Where shall I begin? So much has happened since the last post. I suppose, most importantly, my marriage is not just improving, but its healing and, I don't know, it's new. It's not like it's ever been before - ever. It's weird, lol, because since day one we have had a rocky marriage. One that, I've always said, should never have continued. There were so many broken promises and such a lack of communication. I still don't get it really. So, now, its like we're both starting this relationship for the first time...?
I think, at some point, we both found ourselves on the ground floor with nowhere to go. Both beat and exhausted and wounded. I've always tried to talk to him about my feelings because I never wanted him to say, "I can't read your mind." Still, through all of his resentment, he never really heard me. I know, if we went back to the beginning, we could both point out where this started. We both know who's to blame from the beginning. I was hurt and in turn, tried desperately to hurt him as much as I was hurting. I suppose I succeeded.
At some point, it stops being about who started this and it becomes about, simply, both of us hurting each other. I know that there were many opportunities for us to try to rectify things, but I also know from experience that no one is going to make a move until it's "time".
I guess it was time.
I hope so, anyhow. I hope this isn't all in vain and we end up quitting, because this is IT - for both of us. And the family unit, the kids, their lives, its all on the line too - and that's a pretty BIG deal. That's everything to me. It's always been SO important that I not raise anymore kids of divorce. The first three boys, they adapt and learn to deal (just like everyone says), but ya know - it still hurts. They were/are still haunted by the divorces. And that kills me inside.
So, Roy and I, we just started hearing each other and making a true and valid effort. He wanted me to
1) be more cuddly. For guys, I know, it's all about the physical show of love and lust. This is the men are from Mars thing. If a women is not showing her love and affection physically, then the guy is going to think she doesn't love him and maybe even assume that she is cheating on him. Ridiculous to many women, but I've known this is how most men feel and I've known this is how Roy feels (so he's typical);
2) leave the past behind us. Oh, that was a hard one for me because: "history repeats itself", and you have to learn from the past otherwise you're just setting yourself up over and over and over. There was SO much from the past haunting us and I could not let it go because it DID keep repeating itself. We were having the same conversations and arguments we'd had for the entire 15 years of marriage. And they were pretty big deals to me too. So, I've always demanded that he prove he's not going to do the same things over and over again before I drop my guard; and
3) watch my tone. And I have a sort of sarcastic humor that he doesn't 'get' (nor his family *rolls eyes*) and pretty much, it offends him. So this was another hard one for me, I like being sarcastically funny (well, my sisters laugh - they get it) - and it's who I am. I don't want to sacrifice being me - but, I DO want to save this marriage, so I watch my tone. Anyhow, he's opening up to me more and consequently, realizing my humor and laughing at all the right times too now, so... it's good).
And me, I needed him to
1) talk. Just say something. Argue. Scream. Anything. I needed to know what he was thinking, where he stood on stuff. He always left me guessing and I had to use clues from his actions to get answers, which I realized may not have been accurate, but it was all I had. I didn't care if we agreed on stuff or not, I just had to know who he was.
2) defend me. So many occasions where he allowed friends and family to treat me with disrespect and then after they were gone, he would adamently apologize. (Well, that just isn't going to fly. I mean, I'm your WIFE! Really? You're going to let your brother kick me out of his house for not drinking enough? and then you're going to just stay there with him - and let me leave? by myself? really? You're going to let your mother come in our home on our very first Christmas in our home and get in my face, pointing her finger in my face, and yelling at ME for playing favorites?? Really? When you KNOW, I mean you were there and you knooow, I have a problem with people who play favorites (i.e., YOUR MOTHER for one who is the master at playing favorites over her grandchildren and has even admitted to it! and Raquel for two!! and my even mother as well playing favorites! And you know I don't like that behavior!). And uh, you were there! You KNOW Aaron had it way harder than your boys EVER did. So, really??) So, you're going to have to get in there and defend me because I'm your wife, the mother of your children, your sex partner, and all like that. Sorry about the rant, but this is a deal-breaker.
3) don't break an agreement. Don't agree to it if you can't keep the agreement, and if we do come to an understanding, then hold up to your end of the agreement. This is where trust is made - and broken. If you can't honestly say that you will hold up to your end of the agreement, then even if it makes me mad or upset, then *deeeep voice now* "DO NOT AGREE TO IT". Seriously, it's better for me to know what I can and can't count on, than to count on you for something and then you break your promise.
So, we've both been working on this stuff with great strides (so it's been really good and fun too *wink wink*).
We've had some arguments (naturally), but we're sticking things out and making good strides in our relationship. The communication is better, the sex is outstanding, my worry is if he'll really be able to step-up and say something in my defense when the time comes. We've talked about it a little. I don't expect him to be rude, but I do think there will come a time when he should say, "hey! Don't talk to my wife like that!" or whatever. We'll see...
"As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more." (Jules Renard)
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