False alarm

I had stayed with mom overnight and Aunt Jeanette came in at about 8:00 a.m. to relieve me.  I plan to try to go in to work today for a while.  Once home, I begin getting dressed and Erica calls to find out how the night went.  As I have her on one line, Aunt Jeanette calls me on the other line.  She states, "I think you need to come back up here. Mary thinks she's going to be passing soon." I quickly get off the phone with my aunt and pass the information on to Erica who is waiting on the first line (she will then notify Brenda as well) and I race back to the hospital.  

Erica is so close behind me that we meet in the parking lot and go up to the room together. I explain that Aunt Jeanette only said, "Mom feels like she's passing soon" but we don't know anything for certain.

At her bedside Erica and I hold tightly to each hand.  Mom is groggy and coming out from a long drug induced sleep.  We assure her that we are both her with her. Her words are slurred, "Where's Brenda?" Erica responds, "She’s on the way."

Mom replies, "She’s always late for everything."  The room breaks out in laughter because she's so right but humorous at such a dire time too.

Erica continues to talk to her.  I like hearing Erica talk to her.  Her words are good and her voice is calming, she repeatedly tells mom that she loves her and that "she was a good mom."

"I love you too." Mom replies, then turns to stare at the ceiling, "and I love Aaron too, he was a good son", then turns to face me, "and I love you too, you were a good mom okay, you were a good mom."  I nod tearfully mouthing, "I know. I love you too."

I rise and she stares at me, her eyes are pleading, "I know. I know. I know. I know." I take it as if she knows now that she is passing away soon and all I can do is nod, cry, and repeat, "I know."

"Why? Why like this? Why? Why? Why like this?" she cries.

Brenda comes in and takes her place next to Erica telling mom that she is here now too.

Mom is given some Ativan for her anxiety and she falls back to sleep again under its influence.

We sit.

Later, Brenda is sitting to mom’s left on the chair with her tablet, Erica is sitting on Aunt Jeanette’s walker, Aunt Jeanette is in the corner, and I am sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed.  Mom begins talking to Brenda.  It’s unclear the topic, something about Brenda’s tablet, a recipe, and Kaitlyn.  Erica approaches mom and tries talking to her.  Brenda and Erica seem to be trying to make sense of mom’s words but I don’t think mom knows what she’s trying to say.  It’s all very irrational and I keep quiet as everyone else is rattling on trying to make sense of things. 

“No! Kaitlyn needs to GO!” mom says forcefully.  “I don’t want to be here if she’s mad at me!”  Brenda gets on her phone quickly trying to contact her daughter and asks if she can come up to the hospital.  I’m keeping quiet but waving for someone else, Erica or Aunt Jeanette, to get Brenda off the phone. The last thing that needs to happen is to have Kaitlyn up here and talking to mom when mom is agitated and irrational.  No one seems to be paying attention to my gestures and I’m at a loss at how quickly Brenda is responding to mom’s absurdities.  “No! Get her away! She’s mad at me! I don’t want her to be mad at me! I have to go!” she continues yelling.  She asks for water and when I place the cup in front of her for a sip, she grabs it from me and throws it at me screaming something like, “You put the lid on it!” My arms swing into place to avoid the hit and my hand grabs the cup as she swings.  I catch sight of my sisters’ startled look and I try to calm/reassure them, “It’s okay! This is part of it! It’s part of it. It’s okay.” I glance at Aunt Jeanette who seems to be somewhat startled but hasn’t moved from her seat.  Brenda quickly tells Kaitlyn not to come but puts her on speaker phone to talk to mom.  Not a good idea I’m thinking as we have no idea what to expect from mom at this point.  I don’t want Kaitlyn hurt by something mom says out from this irrational state of mind.  “I love you” Kaitlyn sings from the phone.  To my surprise, mom seems to relax and responds, “I love you too.”