I realized that I deserved better" and "I am headed for such a better future now because I didn't settle." Stabs. All stabs in the heart and in the gut. We're not good enough for her? Aaron's not good enough for her? Was it something I said? Was it that our home is in such disarray? I know Aaron wasn't perfect. We all have things we need to work on (so did she)! We will all have things to work on and improve until the day we die! But he did not deserve this! Not in the middle of mourning Mema's passing. He had a right to get comfortable and secure in the relationship. That's what we are supposed to work for. We shouldn't have to spend the rest of our lives trying so hard to impress our spouse. She was supposed to be supportive of him during his time of need. She was supposed to be loyal. Post after post she stabs us in the heart over and over again. Why couldn't she just leave and then block us both from seeing the hurtful posts. If she had ever loved him/us, she would not continue to hurt him/us.

STEP SEVEN: I'm faithful. God has a plan. Breathe. This is probably necessary. For both of them! Things have a way of working out. Breathe. Time heals. He'll eventually get stronger and he'll be happy again one day - with or without her. Then I'll be happy again. Breathe.

STEP EIGHT: Now, go back to the top and repeat the emotions again.

Returning the ring

Aaron called me in to his room. 

I walk in and he's sitting on his bed, tear filled eyes.

His chin quivers as he informs me that he's returned the ring and that they were nice enough to issue a refund. He'd like me to help keep an eye out for the check. 

He looks down and the tears fall as he whispers past the knot in his throat, "you were right."  He explains that she confessed to a flirtation going on between her and her boss. 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be right - I just want you to trust your instincts." (He'd had a suspicion because there were signs.)

Aaron and Candice had just spent the night together recently at a hotel in one of his efforts to talk things out and reconcile. "But," he cried, "she's changed. She's not the Candice she used to be and I just miss the old Candice."

I think returning the ring, for him, was one way of resolving himself that the relationship was truly over.

I say a quick prayer in my head for the right words and explain, "ya know, there are things in relationships that we say, 'this is the line that you just don't cross because this will end the relationship. I can't forgive it.' and then the next thing you know that very thing has happens and we're tested. But I've also learned that it's amazing the things that we can forgive. We'll just take this one day at a time."

My poor, poor baby. I'm sure it sounds as though I've just encouraged him to be in a relationship where he was completely disrespected. That was not my intent. But I think about how some people can forgive so much and go on to have a super healthy and loving relationship; while other relationships end. 

He'll figure this all out. That's one thing I have learned about Aaron, and love - he is very, very responsible and smart and rational. He's got a real good head on his shoulders and good taste too! Despite Candice's actions lately, she's a beautiful girl and she's a good girl! She was wonderful for Aaron. They balanced each other. He's a better person today because of her and likewise, Aaron has been really good for her too. So no matter what happens, I know that Aaron will be okay. 

I trust him.

And now, she doesn't...

So, yesterday morning I get a text from Candice asking, "How did you know that you loved dad?"

Uh oh. What is this? Is she having second thoughts?

I responded with a long-winded text but never heard back from her. Hours went by and no response from her. Already my radar is up and I'm aware that something is not right. Finally, at 9:12p she responds with, "I'm not ready to get married."

I hit the roof. 

I mean, I completely lost it. 

I, obviously, am already insecure about her commitment because she'd broken up with Aaron twice recently. But with this last reuniting, she'd accepted an engagement ring, bought the dress, had the ring sized, we're spending money traveling out of town for everything including choosing the venue. She's seemed so excited - on Cloud 9 - and then BAM! What the heck is going through her mind? How can someone walk around seeming so completely happy and excited about the wedding only to call it all off?!

She's started drinking alcohol recently. Is it the alcohol? She's also started hanging out with another girl who is known for her poor influence on Candice. Is it this girl's influence again? And there's suspicion that her boss is pursuing her despite knowing that she's in a relationship with Aaron. Is it this guy? 

I'm Aaron's mother first. I'm not going to sit on this information and just wait for him to be blind-sided by her. I enter his room and show him the texts and he immediately begins attempting "damage control."

Update: All of Aaron's attempts to save the relationship have failed. The wedding is off...

She said, "I will!"

And Aaron did such a beautiful job of picking out an heirloom wedding ring that will stand the test of time!

Then we go dress shopping! She was so beautiful and, of course, tears were already shed. (':

Looking for faith (again)

Since mom's death, I have been re-questioning my beliefs in afterlife.  I recognized that this was the beginning of a new spiritual journey for me. And you see, by thinking of it this way, I already prepare myself for an outcome of assurance in life after death.

I started with this video by Julia Sweeney - Letting Go of God which I believed would actually be a testimony of Julia's "letting go" only to find Him in the end somehow.  I watched the entire thing thinking "any minute now, she's going to have an epiphany of the existence of God!  

She didn't.

While I didn't want to believe in God simply because I was raised that way, or simply because it gave me peace of mind; this video did reveal to me was that I wanted to believe in God.  

Then I began watching Long Island Medium starring Theresa Caputo (and family).  I watched as she gave readings and watched as people reacted to her readings.  These people seemed too "real" to be actors. I watched and cried and cried as Theresa provided a peace and reassurance for these people who were suffering from the loss of a loved one.  How could this possible happen if these loved ones no longer existed in any realm?  For me, this is proof and I felt some peace from watching her.

My husband hears that Hayhouse is having another "I Can Do It" seminar in June in Austin featuring the one and only, amazing Dr. Wayne Dyer.  He knows how I enjoy Wayne and the Hayhouse community.  I have a cd collection of Wayne's lectures and I listen to them over and over.  Roy suggests we go and while it's hard for me to spend the money on it, I do think it's a good idea and I'm in! 

Recently, I saw a book being promoted by several mediums I follow on Facebook - Answers about the Afterlife by Bob Olson.  Looked interesting but who is Bob Olson?  I researched him and found his site: Afterlifetv.com. Apparently, Bob is a private investigator and, after loosing his father, began a journey for proof of an afterlife; hence, the sight.  He has interviewed numerous people including some who have experienced nde's, world-renowned mediums, ect. His website includes skyped interviews with these people.  I watch. I also purchase Bob's book along with Hello From Heaven, and The Book of Knowing and Worth (which is a trilogy and I hope to purchase the other two books eventually: I Am The Word, and The Book of Love and Creation).  I've got lots of reading to do now beginning with Hello From Heaven.  I haven't finished the first chapter when I came across the name Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and had to YouTube her for more information.  This video, To Live Until You Die is what I started with and a little less than halfway through I'm in tears and agree that this woman is an amazing person.  

In the meantime, my son and his girlfriend of six years have been on and off again for the several months.  It's a tough time for him (and the rest of the family as well).  So I've been stressed for him.  Stressed for his mentality, stressed for his future, and frustrated with her for leaving over and over again.  At this time, when our family is healing - trying to heal - from the death of mema and Roy's mother - this drama! This unnecessary drama?  I'm really angry and I really want to have my say but I'm trying so hard to stay out of it and keep my mouth shut. And how do I find peace while I'm feeling so upset with her and defensive of my son?  

This is my challenge.

I finish the To Live Until You Die video and continue reading Hello From Heaven. Half way through the first chapter I read of a woman coping with the death of her daughter.  It strikes me that if I continue this journey, I could become capable to deal with death better. And if God feels that I am capable to deal with it, might I also be bestowed the challenge to deal with my child's death too? I never ever want to be in the position that I am able to deal with the death of one of my children! Of course, I want to die if any of them die and that is all there is to that.  Too deep?  Am I over-complicating? Probably. Likely. Stop journey?

Later: I've discontinued reading Hello From Heaven as it seems ill-written to me and the first chapter was more of an explanation as to how the book was born rather than with an enthusiastic big-bang account of an ADC. But maybe my judgment evolved from a preconceived perception that I may have formed while watching the interview between Bob Olson and the writer, Bill Guggenheim, because in the interview Bill states that he would not allow for any editing of the book.  So, thus far for me, a bore but I haven't given up on it completely; simply looking for more right now.  

I open The Book of Knowing and Worth which is the channeled text through Paul Selig. (I was introduced to Paul Selig in the recorded interview of Bob Olson.) Chapter One is also an introduction which presents a changing time and the importance of self-worth.  It occurs to me (again) that many churches seem focused on teaching their congregation to worship and praise God and God's importance, with little to no focus on our actual connection to God, and how we actually honor Him by honoring ourselves, that in us we can find Him, and in spirit we are all connected as one. 

Like hide-and-go-seek

Sometimes, at least for some of us, we have to "find" God over and over.  

I experienced my first “hallelujah” phase when I was a teen but looking back, I wonder if I was merely caught up in the moment or was it a “real” savior moment but at a level that my young mind could process.  

As a young adult I had an experience that made me seriously question everything that I was brought up to believe religiously.  I began frantically searching for answers – my answers.  This search lasted a good 10 years at best, and it was a stressful search for me not knowing what my faith was, or how to define myself religiously or spiritually. Eventually, I found a huge comfort in the “knowing” that I'd settled in to and the beliefs I embraced and it was good. That is, until my mother passed away in 2013 and I began questioning it all over again. However, I believe questioning is a good thing, and although I remember my last search was stressful at the time, I can also look back on it as a sort of fun time too. So, I intend to relax and try to embrace this new search for my faith in a good way. Just let it flow.

It’s interesting what He puts before you.  He already knows that you’ll interpret it in the way that you need to in order to find the answer that is right for you.

In order to mend, we must first be broken.

I feel that if we're doing it right, then we're always working on ourselves, learning, and trying to improve, trying to be better, nicer, more gracious, more forgiving, more Christ-like, more Buddha-like, more Krishna-like.  

Lately, I'm all over the place and I don't mean physically, but emotionally. 

I spend my days 

appearing

as if

everything 

is fine

being strong.

No.

Appearing strong.

Thinking of mom

all the time.

How is she gone?

Confused and...

spiraling.

I recently posted the following on my FB - but privately as I wanted to keep this hidden of course. Not a cry for attention but an outlet nonetheless.  You know, sort of a write it down and then burn it kind of therapy.

...this pretty much sums up most of my days lately. *sighs*

Today as I sit here at work, closing files, and pondering how it's seems to be quite the phenomenon for people to search out sympathy, as if it provides a long lost support system. Facebook seems to encourage it and has become just another depressing media center for me. 

I re-read my Facebook post... this is probably part of a very normal process of mourning, right?  First comes this, followed with that, then anger ensues, then whatever comes after that...

She pops into my head out of nowhere and I'll call out to her in my thought "mom." Sometimes it's sighed in acknowledgement that I know she's close by but it's always followed with a sinking feeling as I realize that I can't just run over to her house after work today to sit and talk to her. Other times it's calling for her, as if I've walked into her house and I'm calling for her to see if she's home... 

Choking up.

"Just one more day with her would be nice."  

I've heard other people say the same thing about their deceased love ones.  Hmmmm, no wonder...

I think about how we rush through our days with thoughts or FB posts exclaiming, "I can't wait for this day to be over!" or "I can't wait for this weekend!"  But we are also actually rushing towards that day when everything changes in some way that we wish it wouldn't like losing a job, an argument with a loved one, a car accident or house fire, an injury or a death...  

If we knew that we were actually rushing towards this sort of circumstance - we wouldn't care so much to hurry for the day's end, would we. 

And if only we could all manage to remind ourselves to think this way all of the time, it would be easier to simply enjoy being in the moment.  Finding the spirit, the good, in each and every transaction of the day; whether you're doing a chore at home, an assignment at work, or picking up groceries at store. 

I think about those last couple of weeks in the hospital when my sisters and I were so anxious and stressed. We were putting off responsibilities like work and errands, and putting off our loved ones, not doing homework with our children or eating supper with our families. Our children missed their mommies. It was such a weight on our shoulders to not be all things at all times to everybody.  If we could only know the deadline so that we could manage it all, organize it all, prepare.  One week? Two? Another month? And, in a way, in some God awful way, we kind of longed for it to be over already and to get back to normal... and then, 

it was...

but it wasn't.

Nothing was normal again. There was just grief.

Please. Do not feel sorry for me.  I do not want to be pitied - or consoled.  I just want...

to be.

The five steps to my tamales

GROCERY LIST:

2 packs of 4lbs of carnitas (so, 8lbs)
chili powder
cumin powder
garlic powder
black pepper
salt
paprika
red pepper
vegetable or corn oil
corn husks (1 package was more than enough)
1 4lb bag of corn MaSeCa masa
2 10oz cans of enchilada sauce (I used Gebhardt enchilada sauce)
water

Step One: PREPARE THE MEAT and HUSKS

Cook the meat.  I cubed my meat first and then used a roaster oven (set on 300 degrees for about 5 hours).

Once the meat is finished cooking, remove from heat to cool for handling.  Now, place your corn husks in hot water to soak and soften (about half the package will be more than enough for this recipe).  The corn husks float so I put them in a pan of hot water (in the sink) and placed a heavy pot (or glass mixing bowl) on top of them to hold them down under the water.

Now prepare the meat.  I began grinding my meat in the new fancy, schmancy electric meat grinder the hubby bought for me, but I like my tamale meat to look "normal" (not so chewed) so I mixed my ground meat with whatever meat pulled apart easily and small enough (the larger chunks were ground). So, my final product was about 90% ground meat and 10% just small pieced pulled pork.

This was my first try at tamales and my goal was to make yummy tamales with as little work as possible (because they are a lot of work).  So, I tried two different meat recipes: one with a variety of seasonings, and the other with just (our favorite canned - see photo) enchilada sauce. So, I divided the meat evenly into two separate containers.


For the first batch I mixed in about 1 1/2 cans of the enchilada sauce so that all the meat is coated but not runny with the sauce.

For the second batch, I added 1/2 corn (or vegetable) oil into the meat. Then I blended the following dry seasonings in a separate bowl and added them to the meat.

3 T. chili powder

3 T. cumin powder

3 T. garlic powder

1 T. black pepper

1 T. salt

1 T. paprika

1 tsp. red pepper

Step Two: PREPARE THE MASA
Now that the meat mixtures are complete, set those aside and begin the masa preparation.

I began with only about 1/2 of the bag of masa (but ended up mixing another batch after this one ran out). So, in a LARGE bowl, pour about 1/2 bag of masa and add in the following seasonings:

1 T. paprika

2 T. cumin powder

2 T. garlic powder

3 T. salt

2 T. chili powder

Stir the dry mix to blend and then add 2 1/2 cups of vegetable or corn oil and blend.  Now add water and blend until the consistency is liked to that of peanut butter (I estimate that I used about 4-5 cups of water). I've read that a quarter-sized ball of masa should float in cold water when it's the right consistency.

Step Three: TIME TO ASSEMBLE THE TAMALES

Husks have a "ridged" side (the outside) and a "smoother" side (the inside).  Lay the husk so that the masa can be spread to the inside (or the smoothest side) of the husk.  Some peeps use a putty knife, we used our hands to press the masa around on the husk so that it is somewhat squared and a thickness, or thinness, to preference. Place about 2 teaspoons more or less, again to preference, down the middle of the masa.  Then wrap so that the masa envelopes the meat.  Fold up the bottom of the husk and set aside.  Here is a link to Frieda's how to on tamales.









































































My daughter preferred the tamales made with the enchilada sauce as there was no spice at all with those but good flavor.  And the rest of us liked either. I'm wondering if I should try combining the two recipes next time to include the enchilada sauce in the meat and the spices, hmmmm...

Step Four:  STEAM THE TAMALES

A tamale steam pot will have a shelf that sits inside the pot.  Add water into the steam pot but only to just below the shelf so that the water does not make contact with the tamales.  Place your tamales standing up inside the pot atop shelf.  If the tamales fill the shelf you can lay more on top of those tamales. If you have too few and they do not fill the shelf, stuff a ball of foil in the middle to help keep them standing.

Bring the water to a boil, then turn down the heat. and replace the lid on the pot.

Steam for about 1-2 hours.  You can test to see if they are done by checking to see if the masa separates from the husks easily.

Step Five:  EAT THE TAMALES
I trust you can take it from here... HAPPY EATING!

Make it an occasion and invite family and friends over to help with the "FUN"!