put your lights on

Yesterday, Roy goes out for the first time in a long while.  He ran over to the house of a good friend and spent the evening drinking it up.

Rewind. 

Our problems have never really been about just Roy's drinking.  We've had problems for the entire fifteen years we were together.  But, in the beginning, he would disappear without a trace to go drinking and come home very early in the morning.  For this reason and many others, I've had trust problems.  I mean, bars are closed. Where are you until 4, 5 and 6:00 am? What do you do?  (I'm not stupid.)

This past year or so, he has had guys' nights out on most weekends.  For at least 6 months before our last separation, he was going out 2 and 3 times a weekend until 3:30, 4, and 5:00 in the morning - I have a problem with that - I do NOT have a problem with guys' nights out (but seriously, that was too much!).  He's a husband and father and he has responsibilities to this family, just like I do - so that was just inappropriate.  He agrees.  He admits he took advantage of me.  He admits it was too much.  And he agrees he's not going to go out that much again.

So, last night was the first guys' night out since our last break-up and reconciliation.  He agreed to be home no later than 3:30 a.m.  I know, that's STILL really late, but I guess I'm cool with that time.  I mean, sometimes he doesn't even leave the house until 12 a.m.  And he was going to his friend's mancave - which is open all night I guess... 

Our alarm clock was set ahead 30 minutes and I'd forgotten about that, so I was getting pretty nervous.  My mind starts racing and I know how Roy is... OMG! What have I done?? Panic sets in and I start crying.  Finally, I realize the alarm is set ahead.  Damn it! I've still got an hour to stress then... *bites nails*

I wanted to text him SO freakin' bad - but I wanted to trust him too.  Be patient Karen! Be patient!  He's still got time.  Maybe he'll get here... But before he left, he sounded as though he would probably be earlier than 3:30.  The clock is ticking and he is definitely NOT going to be earlier!

At 3:30 a.m. ON THE DOT - that man walks through my bedroom door. 

What?!?

How do I process this?

How am I supposed to process that he got home on time?

Stunned!

and then I break down crying.

Okay, revision.  3:30 a.m. - not because I demand it, but because you love and respect me.... and maybe, a text now and then to let me know you're okay and thinking of me and everything is still on track and you'll see me no later than 3:30... just, a text, so I won't panic...?

He laughs and hugs me.  Talking to me soothingly to calm my nerves (which I am totally not used to either, because he's never done that before either - omg, head is spinning).  "You could have text me."  

"Yes, baby, I'll text you from now on." *chuckles*

peace