One day at a time

It's been an exhausting 24 hours. I stressed and cried on an off last night and today. Had a minor break-down when I informed my boss that mom had a cancer recurrence and would be requiring surgery next week. So, besides both my youngest babies being very sick with congestion, and the emotional roller-coaster with mom's cancer, and the complete network "crash" at work (preventing any constructive work from getting done; however, I'm not certain how productive I would have been regardless due to the stress and lack of sleep), today is also our twelve-year wedding anniversary!  

All I want to do is go to bed now.

I arrived at mom's at 4:00p and Aunt Jeanette was there with her. I sat on the bed with my aunt and she reached out to me and reassured me, "we'll just take it one day at a time." She asked how I was, and all I could muster for a response was, "that remains to be seen..." Tears welling in my eyes again - appearing strong at the moment is obviously not an option for me. Mom enters the room and immediately announces that "it is not a death sentence." I break-down. Hugging her, I demand why she could not have given that reassurance earlier by telephone! I had cursed everyone on the road around me on the way here and I was still looking for someone to take out my frustrations on. I jokingly threaten to kick her ass, along with Erica's (since she was the bearer of (somewhat) bad news - kill the messenger, right). My exhaustion kicks in and I sink into a chair in the living room with mom and Aunt Jeanette. Brenda and Erica (who came together) enter the room shortly thereafter, and mom goes into more detail about her "situation" with all of us.

Monday, is a holiday (President's Day) and mom has another appointment at M.D. Anderson Hospital. My sisters, Brenda and Erica, and I will be taking mom to Houston on Sunday and staying with her there until after her surgery (presumably on Tuesday). My Aunt Carolyn will relieve us at some point and stay with mom the remainder of the week until she is able to return home. I got an earful of instructions from mom regarding the apartments, bills, mail, etc. It adds to my stress as I'm worried about forgetting something. However, mom is supposed to be home in a week and while she won't be getting around much, she will be available for further instructions - providing a small semblance of relief.

Mom isn't out of the woods yet. The cancer recurrence is in the same area that received radiation and yet, it survived. This indicates to me that it is a very strong cancer that is, quite possibly, immune to radiation. It is also a very fast growing cancer. Therefore, the plan is to cut it out, and the doctor must cut out not just the tumor, but also a bit of the surrounding tissue to ensure they cut it out completely. The cancer is also in at least one of her lymph nodes - so they will be taking at least four of those. She will not have another radiation treatment, and they will determine later whether or not she will need chemotherapy. The tumor is currently pushing against her sphincter muscles causing a lack of use lately. This is expected to be resolved after surgery as the cancer is (supposedly) not so invasive that they will have to maul her bladder or these muscles. However, the tumor is sitting so close to the rectum that it is expected the doctors will require taking a bit of it in order to ensure they get the complete tumor. This means that she will have to wear an ostomy bag (and for mom, this is the worse-case scenario and what was causing her depression and her emotional withdraw shortly after surgery). I, however, was spending my time worrying about my worse-case scenario - Stage IV - so the bag is a welcome relief - for me. Considering the strength of this cancer, I will continue to worry about recurrence, but should they get it all with surgery - she should be fine. Time will tell.