Mom: Cancer Recurrence

So, I was feeling pretty shitty enough last night, so I had to cover the grey. A small effort to feel better, and while my hair is looking nicer, I'm still stressed.

I'm just completely and utterly depressed. I started my sink into this oblivion yesterday as I sat at work thinking of mom and the cancer. She returned home from the hospital yesterday and I called her that evening. She sounds fine under the circumstances. Brenda and Erica are planning to go to M.D. Anderson Hospital to sit while she has her surgery which is scheduled for Tuesday. Of course, they invited me, but we have a big trial at work that week and after talking to mom, I believe this is one I can sit out. It's not the surgery I'm so worried about - it's the cancer recurrence. However, because I have mom's Medical Power of Attorney, I do feel a responsibility to be there - just in case...

I'm going to wait until tonight, when I go to visit mom, to make a final decision about whether or not I'll go.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here at work again - stressing more. I tried to busy myself with things to get caught up, and then researched "cancer recurrence". From what I understand, when cancer comes back, it's because it was never completely removed. Undetectable cancer cells were left behind from surgery, radiation, and/or chemotherapy, and those cells (likely) remained because they are more aggressive, stronger cells. Hince, the stress. Today, I found this article by the American Cancer Society and it confirmed my worry. Mom's a smart woman, I'm well aware that she knows all of this and knows where to place her worry too. This may be why she has been prepping me to take care of the apartments stuff - Fuck! but I'm not ready yet! I'm sitting here worried about all the what-ifs, and I don't know if I am just being my mother's daughter (letting my imagination get away with me). I've seen and heard of situations where an aggressive cancer can be fast-acting - and I'm so not ready yet!

I just can't imagine...

Then, I came upon this chant and some of the stress melted away. I'll play it again...