Happy 16th Wolfie!

On the way home from the Hayhouse seminar, Roy and I were talking about Wolfie's 16th birthday. Wolf is such a good kid and he really took care of everything on the homefront while we were gone. I'm well aware that he wants the new Playstation and it's so expensive that he's not expecting it.  I came into a little extra money, compliments of my mom (maybe it was her way of saying, "get the boy a Playstation!"). So, Roy and I decide to surprise Wolfie with this PS4 thingy. Additionally, I'm spicing things up a little by organizing a scavenger hunt for his gift! He'll probably think he's too old for this game and I'm expecting him to resist, but I'm doing it! 

On the day, the kids wake and we dive right into the hunt! It begins with him opening his card and reading the first clue which I had to explain was a game. Drew, just as surprised, began bouncing off the walls with excitement as she helped him with the clues leading them from room to room. 

CARD	WHERE TO PUT THIS CARD
1. Don't you worry don't you fear this is not your gift this year. Clues will lead to something good. Now go look for a clue where we store the food. (pantry)	Inside birthday card
2. Sometimes you'll find me hard and cold, other times I'm hard to hold, always present in the air, if I'm ever gone, beware. What am I? (water jug)	Inside pantry
3. Are you hungry yet? Some food I'll nuke but don't eat so much that it makes you puke. (Microwave)	On the water jug
4. What has a ring but no finger? (telephone)	Inside the microwave
5. You're getting hot if you retire beside a nice and cozy fire. (fireplace)	By the telephone
6. I have a face that doesn't frown, I have hands that do not wave, I have no mouth, just a familiar sound, I don't walk but I move around, what am I? (clock)	On the fireplace
7. The more I dry the wetter I become. What am I? (towel)	On the clock
8. Some take me in the morning, others take me in the evening, but one thing you should know - that when I'm 'taken', I don't really go anywhere. (shower)	In the towel pantry
9. I'll store your clothes and so much more but instead you prefer to use the floor. What am I? (closet)	In the shower
10. You've never used me for a good scrub-a-dub-dub but for new babies home you might look in mom's _ _ _ !	In Wolf’s closet
11. If you ever find yourself drifting swim for this island.	In mom’s tub
We love you spy boy. Hip hip hooray! You found all the presents for your birthday!	On the gift Placed on the kitchen island

(Let me explain number 10.  We have a new litter of puppies and we're keeping them in my bathtub because no one ever uses it.)

In the end, Wolfie said that he totally enjoyed hunt! (As did Drew, of course.) And they both want to continue the game as a birthday tradition. They said it made the gift giving not so awkward and boring. Success!

Wolfie sporting the awesome tattoo he found inside his birthday card.

Emotionally exhausted

I'm texting Estella (Candice's mom) regarding Grandma Montez' passing and funeral arrangements, or rather the lack thereof.

I arrive home and Aaron, who is usually sitting outside on the tailgate of his truck listening to music, is now sitting inside the truck (the motor is off). 

Something's weird. 

Why is he inside the truck with the motor off? 

As I approach, he rolls down the window and I notice that there is no music playing either. 

I ask him what he's doing and he stares at me pleadingly. His eyes are so thick with tears that never reach his cheeks because he's struggling so hard to hold them back. His chin is quivering as he chokes out, "I just miss her."

And, I die.

This moment is now embedded in my mind forever! 

I wish I had words that would heal his soul but everything that comes out just seems to exhaust him more. 

This man should be crying over the death of his Mema, not the loss of a girlfriend. 

He should have been able to be comfortable and secure in his relationship - for better or worse - knowing that he could take the time he needed to mourn Mema without worrying that his long-time girlfriend would leave him to date her boss! What the fuck is she thinking?! 

I'm sick 

as I hang my head 
and leave him 
in the truck 
to cry.

Agony.

Grandma Montez has passed

"Grandma Montez" is Aaron's grandmother on his biological dad's side. His biological dad, Mark, passed many years ago from a brain aneurism. Prior to Mark's death Aaron had only met his "dad" and I attempted to encourage a relationship between them but things got complicated and we all drifted apart. Now that Aaron is older, he does his best to keep some communication with that side of the family, especially his step-brother, Matthew. 

I don't know any details about her passing.

Aaron is making a trip to be with that side of his family.

Emotional breakdown

STEP ONE: I'm angry. For SIX YEARS they've dated and for at least the last three, she's been begging for him to marry her. He was in school and after he'd started a new job. He wanted to build his savings before starting a family. He didn't want to be on welfare or asking the parents for help. He had a plan. But everyone - including Candice - knew those plans were all about Candice! He's mourning Mema's passing and she decides to call it off. Call off the engagement and date her BOSS!? WTF! Of course I'm angry! Who does that? And she is not that type of girl but here she is acting like she is! How do I defend that? How do I explain that? How does this sweet woman of God treat Aaron, who she loves, who loves her, who's in the middle of mourning his Mema's death, so horribly?? Kick him while he's down? How on earth does she rationalize that that behavior is okay? 

STEP TWO: I'm frustrated. I want to go find her. I want to put that girl in my car and drive off someplace alone and force her to explain what the hell she's thinking. I want to make her talk until we figure it all out! But this isn't about me. And I have to stay out of it. I have to behave the way Aaron would want me to behave. I have to take the high road and keep my mouth shut when really I just want to tell her things that will make her hurt the way that she has made me and Aaron hurt. The high road sucks sometimes.

STEP THREE: I'm confused. She's not like this. She's not! Something is going on with her. It must be. Because this is not who she is. She loves Aaron. I know that she does. She wanted to marry him. She seemed so happy when we went shopping for the dress and the venue. I knew she was emotionally up and down but she seemed to be handling it okay. I can't stop shaking my head because things just don't make sense. Everyone wants answers and I don't know what to say. And I've pushed her away now, so she's not talking to me at all. 

STEP FOUR: I'm grief-stricken.  Because the word "sad" just doesn't cover how completely devastated we are! I sit in the shower and bawl like a baby. I hate that she's gone. I hate that she's rejected us. I hate seeing my son so heartbroken. I hate seeing the tears well-up in his eyes. I want to hold him. I want to cry with him. He's so completely sad. He doesn't eat. He doesn't sleep. He's having chest pains. He went to the doctor and they ran tests, then put him on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medicine. I didn't know they'd put you on both! Googled it and now I realize that they are two very different things with different symptoms and different meds to treat each. 

STEP FIVE: I'm understanding. I have a daughter too! I love Candice like a daughter! I can't blame her for realizing that she's not ready to marry. I mean, I can but I can't. It's circumstances, ya know. It's good that she's able to recognize that she's not ready to marry. I just wish she'd handled things differently. I just wish she hadn't run into a relationship with her boss right after breaking up with Aaron. I wish she'd taken this time to be alone with herself. I wish she hadn't rejected her parents. Eventually, she admitted to Aaron that there was flirting between her and her boss. I knew she'd had a crush on her boss a long time ago. I also know that there were text messages between them that she didn't want Aaron to see. Hey, if she doesn't love Aaron then the LAST thing I want is for her to marry him. She can go. But don't continue to hurt him over and over again. 

STEP SIX: I'm rejected. I know this isn't about me but it's hard to not feel completely rejected too. She posts things like, "I left when I realized that I deserved better" and "I am headed for such a better future now because I didn't settle." Stabs. All stabs in the heart and in the gut. We're not good enough for her? Aaron's not good enough for her? Was it something I said? Was it that our home is in such disarray? I know Aaron wasn't perfect. We all have things we need to work on (so did she)! We will all have things to work on and improve until the day we die! But he did not deserve this! Not in the middle of mourning Mema's passing. He had a right to get comfortable and secure in the relationship. That's what we are supposed to work for. We shouldn't have to spend the rest of our lives trying so hard to impress our spouse. She was supposed to be supportive of him during his time of need. She was supposed to be loyal. Post after post she stabs us in the heart over and over again. Why couldn't she just leave and then block us both from seeing the hurtful posts. If she had ever loved him/us, she would not continue to hurt him/us.

STEP SEVEN: I'm faithful. God has a plan. Breathe. This is probably necessary. For both of them! Things have a way of working out. Breathe. Time heals. He'll eventually get stronger and he'll be happy again one day - with or without her. Then I'll be happy again. Breathe.

STEP EIGHT: Now, go back to the top and repeat the emotions again.

Returning the ring

Aaron called me in to his room. 

I walk in and he's sitting on his bed, tear filled eyes.

His chin quivers as he informs me that he's returned the ring and that they were nice enough to issue a refund. He'd like me to help keep an eye out for the check. 

He looks down and the tears fall as he whispers past the knot in his throat, "you were right."  He explains that she confessed to a flirtation going on between her and her boss. 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be right - I just want you to trust your instincts." (He'd had a suspicion because there were signs.)

Aaron and Candice had just spent the night together recently at a hotel in one of his efforts to talk things out and reconcile. "But," he cried, "she's changed. She's not the Candice she used to be and I just miss the old Candice."

I think returning the ring, for him, was one way of resolving himself that the relationship was truly over.

I say a quick prayer in my head for the right words and explain, "ya know, there are things in relationships that we say, 'this is the line that you just don't cross because this will end the relationship. I can't forgive it.' and then the next thing you know that very thing has happens and we're tested. But I've also learned that it's amazing the things that we can forgive. We'll just take this one day at a time."

My poor, poor baby. I'm sure it sounds as though I've just encouraged him to be in a relationship where he was completely disrespected. That was not my intent. But I think about how some people can forgive so much and go on to have a super healthy and loving relationship; while other relationships end. 

He'll figure this all out. That's one thing I have learned about Aaron, and love - he is very, very responsible and smart and rational. He's got a real good head on his shoulders and good taste too! Despite Candice's actions lately, she's a beautiful girl and she's a good girl! She was wonderful for Aaron. They balanced each other. He's a better person today because of her and likewise, Aaron has been really good for her too. So no matter what happens, I know that Aaron will be okay. 

I trust him.