Eat, Pray, Love

• 

My baby boy, Wolfie, gave me the dvd movie Eat, Pray, Love for Christmas.

I had first watched this movie at the theatre and had no one to go with so my daughter, Drew, not wanting to see me go alone, decided she would go along with me.  It really wasn't her sort of show, but she's just a sweetheart like that (and there wasn't a lot of cursing or any nudity).

I returned home ranting and raving over it.  I loved the movie on so many levels (such as her struggle to embrace her independence and connect with her spirituality).

I suppose my enthusiasm made an impression on Wolfie and his gift could not have been any better.

a quote from the movie:

"....hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it?  The only thing more impossible than staying, was leaving."

Don't Judge

One of my old school friends is now a pastor of a local church he founded (which I do not attend) recently posted this on his Facebook wall: The problem in the church is not that everyone has a "personal preference" but when people confuse their personal preferable with "Biblical Truth".

My initial (un-posted) response was "my belief is that God’s truth rings true in your heart - hence a personal preference.  I believe that there are many truth’s and that it’s not just one particular religious interpretation to be found in Heaven.  And I believe, simply, that God is all things good; (He) is love, (He) is tolerance, (He) is patience, (He) is kindness, etc. - and that a good (or Light-possessing) spirit will have no worries of not reaching Heaven."

In the words of Jack Handey, "I think instead of answers, we should have impressions. If I have a different impression than you on a math test, so what? Can't we all be brothers?"

*

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

As I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp-

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,

So somber - give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

*

JUDGE NOT!!


Remember...
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.


Every saint has a PAST... Every sinner has a FUTURE!

I've got such a headache...

so much stress and prayer and tears
in such a short period of time...
our nephew is coming home soon
from Afghanistan...
bruised but not broken
(thanking God)


and I'm thinking about all of the close calls
our son (Roy Jr) had over there
in Afghanistan...
and how he is home safe now
(thanking God)


and our family has another son
over there still
and we just want him home safe already too


and I'm thinking about how our family
has been spared
from the trauma of a worse case scenerio...
so, I can only imagine
how those mothers and wives
and families feel
who have gone through so much
more hardship than me
and it makes me think
how blessed our family is
that we haven't walked in those shoes


it makes me think,
"don't ever feel I have things so bad,
because they could be so much worse"
and I think, "how sad, that such a stress
has to happen for me to be reminded of that"


and I pray that I never become a parent
who out-lives any of our families children
and my heart and prayers
go out to those parents & families
who have experienced that heartache
and...
I'd rather have this headache
than that heartache anyday

ME

If I were to tell you the stories of my life I would not come out smelling like roses, and you might say to me that I have failed - but in the very least, I will have owned my transgressions with frank honesty and brutal accuracy and I will know that, despite your judgments of me, I am a person of integrity.

Some of my life lessons

A friend sent this to me via email today, and I was only halfway through it when I knew I wanted to share it here. I've heard it before or at least other versions of it, and I always enjoy them. I always have to change these things up so they conform to me too (it's how I do).  So, anyhow, here it is (personalized).

I've learned....

that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....

that when you're in love, it shows - and when you're not, that shows too.

I've learned....

that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....

that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....

that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....

that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....

that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help in some other way.

I've learned....

that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to be silly with.

I've learned....

that sometimes all a person needs is an open ear and a closed mouth.

I've learned....

that some of the simplest conversations with my father or mother still had a big influence on me.

I've learned....

that you can over-think some things.

I've learned....

that sometimes that thing you truly should do, isn't going to be your easiest of options.

I've learned....

that when the argument gets too heated, it's good to take a break and resume the "discussion" again later.

I've learned....

that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....

that life isn't just about being happy or content all the time, it's just as much about the conflicts and crisis and what we learn from those moments and how we use those lessons in our maturity.

I've learned....

that the people calling others "haters" are actually the only ones focusing on the hate.

I've learned....

that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....

that tone, rather than words, can change the direction of the conversation.

I've learned....

that miracles happen all the time, but some people choose to rationalize them away.

I've learned....

that sometimes we say so much more when we say nothing at all.

I've learned....

that under that hard shell is someone who wants to be accepted, appreciated, and loved.

I've learned....

that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....

that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only giving that person the power to continue to hurt you.

I've learned....

that there's nothing sweeter than waking up next to your babies and listening to them breathe.

I've learned....

that life is tough, and crying about it doesn't fix it.

I've learned....

that opportunities are never lost - someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....

that when I harbor bitterness, it's only hurting myself.

I've learned....

that those people who have passed harsh judgments on me, don't really know me at all nor do they know anything of the situation, and so, aren't worth my worry.

I've learned....

that when you make assumptions, you really make an ass out of only you.

I've learned....

that you should keep your words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them, and eating crow is horrible!

I've learned....

that no matter how hard I tried to blame someone else, I still held some of the blame for the drama that surrounded me - and until I accepted that responsibility and changed my actions, it was not going to go away.

I've learned....

that taking the high road, is not about repairing a relationship, but it's the first step in healing myself.

I've learned....

that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....

that no matter the situation, we always have more than one option.

I've learned....

that everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

I've learned....

that you should always represent yourself with frank honesty and brutal accuracy because your truth will come out, and when it does, it's better to be revealed a person of integrity than the alternative.

I've learned....

that I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned....

that while the 'ups' were loads of fun, it was the 'downs' that truly transformed and shaped me - and I still kinda like me.

kiss kiss

My hunny posted this song for me - it hit the spot because he's never given me a song before. LOL, I feel so sixteen again. Silly, isn't it.

"Once you figure out who you are

what you love about yourself, I think it all kinda falls into place."
(Jennifer Aniston)

trick - er - treat

Halloween was quick! Ran out of work a little late (it seems it happens that way every year).  Wolfie has decided he's too big to dress-up.  Myself, I think you're never too old to dress-up. *sigh* Boys will be boys. So, we got him this shirt to celebrate Halloween (he'd been wanting it since he'd spotted it on one of the tv shows they watch).  Drew dressed up as Lagoona Blue from Monster High.  She's always got to be cute - nothing scary for her.

Dia de los Muertos

This theme, this time of year, this is our favorite season!  Roy and I have even talked about decorating the house with this theme.  It's definitely one we both have a sincere appreciation for.  The colors, the skeletons, the make-up, creativity, and music - off of it is exciting!  We visited our local museum which had exhibits and other celebratory events going on in honor of Dia de los Muertos.  I took pictures (below) and my creative juices were flowing again.  It sort of bums me because I've always felt I was supposed to be an artist in my life, but life happened, and I simply had other priorities that distracted me from doing more with my talents. 

fun with phone apps

Today,

I bent the truth to be kind,
and I have no regret,
for I am far surer of what is kind
than I am of what is true.

(Robert Brault)

so much for R&R

Monday, October 3rd, Roy and I were laying down and we hear this voice say, "Hola!" look up and COREY is standing in the middle of the room! That boy was supposed to be in Afghanistan! We were both so dumbfounded and for a split second I wondered if he were actually a hologram, haha. It took us a few awkward seconds to realize that it was, actually, Corey standing there in our room.


Naturally, it was a pleasant surprise. We are always happier when the boys are safe in the good ol’ U.S. of A.  Sadly, he wasn't back for even 12 hours and he was already texting me about how he had caught his wife cheating and he wants a divorce and all that.

Now, I like to be someone the kids can count on coming to me when they need help, but I'm a mom first, and so I've got lessons to teach (even though the three oldest are pretty much on their own now) I'll never pass on an opportunity to "help" them learn something. That's not because I get pleasure out of it. I don't like seeing my kids surrounded by negative drama, but my momma taught me some things the hard way and I got a lot more out of learning things that way. I'm stronger, and more independent for it.

"Tough love", well it sucks all around - for everyone! I'm talking it sucks for the kid, it sucks for the parents, it sucks for the brothers and sisters, it sucks for the grandparents, it sucks for cousins, aunts, and uncles sometimes, it can even suck for friends too! Hence the term "tough" love. But we're shooting for the end result, right! At least, as a parent who gives a shit about these kids and wants them to learn from situations - I do!

So here we are, and he had lied to me in order to arrange to meet Miranda in the very beginning, and he lied again to continue the relationship, and he lied yet again when he snuck around to marry her, and so, at this point I'm pretty much thinking, "ya got yourself into this mess, you need to be the one to get yourself out of it." Now, I haven't said that to him and I'm not one to say, "I told ya so." I don't believe saying something like that helps any situation, and this isn't about who is right and who is wrong. He already told me how stupid he feels. And this is good, ya know, cause he’s learning – and he’s doing it good. So, I just responded, "you can't be blamed for shooting for love and doing all you can to make it work." We live, we learn. I’m very proud of him… proud of all of my kiddos.

(Personally, I don't care if she's gained a little weight to look pregnant, and I don't care what her over-the-counter tests show (she's manipulated those before) - my instincts say the girl isn't pregnant. She's lied about pregnancies before to get attention - I think she's doing it again.)

He spent most of his R&R (rest and relaxation) stressed and upset over the situation.

And then Corey left for Afghanistan this morning.

Hopefully the distraction over there will help him clear his mind, put priorities in order, and help him grow up. Still, stay safe Corey. I'm praying for you always. ♥

true colors

My in-laws have hated me since day one.  This really escapes me as I feel I was the one that picked up the pieces after Roy's ex treated him like crap by cheating on him, leaving him in so much debt (which I helped get him out of), and then left all of her kids behind to start a "career" stripping.  Still, it seems, they would have preferred that she and Roy reconcile.  I went over the situation with Roy, stating how I felt that his mother hated me because: (1) I was white, (2) I was not the mother to her favorite grandchildren, and (3) because she, herself, would rather have raised the boys (even though she would have bitched about it).  He agreed, I was probably right on all of my assumptions.... 

I've gotten the impression over the years that it was his mother that helped build negative feelings toward me throughout the rest of the family.  Although, the fact that Roy and I were 'on again-off again' surely did not help matters.

I remember, in the first few months of our relationship, being at his brother, Randy's home with his (then) girlfriend, Jamie (now his wife), and Randy kicks me out of his house because I was not drinking enough to satisfy him.  I was stunned.  He literally said, "if you're too good that you can't drink more (alcohol) - then you can just get out!" ...he's never apologized.  I remember looking at Roy as if to say, "whelp, are we leaving?" and he just stared at me and said, "whaaat?"

How do you forgive someone who never asks for forgiveness?

Through the years, Roy's mother has yelled at me for various things, usually something to do with her favorite grandchildren and it was everything I could do to keep from bitching her out right back.  I can't stand her, but she's still Roy's mother and I wouldn't want to be the one responsible for the ridge between us.  Regardless, we will never like each other now.  And I know, if I did try to talk to her - she wouldn't get it; she is very closed minded and very uneducated.  She has admitted that she is "too old to change".  Her way of thinking and raising children is SO off from my way of thinking and raising children.  She allows the kids to come and go without answering to anyone as to where they are going and with whom. And when we placed Corey in their house because of his mother's threats on our lives, he joined the military and was gone for weeks before they said anything to Roy (but note here that Roy already had the notion that Corey had joined the military because he'd stopped responding to texts).

That's just not me.  I was raised to tell my mom where I was going and with whom and what time I would return.  It was a respect thing - so she wouldn't worry, or would know when to start worrying.  It's a safety thing.  If something had happened to me, at least she would have something to tell the cops, ya know.

What kind of parents finds themselves in the position where you're calling the cops to report a missing child, and when they ask you questions about who they were with and where they were going - ya got nothing...? Seriously! 

Not mwah.

Okay, so whatever. I can't stand my mother-in-law.  Join the crowd right.  I mean, there's a club for that, right! ;)

Then there's the rest of them.  I have to admit.  It kinda hurts.  It kinda sucks. They usually are tolerant and semi-polite when I'm around and I don't believe that they just sit around and bad mouth me. (I really don't think I'm that big a deal to them.) But I do think they harbor some ill feelings about me.  I know that Kasey once told me (when she was upset with me over the whole Corey-drama-thing) that, "Everyone was right about me!"  Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that is a sort of a clue, isn't it...

So,

treat me like shit but you've never taken the time to get to know me;

pass your judgments on me when you know nothing of the situation;

and when I withdraw from you because of your judgments/behavior,

then I am the rude bitch... 

so don't bother to befriend me 

now that I know you,

I was there, 

I saw your true colors, and 

I do not need your kind of friendship

and you will never be a true friend to me.

Sickens me how SOME people can treat cha like shit one day and then, later, act like nothing ever happened...

Convenient.

Have you ever notice how it seems the people that go around calling others "haters" are the ones that are doing all the hating?

put your lights on

Yesterday, Roy goes out for the first time in a long while.  He ran over to the house of a good friend and spent the evening drinking it up.

Rewind. 

Our problems have never really been about just Roy's drinking.  We've had problems for the entire fifteen years we were together.  But, in the beginning, he would disappear without a trace to go drinking and come home very early in the morning.  For this reason and many others, I've had trust problems.  I mean, bars are closed. Where are you until 4, 5 and 6:00 am? What do you do?  (I'm not stupid.)

This past year or so, he has had guys' nights out on most weekends.  For at least 6 months before our last separation, he was going out 2 and 3 times a weekend until 3:30, 4, and 5:00 in the morning - I have a problem with that - I do NOT have a problem with guys' nights out (but seriously, that was too much!).  He's a husband and father and he has responsibilities to this family, just like I do - so that was just inappropriate.  He agrees.  He admits he took advantage of me.  He admits it was too much.  And he agrees he's not going to go out that much again.

So, last night was the first guys' night out since our last break-up and reconciliation.  He agreed to be home no later than 3:30 a.m.  I know, that's STILL really late, but I guess I'm cool with that time.  I mean, sometimes he doesn't even leave the house until 12 a.m.  And he was going to his friend's mancave - which is open all night I guess... 

Our alarm clock was set ahead 30 minutes and I'd forgotten about that, so I was getting pretty nervous.  My mind starts racing and I know how Roy is... OMG! What have I done?? Panic sets in and I start crying.  Finally, I realize the alarm is set ahead.  Damn it! I've still got an hour to stress then... *bites nails*

I wanted to text him SO freakin' bad - but I wanted to trust him too.  Be patient Karen! Be patient!  He's still got time.  Maybe he'll get here... But before he left, he sounded as though he would probably be earlier than 3:30.  The clock is ticking and he is definitely NOT going to be earlier!

At 3:30 a.m. ON THE DOT - that man walks through my bedroom door. 

What?!?

How do I process this?

How am I supposed to process that he got home on time?

Stunned!

and then I break down crying.

Okay, revision.  3:30 a.m. - not because I demand it, but because you love and respect me.... and maybe, a text now and then to let me know you're okay and thinking of me and everything is still on track and you'll see me no later than 3:30... just, a text, so I won't panic...?

He laughs and hugs me.  Talking to me soothingly to calm my nerves (which I am totally not used to either, because he's never done that before either - omg, head is spinning).  "You could have text me."  

"Yes, baby, I'll text you from now on." *chuckles*

peace

Feet don't touch the ground

Where shall I begin? So much has happened since the last post. I suppose, most importantly, my marriage is not just improving, but its healing and, I don't know, it's new. It's not like it's ever been before - ever. It's weird, lol, because since day one we have had a rocky marriage. One that, I've always said, should never have continued. There were so many broken promises and such a lack of communication. I still don't get it really. So, now, its like we're both starting this relationship for the first time...?

I think, at some point, we both found ourselves on the ground floor with nowhere to go. Both beat and exhausted and wounded. I've always tried to talk to him about my feelings because I never wanted him to say, "I can't read your mind." Still, through all of his resentment, he never really heard me. I know, if we went back to the beginning, we could both point out where this started. We both know who's to blame from the beginning. I was hurt and in turn, tried desperately to hurt him as much as I was hurting. I suppose I succeeded.

At some point, it stops being about who started this and it becomes about, simply, both of us hurting each other. I know that there were many opportunities for us to try to rectify things, but I also know from experience that no one is going to make a move until it's "time".

I guess it was time.

I hope so, anyhow. I hope this isn't all in vain and we end up quitting, because this is IT - for both of us. And the family unit, the kids, their lives, its all on the line too - and that's a pretty BIG deal. That's everything to me. It's always been SO important that I not raise anymore kids of divorce. The first three boys, they adapt and learn to deal (just like everyone says), but ya know - it still hurts. They were/are still haunted by the divorces. And that kills me inside.

So, Roy and I, we just started hearing each other and making a true and valid effort. He wanted me to
    1) be more cuddly.  For guys, I know, it's all about the physical show of love and lust. This is the men are from Mars thing. If a women is not showing her love and affection physically, then the guy is going to think she doesn't love him and maybe even assume that she is cheating on him. Ridiculous to many women, but I've known this is how most men feel and I've known this is how Roy feels (so he's typical);
    2) leave the past behind us.  Oh, that was a hard one for me because: "history repeats itself", and you have to learn from the past otherwise you're just setting yourself up over and over and over. There was SO much from the past haunting us and I could not let it go because it DID keep repeating itself. We were having the same conversations and arguments we'd had for the entire 15 years of marriage. And they were pretty big deals to me too. So, I've always demanded that he prove he's not going to do the same things over and over again before I drop my guard; and
    3) watch my tone.  And I have a sort of sarcastic humor that he doesn't 'get' (nor his family *rolls eyes*) and pretty much, it offends him.  So this was another hard one for me, I like being sarcastically funny (well, my sisters laugh - they get it) - and it's who I am. I don't want to sacrifice being me - but, I DO want to save this marriage, so I watch my tone. Anyhow, he's opening up to me more and consequently, realizing my humor and laughing at all the right times too now, so... it's good).

And me, I needed him to
    1) talk. Just say something. Argue. Scream. Anything. I needed to know what he was thinking, where he stood on stuff. He always left me guessing and I had to use clues from his actions to get answers, which I realized may not have been accurate, but it was all I had. I didn't care if we agreed on stuff or not, I just had to know who he was.
    2) defend me. So many occasions where he allowed friends and family to treat me with disrespect and then after they were gone, he would adamently apologize. (Well, that just isn't going to fly. I mean, I'm your WIFE! Really? You're going to let your brother kick me out of his house for not drinking enough? and then you're going to just stay there with him - and let me leave? by myself? really? You're going to let your mother come in our home on our very first Christmas in our home and get in my face, pointing her finger in my face, and yelling at ME for playing favorites?? Really? When you KNOW, I mean you were there and you knooow, I have a problem with people who play favorites (i.e., YOUR MOTHER for one who is the master at playing favorites over her grandchildren and has even admitted to it! and Raquel for two!! and my even mother as well playing favorites! And you know I don't like that behavior!). And uh, you were there! You KNOW Aaron had it way harder than your boys EVER did. So, really??) So, you're going to have to get in there and defend me because I'm your wife, the mother of your children, your sex partner, and all like that. Sorry about the rant, but this is a deal-breaker.
    3) don't break an agreement. Don't agree to it if you can't keep the agreement, and if we do come to an understanding, then hold up to your end of the agreement. This is where trust is made - and broken. If you can't honestly say that you will hold up to your end of the agreement, then even if it makes me mad or upset, then *deeeep voice now* "DO NOT AGREE TO IT". Seriously, it's better for me to know what I can and can't count on, than to count on you for something and then you break your promise.

So, we've both been working on this stuff with great strides (so it's been really good and fun too *wink wink*).

We've had some arguments (naturally), but we're sticking things out and making good strides in our relationship. The communication is better, the sex is outstanding, my worry is if he'll really be able to step-up and say something in my defense when the time comes. We've talked about it a little. I don't expect him to be rude, but I do think there will come a time when he should say, "hey! Don't talk to my wife like that!" or whatever. We'll see...

"As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more." (Jules Renard)

it's easy really

He snarls,
"The reason I didn't do
what you had told me you needed,
is because, if I had,
you woulda just said,
'the only reason you did it
was because I told ya to'."

His fingers are always pointed at me.

And,
I look in the mirror and
I understand.

It's easy to be disgusted by me.
It's easy to snarl at me.
It's easy to hate me.

I am nothing

So, yesterday started wonderful and ended with a miserable explosion of emotions.  Just before leaving work I watched a video wherein a woman asked several men, "Why do men cheat?"  I suppose it just got me thinking about my situation and if we were really moving forward.

So here's my deal:  I want him to love me.  Not just say it - do it.  And when people are talking shit to me (like his brother kicking me out of the house for not drinking enough, or his mother disrespecting me in my own home, or Dottie calling me the whore when she is the one pursuing a married man...), I expect him to jump in and say something like, "Don't be disrespecting my wife!"  I need him to have that automatic desire to protect and defend me.  I need him to be in my corner.  After all, I raised his two sons from another marriage for the last 15 years.  I've sacrificed a lot and put up with a bunch of crap for 15 years and he never defended me.  I put up with a lot of crap from him from the start of this relationship. Still, I get no loyalty.  

So last night I'm walking around and I'm not all goo goo on him like I have been; a little on the solemn side instead.  And he's asks, "What's up? Is something wrong?"  (I'm sure he regretted the words as soon as they left his lips.)  So I tell him that I need to know.  I need to know that he, without thinking it out or a lot of processing, is going to have a quick response in my defense, because he blew it with the whole Dottie thing already.  Is he going to keep blowing it.  Fifteen years and I never got any defense from him.  He always jumped on the other persons bandwagon and then as soon as they were gone he was apologizing to me.  Does he love me in that way? 

He says nothing.

So I'm like, "I need something - like now.  I need to hear you say, 'yeah, of course, I'm in your corner and I'll defend you.  Don't worry, I love you - we are working on things and its going to be great.'  Look, this is my line on the ground because it's a big deal.  You gotta understand, I can't be married to a man that is always going to jump on someone else's bandwagon rather than be on my side, and defend me.  If you can't take care of me, it's a deal-breaker."

Still, he says nothing.

So I'm like, "So I pretty much have your answer then? ...since you can't say anything.  You just stand there, quiet.  And you can't tell me now, without a doubt, that you are going to defend and take care of me."  So I told him he could just go home to his mom's tomorrow after work and I would get his stuff to him.

He walks out of the kitchen, he scowls at me and points his finger at me snarling, "It's always so easy for you. This is the problem!"

"Did you hear me?"

I follow him into the bedroom, and try to clarify, "this isn't easy for me, but you gotta understand this is a deal-breaker - I can't be married to a man that isn't going to defend me.  You understand that, don't you?  For me, I am the one here being rejected - not you.  You don't like the consequences of going to live with your mom so you're going to get ugly with me.  But I wish you could have just taken me in your arms in there and reassured me that everything was going to be okay - but you didn't.  You responded with hate.  I'm the one getting rejected here.  And I feel like shit.  I don't want you to leave, but I can't be married to someone who isn't going to be in my corner.  You would want me in your corner..."

This went on with him pointing fingers at me and blaming me.  I finally left the room.  Eventually he tried to talk it out some more, but in front of the kids and I told him we needed to take it privately.  We did.

He tried to explain that the whole time, in the kitchen, that I was talking, all he was thinking was, 'If I open my mouth, I'll end up getting kicked out again.'  (It's all about him.)  We talked for a while.  And he's staying home - but I don't know for how long because I really got no resolution.  I laid in bed thinking, his only concern is that he doesn't get kicked out.  He likes it here, in a comfy bed with air conditioning.  It has nothing to do with me, or our family.  His initial reaction is always the asshole reaction.  Do I really want a lifetime of that?

I wish I could have recorded everything last night.  Well, all of our arguments and conversations.  Proof.

It really doesn't matter what I say, or what tone of voice I'm using - if my lips move, he's blocking me out.  It seems it's obviously already over.... why is it so hard for me to accept?

"You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep."

(Navajo Saying)

a date and a smoke

Roy and I went to eat at our favorite buffet, and then sat in the jeep parked outside the house and smoked almost an entire pack of these cigarettes. At the moment, they certainly hit the spot. We just sat there and talked and talked, and listened to music... it was nice.

When we finished our smokes, he was thirsty, so we left for HEB to get drinks.  I was not feeling too good as we went inside.  (I don't smoke much.)  Woozy as we walked around I held onto his arm for support.  I'm sure he thought I was just being silly.

We headed home and had only gone a short distance when it was obvious I was not going to "hold down" my dinner.  I've never seen him drive so fast before.  Raced into an empty parking lot and, just in time..... (nuf said).

Still, a good time.  (definitely memorable)

This song popped on the radio and, we're not big Gaga fans, but we enjoyed this one...

Tentatively improved....

So we've been doing really better with the whole communication thing.  And he understands, at least he should understand, that it is a requirement, for me, that he always be in my corner and ready and willing to defend and protect me if and when I am attacked by anyone, including but not limited to Dottie, his brother, his mother, etc.

But then, last weekend, Dottie sends a text to my phone and it goes like this:

10/8 @ 12:31a

Dottie:  "N"

10/8 @ 1:03a

Me: "What the fuck is that??!! Secret code? Bitch we’re working on our marriage and you need to stay the fuck away from my husband!"

10/8/ @ 1:20a

Dottie: "I guess u forgot ur younger days didn’t u? How easily we forget wat we do huh? Wow…do u remember urself in high school…do u? I do… easy lai! :O"

10/8 @ 1:22a

Me: "Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?"

10/8 @ 1:26a

Dottie: "Nvm…blonde moment??"

10/8 @ 1:27a

Me: "Whatever – stay away from my man, bitch!"

10/8 @ 1:28a

Dottie: "Likewise :)"

My take is it's MY marriage, MY husband, MY life! And I have the right to defend!  She sent the first text and she was wrong.

And Roy is like, "I'm not getting involved because you're both wrong!"

WHAT?!?!?! That's bullshit! He made this mess and then he's not going to stick up for me when I am defending my marriage! My family!

Typed this note on my phone last night:

"You've got to seize the moment because I still have my requirements and if you, honestly, can not bring yourself to defend me and be in my corner, then even tho you may not like the consequences, it just is what it is.  And I am virtually ready to leave the past behind and give you the love, trust, and respect a relationship should have (note, I did not say "which you have earned or deserve"), but by "virtually", I mean, only if you are not going to repeat past mistakes, but seize the moment to make conscience effort to treat me as I should.  No excuses.  It starts now.  Am I in-love, again, with just an idea I've created in my mind of how good it can be, or can this be real?  I am not going to wait another 15 years to come to terms that things have not changed, I am not even going to wait 15 days.  You blew the opportunity to prove yourself during the Dottie issue.  Is this what I can expect?  If your answer is still 'I don't know' after we have been doing so good the past few weeks, after I have been doing everything I'm supposed to, and have proven so much to you - we are either ready together, right now, or we are not.  I can not continue to invest in something more than you are willing to invest in it. This is serious Roy.  This is our relationship, our marriage, our family, our future, on the line. If this family is not going to get 100% of your effort right now, today, then it is time to come to terms with that.  You can continue to be stubborn about investing entirely in this family but its at the expense of your family - and frankly, if that's how it is for you today, then you are a disappointment and not worth my time... our time.  And that's too bad, but it is what it is.  It's always everything in your time but this involves my kids, and it involves me, and they are worth the effort and commitment, and so am I.  And if you can't do that without a doubt today, then its your lose because, today you commit now or never.  It's my line in the sand Roy, and one I can't waiver on because I deserve to be with a man who will care for me in that way.  You would want me in your corner...."

Sounds pretty cocky I think.  Am I willing to back up the words with action and then stick to it?? It's always me that breaks down crying and begging him to come back, to make things better.  I really feel like a sorry excuse for a role-model right now.  What a pathetic weakling.  Ugh!  I may not be curling up in a ball on the floor crying like a victim, literally, but it sure feels like it.

So the plan is to talk to him about this again this weekend.  I need commitment.  Hard, real, no excuses, commitment.

take a bow

already gone

"Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry...."

"Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...."

life upsidedown

With mother on the mend, my focus has shifted completely on my marriage.  I suppose, no matter the efforts, we simply are not going to learn some things until it is, simply, the time.  I have learned some things already from this separation about myself.  With all my "big talk" about wanting this marriage to be over, I am, once again, thrust into a situation in which I could seize the moment and, finally, be rid of it. Instead, I am (again) in panic. What's up with that?  Initially, I thought my panic was only my reaction to the idea of bringing up more children of divorce (which is heartbreaking to me).  Now, I don't think I know anything.  It's so frustrating.

The first week or so of this separation, went by fairly easily.  I was focused on mom, the kids, and myself; certain that eventually, he would be returning home hopefully a little more humble.  

However, then I saw the phone records.  

He'd been making calls and an extreme number of text messages (100 in a 3 day span) to an unknown number.  

I called the number.  

A woman's voice message stating, "This is Dottie, leave a message."  

Sickness.  

Just total and nauseating sickness.

I called Roy at work to ask him about her and, initially, he tried to plead ignorance.  

Confirmation then 

of some sort of secret relationship he wanted me to know nothing about.  

The communications between them had occurred even before this separation, but it appeared to escalate after he moved out.  My reaction was to send a text to her in retaliation and turn off his cellphone. Oh! and I acted quickly, obtaining a new cellphone card so that I could start receiving his messages. 

I printed the phone records so that he could see them in black and white for himself, but he refused to look at them.  He only apologized and appeared to have given up on our relationship.  He was resolved to let it go now.  I couldn't blame him.  Our separation was not just about Dottie, nor his recent binge drinking, but a result of 15 years of pain and retaliation.  Neither of us were happy, not really.

The next night I talked to him again.  Begging him to meet me down the road from his parents to talk.  How pathetic am I?  He seemed to hear me.  Finally.  After years of tuning  out everything I've ever said; tonite, he was semi-open to hearing me. Still, it seemed we were over.  I couldn't concentrate.  I was sick to my stomach. Began popping Xanax. I couldn't go on like this in front of the children.  I couldn't eat and I couldn't work.

I should clarify.  After all of our discussions, I honestly believe that there was no sexual relationship between Roy and Dottie.  But I do believe, and he has admitted and apologized for an inappropriate relationship between he and Blah (who, by the way, is supposed to be "happily married").  Still, it is not easy for me to get over this...

We've continued to talk, little by little each day. Spending weekends together with the kids. I could see some effort from him in that he stuck around for our conversations, and even engaged himself some in the conversation. It was so unlike him. Usually, he would walk away without a word. I was left with nothing.  No information, no understanding, no argument, no consolation, no compromise, no agreement, no reconciliation.  Nothing. 

And I was kissing ass like I have never kissed ass before.  Everything he wanted - anything!  So, again, I find myself feeling as if I am giving more than I am getting.

He was very sick last Saturday, and stayed the night. I played nurse-maid. He stayed the night again, and then again. Then, last night, his son (Corey) surprised us with a visit home from Afghanistan.  We had no idea he was coming, and his timing was couldn't have been worse (for us). So, Roy somehow landed at home again.  Otherwise, I'm not so sure he would have stayed because I had spent the day with things on my mind to talk about, but afraid to talk for fear of making him mad.  

As Roy lay beside me, he thanked me for letting him come home.  What?  This was not exactly how I expected this to go down. This was not really great timing.  Confused and scared, I tried to talk to him about the concerns I'd had earlier in the day; he voiced his. 

He was worried more about whether or not I would ever trust him. I confirmed that it was a relevant concern, and that step one would be for me to witness his instant response to protect and defend me to anyone (friends, family, etc.).  Something he has never done in our 15 years of marriage.  Further, I would have to know that when we come to an agreement about something, anything, that he would respect our agreement.  I had to trust that he would follow through in the way that I needed. At this point, he could not make any promises.  He did not know if he would be able to defend me in any situation, and he could not promise to keep our agreements.

I then expressed my fear that he was simply enjoying me kissing his ass, but once a stressful situation comes up, would he still be by my side, or would he abandon "us".  I didn't want to lose myself in my desperation to safe "us". And I wanted him to know me too, and love me for who I am, as opposed to him simply enjoying my kissing his ass.  He had no response.

So, here we are. Corey is home, and we are, once again, faking it for the kids.  So not good.

What am I doing?

Ugh!

Should I just chill the fuck out and let this man go his own way?

*

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings (one of his party places) and we watched the Dallas Cowboys game together last weekend.  I had a wonderful time with him.  We've had a wonderful time together the past week or so.  I'm just so worried that we're being fake.  I'm just so worried that we are still just putting off the inevitable (divorce).  I suppose, we're both really worried.  I know that, as of today, he does want it to work, and he is having a good time with me.  I just wonder if he is willing to do his part as well....